Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Mrs. Gravy · Jan 19, 2017

I have a potential scenario on which I would like input. My b-i-l and sister have invited me to a Superbowl party. It is with a group of my b-i-l's (lifelong) friends. They go every year but this will be the first time I have joined them. (In the way back I did attend some gatherings with this particular group so and have seen them at occasions such as weddings etc).
They have asked me because they want me to meet (re-meet) one of the men in the group who is currently eligible. I find him (from my internet sleuthing) to be quite interesting; I find him good looking and he appears to be athletic/fit. My sister indicates that he is extremely kind and as a bonus, he owns his own successful engineering firm. So I am definitely interested.

Here is where I need the input. I don't know if he knows that I am being brought for the purpose of meeting him - o.k., that and to have fun, let's be real - it is a party. (I haven't asked. my sister..I could, I just have not - should I or will it be more awkward if only one of us knows?!?)
If I don't ask and I presume that he does not know - how would you feel if in the course of the evening; IF conversation was easy and a woman had the opportunity that she confessed ever so gently that she wanted to meet you? Would you be flattered or freak out?
Incidentally, my sister is very well liked by all the guys in the group so that would go well for me too as we share a lot of similarities.

iannis · Jan 19, 2017

If you show up to the party and he knows that you're fairly recently widowed it will be pretty fucking obvious what's going on.

It might surprise him for about five minutes. Or it might not. Something like his buddy tells him, "Oh yeah. My wife's sister is coming this year. Yeah, it's sad, her husband passed away last year. You'll like her".

If his buddy gives him that tip he knows that it's game on.

So just go to have fun if you wanna go. There's no pressure on either one of you. It's a very obvious "lets have these two meet, they might like each other" situation.

But here's the thing too. If he couldn't figure it out on his own then you kinda gotta wonder. If, for whatever reason, I was too stuck in my head and had a woman who I'd been having a nice conversation with tell me that I'd be flattered. And then I'd ask a couple of pointed questions (not rude or hostile, only pointed).

And then I'd probably smack her on the ass and ask her to sign my tits. But i'm not an engineer, I'm just a crazy person.

moonarchia · Jan 20, 2017

Just ask him if he likes kimonos and mirrors. The rest will work itself out.

Omi43221 · Jan 20, 2017

Mrs. Gravy said:
I have a potential scenario on which I would like input. My b-i-l and sister have invited me to a Superbowl party. It is with a group of my b-i-l's (lifelong) friends. They go every year but this will be the first time I have joined them. (In the way back I did attend some gatherings with this particular group so and have seen them at occasions such as weddings etc).
They have asked me because they want me to meet (re-meet) one of the men in the group who is currently eligible. I find him (from my internet sleuthing) to be quite interesting; I find him good looking and he appears to be athletic/fit. My sister indicates that he is extremely kind and as a bonus, he owns his own successful engineering firm. So I am definitely interested.

Here is where I need the input. I don't know if he knows that I am being brought for the purpose of meeting him - o.k., that and to have fun, let's be real - it is a party. (I haven't asked. my sister..I could, I just have not - should I or will it be more awkward if only one of us knows?!?)
If I don't ask and I presume that he does not know - how would you feel if in the course of the evening; IF conversation was easy and a woman had the opportunity that she confessed ever so gently that she wanted to meet you? Would you be flattered or freak out?
Incidentally, my sister is very well liked by all the guys in the group so that would go well for me too as we share a lot of similarities.

Haha...such a first world problem. If this guy is freaked out by you showing interest in him then he's got other issues. Seriously this is like bowling with the guard rails up. Everything is in your favor and honestly if he doesn't know it's even better for you. If my friends were to let me know they invited a woman to meet me I start wondering if she has issues. If a woman at a party just starts a nice conversation with me it's all bonus.

Here is some other advice
Don't be clingy. If you are interacting nicely and he gets called away by his friends don't follow after him. Let conversation and interaction happen naturally.
Don't let/make him monopolize the conversation. Have questions for him, have your own anecdotes.
Be selective about what you reveal. I'm all for revealing all your flaws and troubles but not when you first meet someone. Telling him your into power yoga would be a good thing.

Some other things to consider. If he is an engineer possibility that he might be slightly aspie. Means he might take a little while to warm up to you no matter how perfect we all know your are Mrs G.

Have a great time at the party.

Hoss · Jan 20, 2017

Mrs G what about the other guy? Are you not exclusive with him? Even if you are, nothing wrong with going to a SB party and talking to someone. If he tries to move too fast you can always tell him you're not exactly available.

Mrs. Gravy · Jan 21, 2017

Thanks gentleman - you are delightful and always very helpful. I will go to the party and I will have a good time regardless of the interaction with that particular person.

