Marriage and the Power of Divorce

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iannis

iannis

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lindz_sl said:
I feel like sex being a healthy and important part of our lives isn't something that is considered in the medical community.
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Sex is the spark of life. You need to worry less about the mental health of a person who is still thinking about it. People do have their personal opinions on the matter. But honestly, those opinions have no place in the work.

Unless you happen to be a sex therapist. Then your opinions are the work.
 
Cad

Cad

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chaos_sl said:
That's the thing, my wife has changed significantly in this regard. And not just the normal slowdown thing, I expect that. Any reasonable person would. I just don't think having reluctant sex once every couple of months is reasonable. Maybe I am wrong and that is what other people do, but I don't get that impression.
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All bravado and bullshit aside, that absolutely is not normal and you shouldn't accept it.
 
Deathwing

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She changed, as in she made a most likely unconscious decision to not like sex anymore? Or she has a medical condition that killed her sex drive?
 
BrotherWu

BrotherWu

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Chaos, I feel your pain. We argue from time to time about money and chores but, by far, the biggest disagreements we have had in our marriage have been about sex. As in, I want it and she is not in the mood. In the worst cases, I go totally ape shit. Daddy needs some love.

However, at 15+ years of marriage, two kids, we've gotten into a cadence of sex or hummers once or twice on the weekend. Occasionally I may score on a weeknight but it's not usually worth pressing the issue. Work, kids homework, chores and shit.

My wife has stayed fit and attractive. I look at other women but I am perfectly happy to tap her and her only for the rest of my life. I still have sex dreams about her. The trouble comes she is not in the mood or when she's a little less freaky than she used to be. Not a lot you can do about it but manage it I think.

By the way, I wouldn't necessarily think that the surgery will shut down her desire. I've had friends who've had wives who went from disinterested to raging nymphos after getting everything removed. I think it depends on the person, the meds and their psychology.

I definitely would consider bringing up the topic once she has recovered. You have to talk.
 
Vitality

Vitality

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Deathwing_sl said:
She changed, as in she made a most likely unconscious decision to not like sex anymore? Or she has a medical condition that killed her sex drive?
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If it's any of these things and she has not made an active effort to address it, then that's the part that's not legit. Right?

Being okay with not being okay is not okay. It's self justified neglect.
 
Deathwing

Deathwing

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Vitality_sl said:
Resolving the apparent lack of consideration for the health of herself and subsequently the marriage.

Am I too short-sighted on this or is this apparent relationship neglect?
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No, you're being too vague. I want specific examples what Chaos' wife could be reasonably expected to do to fix this problem.
 
mkopec

mkopec

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I would not call it change, I would call it a morphing into something different and yet better IMO. As the years go by and the kids come and all that other shit that comes with marriage, it only matures like a fine wine. sure there are ups and downs, but overall it morphs into something more than just a relationship.
 
iannis

iannis

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He's tried talking to her, it shuts her down even tighter. If -that- shuts her down then he's probably spot on that the idea of asking her to go with him to a marriage counselor/priest will result in some very bad things. I mean there's so many things that it could be. She could just be feeling her age as well. She could just be emotionally drained from the kids. She could be feeling neglected. She could, etc etc etc.

That's a tough fucking spot to be in. Uncle Gravy has the right of it... communication. But you can't force her to talk about it. So maybe you just make a big effort (different than the Grand Gesture) and hope that your wife takes pity on her poor, horny, husband. And gradually, by virtue of being smarter than a woman, are able to lead her back into the light.

A crisis point -is- approaching. It may still be years away. Maybe she works out whatever it is that she's obviously working through internally and becomes more willing to talk about it in the coming months.

The surgery will change things. No one can predict how... just that "this too will pass."
 
Vitality

Vitality

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Deathwing_sl said:
No, you're being too vague. I want specific examples what Chaos' wife could be reasonably expected to do to fix this problem.
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I feel like her not thinking it's a problem, is the problem.

The most specific initial example is for her to atleast be compassionate with realizing it's a problem for Chaos. Secondary steps include finding a solution, for instance initial research into topicals and supplements. Tertiary steps include scheduling romantic occasions with subtle expectations of some kind of sexual nature.

If any of the above examples prove to be off the table, than this relationship in my mind, is in for rapid turbulence and is experiencing active neglect.

Edit: I agree with Iannis.
 
Deathwing

Deathwing

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Vitality_sl said:
I feel like her not thinking it's a problem, is the problem.

The most specific initial example is for her to atleast be compassionate with realizing it's a problem for Chaos. Secondary steps include finding a solution, for instance initial research into topicals and supplements. Tertiary steps include scheduling romantic occasions with subtle expectations of some kind of sexual nature.

If any of the above examples prove to be off the table, than this relationship in my mind, is in rapid turbulence and active neglect.
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I don't think we've fully established the source of the problem. If it's medical, which Chaos' initial post implies, does that change the nature of the problem and how she should react to it?

If she's still ignoring that her husband wants sex, that's a totally different problem. That's ignorance bordering on stupidity. I'm going to trust that she understands that. She can show compassion, but what's the result there? Can't fuck compassion. Topicals and supplements...eh, I'm not sure I would go there myself. The side effects on those are huge. You can't even hug your children directly after applying testosterone. Myself, I'd happily masturbate rather than risk my wife's health. Scheduled romance? Essentially forced(for one person) pity sex, that's a solution?
 
