Marriage and the Power of Divorce
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Bronze Squire
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Noodlebro - Moving houses is one of the BIG stress tests in life, along with changing jobs. But in this case, it's two people stressing. Go home tonight with a chill attitude, apologize for blowing up, but tell her WHY you went apeshit. Then say, I'm going to take the evening off and veg in front of the TV (or whatever) and invite her to do the same. If she wants to do shit around the house still, say that's cool, but you need a night off to recharge. Say lovey dovey stuff to her and mean it.
Chaosbro - Man, that sucks. I wish I had good advice, but everyone's sex drive is different. I had no issues with the slowdown in sex, but I can definitely see how some dudes would. Say lovey dovey shit to her; then go grip it and rip it. Individual results may vary.
Eomer - What chaos said.
Chaosbro - Man, that sucks. I wish I had good advice, but everyone's sex drive is different. I had no issues with the slowdown in sex, but I can definitely see how some dudes would. Say lovey dovey shit to her; then go grip it and rip it. Individual results may vary.
Eomer - What chaos said.
lindz
#DDs
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Noodle, I was unpacked 5 days after we moved in. Like... totally unpacked besides a few boxes of season stuff in the garage. We've had a couple of things on our to do list, but I handle that stuff entirely for the most part. My husband doesn't really do stuff around the house. Occasionally he'll help out if it isn't something I can do on my own but I'm pretty anal about doing things on my own timeline and if I was to wait for him to help, we'd be waiting months. I think the most he did with unpacking the house was consolidating the wrapping paper for the dishes into a couple of separate boxes and sticking them in the garage. lol I did get him out to choose a new couch and kitchen table though since I am terrible at making decisions on my own.
Chaos, that really sucks to hear. Sorry dude. Hope she's ok. Sex life... that is so tough and I don't know how people manage with that kind of stuff.
I'm all about communication, like... totally open, constant communication about sex stuff. Really brought us to a good place though we didn't really have trouble with it before. I know it's a lot easier said than done, so I am totally no help. Hope it doesn't get too bad.
Chaos, that really sucks to hear. Sorry dude. Hope she's ok. Sex life... that is so tough and I don't know how people manage with that kind of stuff.
I'm all about communication, like... totally open, constant communication about sex stuff. Really brought us to a good place though we didn't really have trouble with it before. I know it's a lot easier said than done, so I am totally no help. Hope it doesn't get too bad.
Falstaff
Ahn'Qiraj Raider
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Eomer, my experience is that the biggest difference between getting married and a "regular" relationship is living together. You guys are already doing that. If she is a good woman then marriage shouldn't change your relationship that much but what do I know.
Blazin
Creative Title
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I'm happy with my wife married for 15 years together for 20. I would say things changed more with children than they do simply by being married. I think it is quite common for women to change somewhat once they become mothers, the priorities naturally change and is only a problem when it goes too far, but things certainly do change. You are early thirties right? At some point you and this woman will have to decide if you want to start a family, but it's likely a very different life than the one you have been living.
Cad
scientia potentia est
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Eomer, I didn't find that marriage changed things much (depending on how close you were pre-marriage, of course) but kids changed everything. The whole shared responsibility dynamic leads to a lot of "who isn't pulling their weight" type irritation with the other person since kids suck down a lot of your time.
Tuco
I got Tuco'd!
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Truth. The wife and I have our shenanigans but marriage is great and didn't change much about our relationship.
chaos
Buzzfeed Editor
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Yeah I have seen you talk about that and I wish we were that open. But really, there isn't much to be open about right now. We do talk about it but it is a lot of negative, and I don't want to put her on the defensive about this shit all the time either. Such a hard situation because there is no real answer. It just is what it is and now we have to live with it.Chaos, that really sucks to hear. Sorry dude. Hope she's ok. Sex life... that is so tough and I don't know how people manage with that kind of stuff.
I'm all about communication, like... totally open, constant communication about sex stuff. Really brought us to a good place though we didn't really have trouble with it before. I know it's a lot easier said than done, so I am totally no help. Hope it doesn't get too bad.
Cad
scientia potentia est
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If she is unwilling or unable to provide sexual intimacy, does she also deny you the ability to seek that intimacy elsewhere?