I would think the "widow after being married almost 26 years" info (like

iannis indicated) should be enough to not signal any kind of other weird issue related thing. Dating is hard; dating after one hasn't dated since 1989...really fucking hard. I think that should suffice for info on why the introduction.

I must admit I don't understand the kimonos and mirrors remark as it is completely over my head so if he says yes how am I to interpret that?

Omi43221 - I am only perfect in all my flaws! FYI -my dad retired as a maintainability engineer with McDonnell Douglas/Boeing. My nephew is an ME, bonus nephew *that's another nephews best friend who we kind of adopted* is an EE, one of G's best friends who I hang out with in KC is an EE with his own company. I am well-versed in engineer. I also am well-versed in the spectrum as my degrees are communication disorders/Speech Language Pathology with minor in psychology and my job is as a Service Coordinator Mentor (supervisor) for an agency that serves individuals with developmental disabilities. I get it.

I am not a clingy person - more a butterfly at a party - or anywhere for that matter, I am VERY social. I have been told that I am a good listener and conversationalist in person. I give time and attention to individuals based on what they are signalling they need. Also, I am like my father in that I could get a telephone pole to tell me its family history.
This is actually what does get me into trouble sometime, such as with first two men who have been relegated to the friend field. BTW - they both still call/text me a couple of times a week. The first (not so book smart but really smart in other ways) one is comfortable in friend field; the other wants through the gate and has told me as much. I have replied that I admire his perseverance but I am not a stone to be smoothed by either rushing water or drops of rain so...if he wants to torture himself he can. Please don't think I am saying that in any kind of "oh I am so great" way but he has continued to tell me how much he likes me (and would like to fuck me) and wants more even though I have told him again and again it isn't happening. As a matter of fact; I am actively seeking other friends to set him up with. He needs a woman in his life but I am not that person. I have been able to continually cut back how much they call or text from daily to 2-3 times a week without hurting feelings so I will continue to modify my behavior and therefore theirs to a gentle end -back to acquaintanceship.

Hoss
Third man - great sex, fun time, great conversation man, I really like...is not exclusive. Nor am I to him; at least not now. I mean, he is the only person at this point in time with whom I have been intimate. More of you men here have seen my tattoo than any other irl person...He has some baggage and as such is not particularly ready for a me only thing. He isn't (he says) sexing anyone else and he has been honest with me in both small and large things, so I have no reason not to trust this is true. That being said, it doesn't mean if the right opportunity were to present itself, he wouldn't and we have agreed to tell one another - for that I am grateful. I am trying to maintain a level of detachment with him as I am only a couple of months into it and just want to see what happens.
He knew G, he knew of the last several years of my life with G and as such knows that life is ever so short in my eyes and that if the right opportunity were to present itself to me that I would take it and move on. Snooze ya lose.

Plan - go to party, be myself, (who else would I be) flirt if it feels right, be bold if it feels right, have a good time (it always feels right), always be grateful for the kindness of others - I am grateful.

iannis · Jan 21, 2017

Wait. He was offered sex and tried to hold out for more?

Bullet dodged. That one is just an idiot. You take the sex, jackass, and you're glad to have it.

Or else you don't and you're appreciative of the offer.

What you don't do is try to bargain.

Mrs. Gravy · Jan 21, 2017

iannis said:
Wait. He was offered sex and tried to hold out for more?

Bullet dodged. That one is just an idiot. You take the sex, jackass, and you're glad to have it.

Or else you don't and you're appreciative of the offer.

What you don't do is try to bargain.

I am sorry if I was unclear. Granted, I wrote a damn novella but here is a shorter version: first two dudes, no sex. third dude outstanding sex; probability of exclusivity currently is <5% which is a shame. First dude could have had sex if he would have kept his dumb mouth shut - but he IS an idiot. I mean seriously. The second dude never stood a chance of it even though he is physically attractive and ticks some of my boxes - he just will never be allowed access to my box as I know him WAY too well and he is not trustworthy in the long run. Nope, nada ain't gonna happen - he wants to fuck me, I don't want to fuck him.

iannis · Jan 21, 2017

So what you're saying is ain't no scrubs gonna get no love from you?

Hanging out the passengers side of their best friends ride tryin to holler at you?

Mrs. Gravy · Jan 21, 2017

iannis said:
So what you're saying is ain't no scrubs gonna get no love from you?

Hanging out the passengers side of their best friends ride tryin to holler at you?

That's right I don't want their number and I don't want to give them mine.

McCheese · Jan 21, 2017

Seriously considering ending my 3-year relationship.

We're perfectly matched in terms of interests and getting along, but we differ in our views of kids and our sex drives (I'm 32, she's 27). Neither of us is 100% sure about having kids, but I'm more on the "probably yes" and she's more on the "probably no" sides of the spectrum. I could possibly live without kids assuming everything else in the relationship is great, but we're running into issues with sex drives, too.

