Marriage and the Power of Divorce
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Kill All the White People
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I don't really have anyone to talk to about this shit, and I don't really know how to process this, so I'm just gonna write this down here and maybe someone's got some insight into this.
I got married at 19. We were together for almost 19 years. Our relationship was very solidly built on sex. We had a lot, all the time. Even when we were arguing, even when we were not talking to each other, we had a lot of sex. I'm not saying this to brag or anything, I'm just framing what it was. My kink is that I'm a pleaser. I like doing the work, I like when women are having a good time, I like figuring out what makes them work, and I like doing it to excess. I guess that's probably why we stayed married for as long as we did....hard to hate someone who rocks the shit outta your world.
My marriage ended badly. Very badly. I got pissed when I shouldn't have, I did something that 99 people out of 100 wouldn't give a second thought to, and I ended up spending 4 days in jail for it. In that time, she straight up lied to a DV "advocate" or some shit, and she ended up getting a protection order against me, while I had defensive wounds on me. Enter the worst fucking year of my life. Can't go home, can't talk to the mother of my children, for a while couldn't talk to the children, slept on my sister's couch for 5 months, all while dealing with a massive legal thunderstorm hanging over my head. I filed for divorce because I had no other options. She was devastated. Yes, you read that right - she had an OFP against me, I wasn't allowed to go home, I could not talk to her, I couldn't see my kids, and yet, she didn't want to get divorced. That was about the time my daughter started realizing who the problem was.
I came out of the divorce pretty good. Kept my house, kept my pension, my oldest lived with me, split custody on the youngest. Basically the best I could hope for. Still had to pay off the 100k in credit card debt she ran up behind my back, and buy her out of the house, but small price to pay for the rest of it, I suppose. The criminal shit was settled with a stay of adjudication after I pled to the bullshit charge to keep my kids off the stand, and keep the ugliness out of public record. Probation for one year, do some bullshit classes, and everything goes away. I suppose the bullshit classes are where the story really starts. Anger management classes. I was the only guy in that room who had never laid a hand on his spouse. What a fucked up situation to be in. I was the guy taking the abuse, and here I was, learning to manage my anger.
I'll never forget the main driving theme of that class. You should never let someone have enough control over you to get angry at them. Everything just kept coming back to that point. If they make you angry, just leave. Don't ever care about someone that makes you angry. I even brought it up at one point and said "It honestly really just sounds like you're never supposed to give a shit about anyone, because if you don't give a shit, how are you gonna get angry?" The guy had no argument for it. It's like no one had ever thought of it before. In my world, I really only get pissed about shit I care about. Why would I get pissed about shit I don't care about? What a waste of time. And that was the lesson I took from it. If you don't wanna spend 4 days in jail, don't care about anyone, and then you can just walk away when shit goes sideways and you don't go to jail.
Speaking of which, even though the class of the charge I caught was in the domestic violence branch of laws, it didn't actually include any violence. However, if you're convicted of a 2nd offense of anything in this classification of laws in the next 10 years, it's an automatic throat fucking of biblical proportion as the justice system tries to teach you a fucking lesson for treating your partners like shit. And now with all that backdrop, we finally come to my current relationship.
We've been together for about 6 years I guess, off and on. Basically, she was hounding me, we worked together, I didn't think it was a good idea, she kept hounding me, I eventually relented, then I figured out it was way too soon after my divorce for me to care about anyone, so I broke it off with her as gently as I could, and she just stayed there - just around the proverbial corner. Always just waiting right there, trying to pretend like she was moving on with her life, but very obviously just waiting for me. She will tell you that she just knew we were meant to be together, and she was willing to wait around for me to get there. I dated a few other girls for a year or so. They were all fucking psychos, and when I got tired of that shit, I asked her if she wanted to try again. She was so good at pretending she was playing it cool and not the most excited she's ever been, I almost believed her. She's great. She's good with the kids, she's an awesome cook, she takes care of the house. She is the ultimate cheerleader for me - anything I get stressed out about, she tells me I can handle, and she's gonna help. She gives gives me super thoughtful gifts that have high emotional value. She's fucking awesome, she's everything I wish my first marriage was.