Xarpolis

Xarpolis

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I would agree with Iannis a lot more if not for that damn avatar. Every time I see it, I think he's a bowling alley employee and not to be taken seriously. But he says great shit.
 
Vitality

Vitality

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Deathwing_sl said:
I don't think we've fully established the source of the problem. If it's medical, which Chaos' initial post implies, does that change the nature of the problem and how she should react to it?

If she's still ignoring that her husband wants sex, that's a totally different problem. That's ignorance bordering on stupidity. I'm going to trust that she understands that. She can show compassion, but what's the result there? Can't fuck compassion. Topicals and supplements...eh, I'm not sure I would go there myself. The side effects on those are huge. You can't even hug your children directly after applying testosterone. Myself, I'd happily masturbate rather than risk my wife's health. Scheduled romance? Essentially forced(for one person) pity sex, that's a solution?
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I think you're pulling some of my statements into your own context.

I'm simply stating whether it's medical or something else, her not being compassionate enough to understand where Chaos is at is a pretty big issue. I'm sure her actually giving a fuck would go a long way for Chaos, atleast it would for me if I were in his spot.

Counseling or other actions need to be taken if she literally doesn't give a shit about this.
 
Soygen

Soygen

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I have a hard time sleeping with only one person when they are giving me sex regularly, let alone if they stopped or dropped to once every few months.

The fact that you(chaos) can't communicate about these issues without it becoming a bigger problem is therealproblem here. This shit will only fester if both of you can't speak openly about it.
 
Deathwing

Deathwing

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Vitality_sl said:
I think you're pulling some of my statements into your own context.

I'm simply stating whether it's medical or something else, her not being compassionate enough to understand where Chaos is at is a pretty big issue. I'm sure her actually giving a fuck would go a long way for Chaos, atleast it would for me if I were in his spot.

Counseling or other actions need to be taken if she literally doesn't give a shit about this.
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You really think she doesn't give a shit about this? She is THAT ignorant to completely miss why her husband wants to fuck? They are likely past the compassionate stage, neither budged, and now both of them are grumpy about it. Repeated attempts to talk do nothing because the problem, whatever it is, has become personal.
 
lindz

lindz

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Cad_sl said:
The disconnect is thinking that you can't love them if you also don't have sex with them. I'll explain.

Of course you love your wife for more than sex - you wouldn't have married her otherwise (I hope). There's a lot they bring to the relationship. HOWEVER, us men being men, we will eventually be unhappy without steady sex.

Why does the person giving you sex have to be the same person you partner with? I'm not talking some open relationship etc in general (although whatever people do is fine) I'm just saying when clearly the other person doesn't want or can't have sex, why does that mean the end of the relationship? Why can't she see her way clear to understanding your needs and either seeing to it that they get fulfilled herself by bringing girls home and being a participant, or allowing you to fulfill your needs on your own?

The conventional wisdom is that you're an asshole if you step out or just say "I need sex", but we are only human. You will only get one life, and your opportunities to get your dick wet will dwindle as you get older. It's like saying "I simply choose not to travel to 90% of the world, because I love my wife and she won't travel. I can't go without her either, because of social norms, so just fuck the rest of the world. I won't experience it. The end." ?? What?
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That's a bit naive though Cad. Sex and love go hand in hand for the vast majority of married people and there is nothing wrong with it.

What I think is wrong is that women have developed a "I'll only have sex once a month because that's all I *need*" mentality. I don't have the same physical need as men, but that doesn't mean I want it less. If anything, I probably have a higher sex drive than my husband even though his physical need is higher. I enjoy it, I enjoy pleasing him. Society keeps telling women they don't need to want or have it and its just fucked up.

I also don't think it is unreasonable to expect things will go to shit as time goes on. Yes I've only been married for 10 years so maybe it will change some another ten years from now, but I don't expect it to be hugely significant changes given the way we've structured our life. We don't let shit fester, ever. We are open, we communicate, we do the vast majority of our hobbies together and sex is really one of those.
 
Noodleface

Noodleface

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lindz_sl said:
That's a bit naive though Cad. Sex and love go hand in hand for the vast majority of married people and there is nothing wrong with it.

What I think is wrong is that women have developed a "I'll only have sex once a month because that's all I *need*" mentality. I don't have the same physical need as men, but that doesn't mean I want it less. If anything, I probably have a higher sex drive than my husband even though his physical need is higher. I enjoy it, I enjoy pleasing him. Society keeps telling women they don't need to want or have it and its just fucked up.

I also don't think it is unreasonable to expect things will go to shit as time goes on. Yes I've only been married for 10 years so maybe it will change some another ten years from now, but I don't expect it to be hugely significant changes given the way we've structured our life. We don't let shit fester, ever. We are open, we communicate, we do the vast majority of our hobbies together and sex is really one of those.
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The answer has been staring us in our faces the whole time.

chaos, you need one of these. a lindz
 
Cad

Cad

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lindz_sl said:
That's a bit naive though Cad. Sex and love go hand in hand for the vast majority of married people and there is nothing wrong with it.
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I think it's the idea that sex and love can *only* go hand in hand thats naive.

There's nothing wrong with it going hand in hand, but if it doesn't, thats ok and there's nothing wrong with it.
 
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