Marriage and the Power of Divorce
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Conefed
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Kythik
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Gentlemen, I usually keep my posts to the gaming/books sections but I am trying to not go back on my decision as I have far too often. Nov. 3rd is the hard date either my soon to be ex-wife leaves or I will. I'll be going for custody of children. I left her 10 years ago but was a weak ass and took her back. Shit, for the last 10 years I have been expected to respect her boundaries and giver she wants she needs/wants without reciprocating. So, I am trying to not be a weak fuck and let her back. I am far from perfect with countless flaws but her lying, stealing, MCI (self-inflicted), Lupus, and narcolepsy have just become too much. I have failed my children staying. I have set a detrimental example by being a pathetic white knight.
Taking care of her though 7 surgeries, being hit by a car, having Lupus had progressed and became part of my identity. Dealing with someone that only remembers pieces then their brain fills in the gaps (known as confabulation), similar to dementia, has been soul-crushingly frustrating.
I have the fear I will be weak again but I have clarity that I have not had before. This time, unlike before, I have crossed over from hating her to being indifferent.
Taking care of her though 7 surgeries, being hit by a car, having Lupus had progressed and became part of my identity. Dealing with someone that only remembers pieces then their brain fills in the gaps (known as confabulation), similar to dementia, has been soul-crushingly frustrating.
I have the fear I will be weak again but I have clarity that I have not had before. This time, unlike before, I have crossed over from hating her to being indifferent.
Soygen
The Dirty Dozen For the Price of One
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Did someone put a gypsy curse on this woman?!
It sounds like you recognize your failures. Admitting to them is a start. What makes you go back? Is it empathy for her or fear of being alone for yourself?
Kythik
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It would seem so at first. The MCI and narcolepsy are a result of her own actions. I've realized that I put the blame on those conditions, despite fully knowing she did it to her self, as a way to justify staying and remaining in the caretaker role. But, looking back, I can see that quite a few of the behaviors I've attributed to her maladies were also an issue for the first 6 years.
It's a combination of both. Also, being in love with a memory of who she once was. For the last year, the fear of being romantically alone has been squashed. It's the fear that I won't be able to do the single dad thing completely alone--I do not associate with any of my family.
Cutlery
Kill All the White People
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I am in the same boat, and I can tell you this....
YOU CAN DO IT.
You will be exhausted. You will always have a list as long as your arm of shit that needs to be done that you do not have time for. You will feel like a failure as a parent for not having enough time for the kids. But you can do it, your kids WILL notice and they WILL respect you for it.
Just don't bring a revolving door of women thru their lives. Be very careful who you introduce to your children and just focus on being the stable household.
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agripa
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Not sure how old your kids are but they might end of hating you for leaving their sick mom.
ver_21
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How can MCI and narcolespy be the "result of her own actions"?
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Hosix
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Get the kids and go. When you feel weak just play WOW classic to pass the time.
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Hoss
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Kythik
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My 12-yo has already mimicked my taking care of her mother in several ways. To some extent, she understands but the anger is something I will deal with as it arises. The guilt for being a fucked example is helping me stay on my path.
You would be correct. She was abusing her opiates prescribed for her Lupus(her pain doctor was arrested by the feds due to his practices), which I was oblivious too for a while due to her using Tramadol to hide her withdrawal--I was also willfully oblivious and accept that. Abusing Tramadol gave her seizures while she was in detox. The MCI and narcolepsy were attributed to said seizures by two different doctors. None of the issues were present before she went to detox.
I left her before she went to detox but took her back with a month. 10-years later and I've regretted that decision often. Personal insecurities getting the best of me.
ver_21
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It sounds like both of you have had a long time of living hell. Lupus is no joke. Drug dealer pain docs are real evil.
There is no shame in admitting you can't care for someone. But considering all the time shared and history and children, I hope you are leaving her with some support and not leaving her alone or set up for some public ghetto institution.
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Kythik
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And caretaker fatigue, with PTSD symptoms, is real too. I'm not leaving because of drug addiction. I am leaving because she has chosen to not have a shred of personal responsibility. She has used her illness as a crutch to sidestep any blame. Somehow, she can remember what she needs that is important to her but "oops, I forgot" is often said to that which is important to me. Everything, even her lying, is always my fault. I take responsibility for my actions. I also work to make up for them with action. Sorry, to her, is the bandaid for everything but she rarely follows it with action. Reliving the same problem over and over and over and over and over and over. Perhaps I am just weak. I gave it a go for 10 years of the 17 we've been together.
