Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Control said:

You're getting a lot of advice that's probably good, but most of it includes REALLY big, dramatic changes to your life. They may be needed, but that doesn't make them easy. Instead, I'll suggest doing something small and simple every day to start building some willpower and to gain some positive momentum. It doesn't even matter what it is, just pick something that's 100% within your control and that makes you a little better, and then do it every day. Wake up a little earlier every day and go for a 20 minute walk. Do it for 1 month, then maybe add some other small thing. It doesn't sound like much, but a tiny improvement that you'll actually make is WAY better than a ton of dramatic changes that you won't. If you've actually hit the point where you're ready for giant changes, then great, carry on, but if the alternative is nothing, try this instead.

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This. It was advice given to me while dealing with divorce. Think of things in your control, and do something to make them better. Use small successes to encourage yourself. Focus on self-improvement to help pull yourself up. It was helpful then, and remains helpful now.

On the alcohol consumption: "Alcoholic" may be debatable, but you definitely have a binge drinking problem. "If I have one I have 12" is pretty much the definition of binge drinking. At the very least, you have to break the "I need to keep going" urge. It takes willpower and discipline, especially if you've made a habit of not paying attention to your intake. And if you can't muster that willpower, quitting may be the way.

As a dude who likes uppity beer, I tend to have plenty around. I found some keys to moderation are:
- Don't keep a bunch of beer in the fridge unless you're having people over. Keep cold what you want to drink in a session.
- Before you get up to get another beer, purposefully recall what you've had so far and make the decision to get another consciously.
- Keep around non-booze things you like to drink. Juice, soda, whatever. That way there are other attractive options when you open the fridge and you don't just grab beer by default.

These may help, these may be worthless. Just thought I'd share.

Drinking to excess is definitely stupid. But it's so fun it's easy to forget how stupid it is.

But then he won't get as drunk and he'll need to drink more.

I was an alcoholic for the last six months of my mother's life and I don't know how people manage long term. I was drinking a bottle of wine per night and felt like total shit every day. Alcohol fucks with your sleep so badly.

Frenzied Wombat said:

I was an alcoholic for the last six months of my mother's life and I don't know how people manage long term. I was drinking a bottle of wine per night and felt like total shit every day. Alcohol fucks with your sleep so badly.

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Yep, it does turn your sleep quality to shit. Which exacerbates the depression and other problems. Bad times.

Soygen said:

I can probably put away 8 or 9 and feel fine the next day if I'm drinking water every other drink as well. You learn a lot of tricks when you're a functioning alcoholic.

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This is me as well. I can drink pretty heavily and be fine the next day. If I have a hangover it means I really went after it. Or I partied on a weeknight until 1 or 2 and had a meeting I had to go to the next morning.

Soygen said:

honey-wheat quad-max IPA

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This sounds awful.

Gunnar said:

We did a couple counseled a few years back to address some of my issues with her...mainly financial. I have supported us out entire marriage. She's a teacher at a private school and subbed a bunch of years. She's never made over 21000 in a single year. I'm fronting our life completely on my hard work and salary and it led to some major resentment issues.

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So what are these issues exactly?

Honestly, being the sole breadwinner--if my wife decided to make 15k this year? I'd be estatic.

Good on you for getting an appointment, as personally, I think that is the first step that needs to be taken. Not a marriage counselor but an actual individual therapist, who is trained to know what is going on and knows what steps you need to take to get out of that rut. Best of luck man.

LachiusTZ said:

Going to try and get all the questions:

Chances are I will not lose my job, gov't employee.

My preference on custody would be joint, I have no intention of limiting her time with him etc. Ideally, I would like for her to have a majority of the custody rights until he is 9 or 10, then us swapping (while maintaining joint custody the whole time, splitting time etc whatever, and in a few years I will be mobile enough to relocate to where ever she is to help facilitate this).

She stayed behind because she just got into grad school, and it was not worth while for her to drop out of school and relocate until she was able to xfer to grad school here. So we decided she would quit her job, do full time parent / student until she graduates or transfers.

No pics of the wife (She used to be a 9.5, now prolly a 7? We all age etc. Looks has nothing to do with our issues), I dont keep photos at all really. Have like 2 or 3 of the kid.

Open marriage I'd be down for, she not so much.

I dont want to "fuck with her" but am not opposed to employing sordid means to the end of keeping joint custody / etc.

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Honestly, your first post came off as you seeming kind of douche, but I understand when it first starts everyone is a little freaked out. So here is my take on your situation.

Unless you move back immediately you have little chance of getting joint custody. Once custody is established with out her being a major and I do mean major fuck up that custody will not change.

A win for you is not you getting whatever you want. A win is protecting what you do have.

Keep a journal of all interactions with your wife. The good and the bad. Try to be impartial as you record it. Some states it is even admissable in court but most it is not.

You want as many details as possible in your divorce decree. Especially describing child custody. You want as clear as line as possible that if she breaks it and you have to call a cop, It is not a he said she said situation. For example, You get kids every other holiday. Have all the dates and Holidays and days specifically written out. When she let's you have them on Halloween because she has something going on. Then in her head that means she gets them for Thanksgiving and Christmas because you had them for labor day and Halloween. This is where the clear line is needed. Is that pedantic bullshit. Hell yes. Welcome to divorce.

I would call her and tell her you don't hate her. (Doesn't matter if it's true or not) You still want to be a great father to your son and you two are still a team when it comes to raising him.

Keep your conversations with the ex focused on what is important for raising the child.

Do go through your local county for child support. They take out a chunk but better that than having a sword hanging over your head for back child support.

Cad is right, In general you want to keep things as cordial as possible because she can make things much much worse.

His first post sounded like he did a quick copy/paste of CalhoonJugganauts post on ReRolled which is why I asked if he changed his name. Their situations are almost identical, except he seems much less caught up in feeling sorry for himself and more ready to make a change.

Khane said:

His first post sounded like he did a quick copy/paste of CalhoonJugganauts post on ReRolled which is why I asked if he changed his name. Their situations are almost identical, except he seems much less caught up in feeling sorry for himself and more ready to make a change.

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Omi is talking to Lachius, not Gunnar. But I thought the same thing.