But, here I am - not caring about anything or anyone, so I don't go back to jail. I'm playing the part, but my heart's not in it because it can't be. Furthermore - she likes it rough. She loves to be thrown around and bit and choked and all that stuff. I used to be fine with that, I can do that, the ex liked that too. Except, well, here's the thing - my ex lied about some shit, and I went to jail. And if it happens again, to anyone, I don't get to come home after 4 days with no bail because I'm a model citizen who doesn't even have a parking ticket. So, I can't bring myself to do any of it. How the fuck am I gonna explain marks on this woman's neck or wrists? All I need is one session that gets a little rough, one argument afterwards, and next thing you know I'm back in the county lockup wondering why the fuck I decided to throw my life away because some chick likes to be manhandled.
So the last few years have been really weird for me. It's like I haven't been able to be me. I haven't been able to do the things I enjoy doing. I haven't been able to let my guard down and care about anyone. I basically had to logic my way into giving her a ring. I did it because my daughters need a role model. They need to see that it's not okay to just hang around with a guy forever with no commitment. The guys they pick shouldn't be shitbags that just do that. I can't tell my daughters that while I'm doing that to some other woman. That's not okay. I didn't propose to her because I couldn't live without her, I proposed to her because it was the right thing to do. Even when I'm doing the right thing, it's obvious to me that I'm completely broken.
Then, that thing happens last week -my previous post. My kid shows me the text her mom sent her about that cuck giving her a ring and everything changed. I had that weight lift off my shoulders, and I rocked the living shit outta the fiance that night. Literally, she was a quivering heap, saying it was one of the highlights of her life and exactly what she wanted/needed. And it's stayed that way - I'm not stressed out anymore, I don't feel like I can't trust anyone, I feel like I can just be myself, and what happens between 2 consenting adults is fine. What the fuck is that all about? What the fuck just happened? I literally don't know. Has some part of me seriously just been hanging on to the fact that I'm waiting for my ex to come back? It's not my conscious part, I can tell you that. I will never be in the same room with that woman again - too dangerous for me. So I know it's a bad idea, but why the fuck did everything change literally the second I found out she's gonna be with someone else forever? Do I have some subconscious part that was still hanging on to that, and not allowing me to be me with anyone else? And now it's finally like my conscious is telling me subconscious "See, told you, get the fuck over it" and it did? Or is it just PTSD from having a woman I spent literally half my life with stab me in the back and ruin my entire existence, and now I just snapped the fuck out of it?
The best way I can describe it is this - you know how dementia patients in the early stages sometimes say that they have days where they are fully aware they are losing their mind, and other days they're completely gone? It's like that for me this past week. I am looking back at the last 6 years and wondering who the fuck I was. It's like I'm myself again, I'm the person I'm supposed to be. It's like the system glitched out and I'm not an NPC that can only respond to canned dialogue anymore, I'm back as the main character in my own life and I have free will and I can go up and down and left and right and go where I want to go and do what I want to do.
I hope this post makes sense. It's 230am and I've been up since 8, but I felt like I needed to write this shit down before bed. Maybe I delete it later. Maybe someone's got some similar experiences. I don't really know. I do know that I definitely can't talk about my sex life to anyone in real life, so this is all I've got for an outlet for this shit and trying to figure it out.
I got married at 19. We were together for almost 19 years. Our relationship was very solidly built on sex. We had a lot, all the time. Even when we were arguing, even when we were not talking to each other, we had a lot of sex. I'm not saying this to brag or anything, I'm just framing what it was. My kink is that I'm a pleaser. I like doing the work, I like when women are having a good time, I like figuring out what makes them work, and I like doing it to excess. I guess that's probably why we stayed married for as long as we did....hard to hate someone who rocks the shit outta your world.
My marriage ended badly. Very badly. I got pissed when I shouldn't have, I did something that 99 people out of 100 wouldn't give a second thought to, and I ended up spending 4 days in jail for it. In that time, she straight up lied to a DV "advocate" or some shit, and she ended up getting a protection order against me, while I had defensive wounds on me. Enter the worst fucking year of my life. Can't go home, can't talk to the mother of my children, for a while couldn't talk to the children, slept on my sister's couch for 5 months, all while dealing with a massive legal thunderstorm hanging over my head. I filed for divorce because I had no other options. She was devastated. Yes, you read that right - she had an OFP against me, I wasn't allowed to go home, I could not talk to her, I couldn't see my kids, and yet, she didn't want to get divorced. That was about the time my daughter started realizing who the problem was.
