Marriage and the Power of Divorce

SeanDoe1z1 said:

Came pretty close to adoption (drafted) but the bio dad backed out. It is her/his kid and will remain that way. I am merely the supporting actor. Doesn’t make it hurt any less. Always post 18 if it goes that route. I treat her the same as my other kids and have no delusions about the current situation.

The prenup thing was a stupid 20 something I thought I needed to protect myself. It was merely to keep her college loans off me if we separated due to infidelity. It’s basically a non factor at this point. I honestly don’t even know how well it would hold up in my situation. Kids were not a thought at that point.

I never had alcohol related problems with US law or work, was just a pos father/husband from 17-2020. I readily admit I relied heavily on escapism / drugs and used it as an excuse while I transitioned out of the military. I blamed a lot of people / situations for my inability to succeed in life. It took rock bottom (losing kids) to wake up. My own fault and I am embarrassed at how weak I was to not recognize the future outcome

I’m not trying to vilify her either, she literally admitted to having sex with this guy two weeks ago. We just had a conversation and wants to “move forward” for the kids. I mean it’s really fucking with my brain and I’m starting to think I’m the crazy one but by definition, do the same thing...expecting different results. Like the same type of “relationship” talk we have after I find out she’s continuing everything...but this time is suppose to be “real”

It honestly feels like more bullshit manipulation even if she appears genuine. I never recorded anything. It’s all admission.

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SeanDoe1z1 said:

I actually recorded the admissions over our last call and feel like a POS doing it but I cannot continue to being fed BS and need ammo for a lawyer.

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Big Phoenix said:

Uhh Id be careful with that. Two party consent states and stuff.

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SeanDoe1z1 said:

My scenario has been rapidly deteriorating over the last couple years, more specifically the last 4 months. I hit rock button as a functional alcoholic. It was just work, drink, video games. I got fat, and overall became a self-loathing POS. Wife wanted a divorce. It was a wake-up call and I immediately stopped drinking and honestly 180'd my life around pretty hardcore. Much more time with the kids, calmed the tits off my sex drive substantially which was causing a problem, I cook/clean/do all the weekend shit as my wife and I have separate schedules (My weekend sat sun, vs her weekend weds/thurs). We basically became roommates sleeping in other beds, but not the drag out shout matches you would expect from your stereotypical couple. I'm down about 50 pounds, stopped snoring. We sleep in the same bed, sex life is obviously good for her but its really laissez faire for me but I put on a good show. Literally the only woman I've slept with. I am one of those people...


Wife, 3 kids (2 are mine, one step (around since young baby)). I'm about to turn 33, her 39. She pulls in about 35k over me (100K vs 65K + my free healthcare).


I've been sober a solid 6 month. In my sobriety I discovered her long-term affair. The affair must have been pretty obvious before, even to outsiders who have raised some eyebrows, but it just cements with me what has been going on with a previous coworker and all those red flags that come rushing back in hindsight. The confrontation was your atypical bullshit - how could, etc etc, we'll fix it through counseling. All the usual BS. I think she expecting me to just leave the marriage entirely because infidelity has always been a red line for me to the point of having a prenuptial citing for it. I guess red line is a bad choice of words considering the current situation.

She was my first love, she still acts like she loves me, but obviously wants to sit on the fence with coworker #1. We basically stopped counseling because no reasonable adult can put up with this kind of shit and I've finally given her the ultimatum of having the self-respect to stop dragging around with her words then do the most hurtful possible thing with her actions. Before I was afraid to "push her away", but honestly my feelings have pretty much moving towards a "relief" category where I am finally coming to terms with what the fuck is actually going on. What baffles me, is I've helped more than one person in a similar situation...but I keep opening up my stupid ass heart to be crushed again.

Basically I'm afraid of losing my kids (even on a 50/50 joint custody situation). I have to reserve the right I cannot be apart of the step kid's life pretty much at all anymore without willing participation. I just went through the process of buying our "semi-forever" home in a good district and honestly, it feels like my wife was setting this up for awhile. Really doesn't anger me, but I was the bread winner for 8/10 years we've been together and she recently landed herself a pretty badass job.


I feel like I'm at a standstill where I want her to tell me she wants out of the marriage with her words, not this passive aggressive BS. In the past 120 days shes either lied to me about contacting the guy or outright going on a date with him 3 times. Its obvious her actions are telling me a story, but she keeps stringing me along with her words.


Flame me, validate me. Fuck -- I don't care, just give me another perspective because I feel insanely manipulated over here. I am basically filling my days with work, gym, and family time and feel like I'm walking with dystopian glasses on. We literally just had a 6 day vacation together and had a pretty damn good time across 2 states / theme parks. Sex, holding hands etc the entire time...to only find out she literally went on a date with the same guy the week before. Like, the anger is pretty much subsided and I feel like I just married a dud that instead of wanting to grow with me, its just a fuck-it-all and throw it all away attitude.