Xarpolis
Life's a Dream
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Have you ever considered marriage counseling? And not the kind that puts one or the other on a constant defensive. Just open conversations about why either of you act the way you act. What are you both thinking on a daily basis? There's a reason the sex drive was shut off. Does she not feel attractive? If so, why not? Is it something that she could work on (going to the gym) or you could do (complimenting her more)? Little shit goes a long way.
chaos
Buzzfeed Editor
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I am pretty sure even discussing that would be the beginning of the end of our relationship. And I don't want another woman, I want her, but she has changed so much it is crazy. The way things go now, every couple of months we have sex, even then she's not really into it but she does it. This is completely the opposite of how she was even a couple of years ago.
We've never done counseling either. The sex drive thing is partly due to medications and child birth, that can't be completely it but I don't know what it really is. I think the idea of even talking about counseling is scary. But it does seem like it can't keep on this way forever.
iannis
Musty Nester
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It's also something to bear in mind that if she's getting a radical... there really is some real chronic pain. I mean even men, who are DTF all the damn time... when you have chronic pain it's hard to give a shit.
Not that it's going to magically get better all by itself, but that surgery might allow for the potential at least. Where pain and general feeling of being unwell negates that potential entirely.
No doubt it'll take some work. You might even have to romance her again. And if she wasn't a sexpot when she was 20, there's no reason to expect she will be when she's 30. Just it doesn't sound like it's completely destined for doom and gloom. Thingstendto get worse in life as a general rule. But they don'thaveto get worse!
Not that it's going to magically get better all by itself, but that surgery might allow for the potential at least. Where pain and general feeling of being unwell negates that potential entirely.
No doubt it'll take some work. You might even have to romance her again. And if she wasn't a sexpot when she was 20, there's no reason to expect she will be when she's 30. Just it doesn't sound like it's completely destined for doom and gloom. Thingstendto get worse in life as a general rule. But they don'thaveto get worse!
Cad
scientia potentia est
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I mean it might be one or the other anyway. Is she doing the hysterectomy due to breast cancer?
chaos
Buzzfeed Editor
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Yeah the pain thing is new, the sex thing is not. We have other problems, normal marriage shit like money, chores, etc. But the sex thing is the one that just drives me fucking batshit crazy. All I can really hope at this point is that after the surgery and hormones, things get better.
She's doing it due to chronic pain. They haven't said for sure they are doing it once she has the surgery, but most likely. They thought she had ovarian cysts and they are thinking now that she likely has endometriosis.
She's doing it due to chronic pain. They haven't said for sure they are doing it once she has the surgery, but most likely. They thought she had ovarian cysts and they are thinking now that she likely has endometriosis.
Noodleface
A Mod Real Quick
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Yeah I vent here mostly. I won't come here to say "everything is great, just checking in."
I don't blow up very often, it's the way I am. I bottle a lot of stuff, turn the other cheek, etc. When I do blow up, usually it's big and I'm really pissed off. The soda spilling on the floor just rustled my jimmies the wrong way.
It's going to pass and we have an otherwise great marriage. It's the little stuff that gets to me though.
I type this from my office with bags under my eyes. Literally that worn out and burnt out.
Forgot to mention. It was a long night of us picking up the new chair and bringing it home, moving the couch and scratching the floor. Living room looks really weird now and she goes "you know what.. we definitely need a second chair". My mind is screaming "FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST BRING IT UP AT THE STORE" but my body is saying "sure, we can go again."
I don't blow up very often, it's the way I am. I bottle a lot of stuff, turn the other cheek, etc. When I do blow up, usually it's big and I'm really pissed off. The soda spilling on the floor just rustled my jimmies the wrong way.
It's going to pass and we have an otherwise great marriage. It's the little stuff that gets to me though.
I type this from my office with bags under my eyes. Literally that worn out and burnt out.
Forgot to mention. It was a long night of us picking up the new chair and bringing it home, moving the couch and scratching the floor. Living room looks really weird now and she goes "you know what.. we definitely need a second chair". My mind is screaming "FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST BRING IT UP AT THE STORE" but my body is saying "sure, we can go again."
Noodleface
A Mod Real Quick
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Definitely need a recharge. I should mention that since I graduated in December (from engineering which = 2 hours of sleep per night) I haven't really had a break at all. We immediately were looking for a house.
Noodleface
A Mod Real Quick
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I think you guys should have a real conversation about it, depending on how sensitive she is to the issue.
My mother-in-law got a hysterectomy and turned into nothingness. She has a man's haircut now, dresses like a man, and made her husband move to a separate room. I don't mean to scare you, but know that this is a possibility if you don't talk (they didn't and still don't).
My mother-in-law got a hysterectomy and turned into nothingness. She has a man's haircut now, dresses like a man, and made her husband move to a separate room. I don't mean to scare you, but know that this is a possibility if you don't talk (they didn't and still don't).