I have a pretty normal, healthy sex drive, but she's got almost no libido. Like once a month at most is what she prefers. Did a lot of frank talking about possible compromises and solutions last night, but from what she said, I'm not sure it'll ever reach a compromise that works for both of us. She seemed hesitant to even compromise at twice a month, and pretty much completely shot down once a week.

So that combined with the no kids thing is really bumming me out. She's the perfect woman other than these two incompatibilities. Sad times for McCheese

Incoming stress binge eating.

Picasso3 · Jan 21, 2017

She'll hit baby mania soon. Tell her to try another BC option if her libido hasn't always been shit.

I'm 12% confident in these instructions.

McCheese · Jan 21, 2017

Her libido has always been like that. Apparently it's been an issue in ending several of her past relationships, too.

One of the hopes I've been holding out this past year since our initial baby talk was that she'd get the baby bug and start wanting them. She's a dog lover, and she treats her dogs as her babies. She has an aunt who is married without kids, but with three dogs that she treats like babies. My girlfriend made a comment a while ago that she sees herself as being just like her aunt in 30 years. That pretty much dashed my baby hopes.

Finished runts. starting in on Doritos.

Deathwing · Jan 21, 2017

Is she even on BC? If not, sex once a week is a deal breaker for me. That is, in the context of you knowing she doesn't even want it that often. Nothing worse than a begrudging pity fuck. My wife and I will sometimes go more than a week without sex but for other reasons. Usually stemming from exhaustion and the stress of raising a toddler.

Humans like the feeling of progression and sex is no different. Kinda hard to develop better intimacy and thus a better overall relationship if you are only fucking once a month. Not to say it's impossible, you can definitely grow together over your love of sugar cookies.

Tenks · Jan 21, 2017

Yeah that sounds rough Cheese. It sounds like you're almost dating your best friend instead of a partner. It also seems (granted from exactly two posts) you are more interested in having a child than "slightly yes."

iannis · Jan 21, 2017

McCheese said:
Seriously considering ending my 3-year relationship.

We're perfectly matched in terms of interests and getting along, but we differ in our views of kids and our sex drives (I'm 32, she's 27). Neither of us is 100% sure about having kids, but I'm more on the "probably yes" and she's more on the "probably no" sides of the spectrum. I could possibly live without kids assuming everything else in the relationship is great, but we're running into issues with sex drives, too.

I have a pretty normal, healthy sex drive, but she's got almost no libido. Like once a month at most is what she prefers. Did a lot of frank talking about possible compromises and solutions last night, but from what she said, I'm not sure it'll ever reach a compromise that works for both of us. She seemed hesitant to even compromise at twice a month, and pretty much completely shot down once a week.

So that combined with the no kids thing is really bumming me out. She's the perfect woman other than these two incompatibilities. Sad times for McCheese Incoming stress binge eating.

Unforunately I think you have to end it as a potential marriage. And you just have to tell her "I just can't deal with sex once a month (which will fall off when we're married) and no kids. But you're so great, and I hate it so much, and that's just part of who you are. It's just part of who I am too. That's just going to wind up hurting both of us."

She'll probably never end it. It's not malicious at all, it's just passive. It sounds like she's been as up front with you as a woman can be. Staying means that you've accepted that.

If you stay without accepting it that's a lie you're telling her. Words are important but the actions are more important. Honestly you've already strung her on for a year. And it wasn't malicious for YOU either, you were hoping that she would change her mind. But she hasn't, has she?

I dunno either of you. Maybe this is something you can accept or should accept. Maybe it's not. But it's a really big deal either way. There's not a lot of life defining moments that come along but this is one of them. Transparent painful honesty, not letting her dodge the questions (because she's not stupid, as soon as you start talking about this she'll know what's happening -- and maybe you don't ambush her with it), and submission to what is rather than what is wanted.

Noodleface · Jan 21, 2017

McCheese I would have serious concerns with a woman only wanting sex once a week before marriage. As she gets older she'll most like want it less and if you're married she won't feel obligated for that anymore.

The kids thing is one of those things where you have to find a partner that wants what you want. I would never compromise on kids and I'd expect my partner to share my views. If you don't decide on those things you'll end up resenting the other person.

To me these 2 things would qualify a breakup

Cad · Jan 21, 2017

I kinda think if you're not banging every opportunity you get when you're young/unmarried/etc then when you get older and have responsibilities and other issues you're basically never going to fuck. Either you're ok with that or you're not.

moonarchia · Jan 21, 2017

Mrs. Gravy said:
I must admit I don't understand the kimonos and mirrors remark as it is completely over my head so if he says yes how am I to interpret that?

Sorry, that's a board historical theme. If he says yes, run away, or at least make sure to check your bushes at night.

TrollfaceDeux · Jan 21, 2017

My ex girlfriend still wants to get together. Wut do

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