Whats the best way to protect my time with my two biological kids in this situation?

Is this marriage even worth saving?

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SeanDoe1z1 said:

I'm in a one party consent state for recording. Honestly i don't even plan to use it, its not like I'm trying to get something out of it. I want the kids to be in this house (literally purchased for the school district / proximity) and obviously don't want the kids separated any extended length of time from their older sister. She makes more money. This isn't some gotcha. Best case scenario we live in a perfect happy life we both desperately want to edge onto. This is entirely unrealistic. I cannot see a scenario where I can trust her anymore.

A more better scenario? We split up with 50/50 custody and she keeps the house and gets what she wants. I have no idea how she plans to continue working the weekends unless shes dropping 2 of the 3 kids off every weekend. God what a clusterfuck this is.

Shit sucks. She came back and wants to work on it for the kids, is planning on going to counseling herself, once again makes the promise she won't be with her boyfriend -- because that is what he is. A boy friend. Not a fling, a person she literally fucks and says she loves too. The advice here honestly helps because it just feels like enough people need to beat me in the head and move on.

I feel like she is trying to save it because she is about to lose all the "good" I bring and realize I'm not so fucking terrible after all. I don't know why I am even trying to settle for her other than being my first love. The negative outweighs the positive in a pure her vs me situation.

But the kids man...

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chaos said:

Prolonging the end of a doomed relationship will not help them. It will only hurt them, and hurt the both of you in their eyes.

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SeanDoe1z1 said:

So in this turbulent time do I bite the bullet and move out? I am increasingly unhappy in my job and want to move. I'm striking out on local interviews, but will keep going forward, a lot of my skillset (security clearance) points me towards Oklahoma City which is 2 hours away and I'm not ready to do that...

Do I move forward with the divorce where it inevitably gets ugly (who lives where etc)? We only recently separated finances and like I said, she has way more resources than me in terms of dragging out a custodial fight. I already have been in meetings with her lawyer on her current custodial agreement with the biological dad of the oldest. I pretty much know how its going to go: the lawyer will say shes entitled to XYZ and will do whatever she says not understanding the consequences or motivations of a law firm dragging her along. I've dealt with it my entire married life with her. It got so heated the last couple years I honestly wanted 0% to do with anything on her end and her bio kid because as much as she doesn't want to admit it, she fucking loves the drama. We aren't bitter towards each other and obviously have resentment, but the second lawyers are involved I know how easy a wall goes up.

If I move out of the house there isn't any coming back. I'm that type of person that once I'm decommitted I'm not coming back over some salacious text or booty call. That is why I have given the huge number of chances I have because I know what I'll do once I'm out the door. AKA probably stop talking to her entirely outside of kid only conversations.

I've worked the entire time we have been married with the exception of two semesters of GI bill + unemployment and not knowing which civilian direction I wanted to go. I've been steady in this job for 5 years now and its about as white-collar secure as you would want it to be. But I'm ready to move on as the low pay + free healthcare isn't nearly as big as an incentive as it once was.






Honestly what do I want? I want a wife that doesn't cheat on me. If its my current one? I can still open my heart but I know when shes genuine or when shes being forced into something. And all this feels forced, because I finally got tired of stringing along and said make a decision NOW. I feel like I'm being the immature one and already know the answer but don't want to own up to the consequences of both our actions.


So deep down what do I want? I want the house in her name, my name off the mortgage. I want to live in a new home with enough bedrooms and close enough I can have my two bio kids 50 % of the time. I don't mind paying any CS. I don't mind splitting bills, but I am definitely not in the best position as I would like to be.


I have about 25K in a 401K i really don't want to touch. Cash on hand I maybe am sitting on 3k without much upside happening (we split the bills and even saving frugally I'm not taking away much as the portion of the bills hit my check bigger in terms of takehome). I am pretty frugal. She pulls in about 100K (12k of that already being CS of the first guy) and she barely saves as much as I would because her tastes are ridiculously expensive.

I really do love her, but I feel like I'm Dexter from that series. When it comes to sex, I just don't even enjoy it with her anymore. Shes a solid 7, even after 3 kids and it fucks my male brain up something fierce. I could fuck her sideways for hours and never reach climax. Its all mental and its destroyed. Maybe that is normal for a 10yr marriage, but it all started after I found the first of ....four.... smoking guns.


I am a lonely, retarded man that on the surface has a ton of shit going for him. But deep down I am an idiot for never trusting any instinct I've ever had. I look at other attractive women and it just brings pain. It all feels foreign. I literally feel like Dexter from that show, I put on a good face. I can make people laugh but deep down I feel like I'm in the middle of a fucking tornado. Calm for now, but everything quickly reaching the precipice of disaster.

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