Despite the anger and pain, there's relief and clarity this time that I had not experienced before. I'm not allowing myself to be petty. Perhaps it's the years of being in the caretaker role, or just the years spent, her personal safety is still a concern of mine. She's not going into an institution, but as the time ticks by, despite anything I say or do, she has not yet found where she's going. That's why I'm currently looking at other residences for my daughters and me.
She's able to work a retail job. She now has her own revenue stream. She can be fully responsible for herself. Her MCI has screwed her ability to comprehend consequences to actions. It skews her grap of logic: Example, she's falling asleep everywhere but wants to go to the store and she wans to take our toddler with. On top of the limitation the narcolepsy has in that instance, we live in the middle-class neighborhood but there's a hospital nearby and the homeless are a bit of an issue. A pregnant woman was mugged and beaten on the route to the store. I then felt that I had to convince her, which is hard when one's grasp of logic is what her's is. If I was unable to convince her I would have to just say no and stick to it. That made me a controlling monster.
I really do appreciate everyone's responses. Hey, I know if I was spouting bullshit I would be taken to task. Responding is helping me reinforce the fact that I am making the right decision. Part of me wants to be told I'm being a bitch and fucking it up. Then, I remember she's not the woman she was before the decisions she made that caused the seizures.
Hoss
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After I wrote that I started thinking about how just because you have a disease, it doesn't always mean you're an innocent victim. But we were talking about how the kids will blame you some day so you might as well get ready for it.
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Kythik
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I'm already trying to address my 12-yo's anger and mixed emotions. I am dreading my toddler's response--this might be the one area I really despise her mother but I'm the one that chose to stay to this point and I will handle it as I can.
iannis
Musty Nester
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Sounds like a bad situation all around and even the best option is not a good one.
Do what you can for the kids. The guilt of it will be lifelong, I think. As children they will blame you, and they might even as adults. But you're the one that has to live it and if this is how you protect them it just is.
It won't all be despair and misery.
Do what you can for the kids. The guilt of it will be lifelong, I think. As children they will blame you, and they might even as adults. But you're the one that has to live it and if this is how you protect them it just is.
It won't all be despair and misery.
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Cutlery
Kill All the White People
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Fuck that shit. You can't help an addict. They need to want to help themselves. You can be as supportive and caring for as long as you want, but if they don't want to get clean and have a sober life, then you're just wasting your time and they're just abusing you and your good will.
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Tarrant
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I mean yes and no. The common misconception is addicts are just junkies who got started on their own because they recreationally got high all the time.
For many that may be the case, but there’s also a good chunk of those that were genetically predisposed to addiction, (they’ve found genetic and neural markers for addiction) doctors were unaware and prescribed them opioids and it went down hill from there. A lot of those people DO want help but lack the ability to stop and to many, appear they don’t want help.
We as a society who don’t have to deal those issues themselves are pretty dismissive of addiction as it’s “their fault for making the choice” when for many it wasn’t.
Now, that being said yes there are tons out there that just wanna get high and lose themselves to it, but as science moves forward and we understand more and more how the brain works, we’re finding out that many people truly do want help, but lack the ability to seek it, understand it and deal/cope with it.
I suppose the issue then is determining who is and isn’t part of that group without extensive testing. I’ve found in my work more often then not, people want to be free of addiction but lack the ability to be without STRONG intervention. Many of those people once clean, still battle addiction and cravings the rest of their lives. Some will backslide and some won’t, But for those that do, it doesn’t mean they don’t want help or to be free of those addictions.
For many that may be the case, but there’s also a good chunk of those that were genetically predisposed to addiction, (they’ve found genetic and neural markers for addiction) doctors were unaware and prescribed them opioids and it went down hill from there. A lot of those people DO want help but lack the ability to stop and to many, appear they don’t want help.
We as a society who don’t have to deal those issues themselves are pretty dismissive of addiction as it’s “their fault for making the choice” when for many it wasn’t.
Now, that being said yes there are tons out there that just wanna get high and lose themselves to it, but as science moves forward and we understand more and more how the brain works, we’re finding out that many people truly do want help, but lack the ability to seek it, understand it and deal/cope with it.
I suppose the issue then is determining who is and isn’t part of that group without extensive testing. I’ve found in my work more often then not, people want to be free of addiction but lack the ability to be without STRONG intervention. Many of those people once clean, still battle addiction and cravings the rest of their lives. Some will backslide and some won’t, But for those that do, it doesn’t mean they don’t want help or to be free of those addictions.
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