I came out of the divorce pretty good. Kept my house, kept my pension, my oldest lived with me, split custody on the youngest. Basically the best I could hope for. Still had to pay off the 100k in credit card debt she ran up behind my back, and buy her out of the house, but small price to pay for the rest of it, I suppose. The criminal shit was settled with a stay of adjudication after I pled to the bullshit charge to keep my kids off the stand, and keep the ugliness out of public record. Probation for one year, do some bullshit classes, and everything goes away. I suppose the bullshit classes are where the story really starts. Anger management classes. I was the only guy in that room who had never laid a hand on his spouse. What a fucked up situation to be in. I was the guy taking the abuse, and here I was, learning to manage my anger.
I'll never forget the main driving theme of that class. You should never let someone have enough control over you to get angry at them. Everything just kept coming back to that point. If they make you angry, just leave. Don't ever care about someone that makes you angry. I even brought it up at one point and said "It honestly really just sounds like you're never supposed to give a shit about anyone, because if you don't give a shit, how are you gonna get angry?" The guy had no argument for it. It's like no one had ever thought of it before. In my world, I really only get pissed about shit I care about. Why would I get pissed about shit I don't care about? What a waste of time. And that was the lesson I took from it. If you don't wanna spend 4 days in jail, don't care about anyone, and then you can just walk away when shit goes sideways and you don't go to jail.
Speaking of which, even though the class of the charge I caught was in the domestic violence branch of laws, it didn't actually include any violence. However, if you're convicted of a 2nd offense of anything in this classification of laws in the next 10 years, it's an automatic throat fucking of biblical proportion as the justice system tries to teach you a fucking lesson for treating your partners like shit. And now with all that backdrop, we finally come to my current relationship.
We've been together for about 6 years I guess, off and on. Basically, she was hounding me, we worked together, I didn't think it was a good idea, she kept hounding me, I eventually relented, then I figured out it was way too soon after my divorce for me to care about anyone, so I broke it off with her as gently as I could, and she just stayed there - just around the proverbial corner. Always just waiting right there, trying to pretend like she was moving on with her life, but very obviously just waiting for me. She will tell you that she just knew we were meant to be together, and she was willing to wait around for me to get there. I dated a few other girls for a year or so. They were all fucking psychos, and when I got tired of that shit, I asked her if she wanted to try again. She was so good at pretending she was playing it cool and not the most excited she's ever been, I almost believed her. She's great. She's good with the kids, she's an awesome cook, she takes care of the house. She is the ultimate cheerleader for me - anything I get stressed out about, she tells me I can handle, and she's gonna help. She gives gives me super thoughtful gifts that have high emotional value. She's fucking awesome, she's everything I wish my first marriage was.
But, here I am - not caring about anything or anyone, so I don't go back to jail. I'm playing the part, but my heart's not in it because it can't be. Furthermore - she likes it rough. She loves to be thrown around and bit and choked and all that stuff. I used to be fine with that, I can do that, the ex liked that too. Except, well, here's the thing - my ex lied about some shit, and I went to jail. And if it happens again, to anyone, I don't get to come home after 4 days with no bail because I'm a model citizen who doesn't even have a parking ticket. So, I can't bring myself to do any of it. How the fuck am I gonna explain marks on this woman's neck or wrists? All I need is one session that gets a little rough, one argument afterwards, and next thing you know I'm back in the county lockup wondering why the fuck I decided to throw my life away because some chick likes to be manhandled.
So the last few years have been really weird for me. It's like I haven't been able to be me. I haven't been able to do the things I enjoy doing. I haven't been able to let my guard down and care about anyone. I basically had to logic my way into giving her a ring. I did it because my daughters need a role model. They need to see that it's not okay to just hang around with a guy forever with no commitment. The guys they pick shouldn't be shitbags that just do that. I can't tell my daughters that while I'm doing that to some other woman. That's not okay. I didn't propose to her because I couldn't live without her, I proposed to her because it was the right thing to do. Even when I'm doing the right thing, it's obvious to me that I'm completely broken.
Then, that thing happens last week -my previous post. My kid shows me the text her mom sent her about that cuck giving her a ring and everything changed. I had that weight lift off my shoulders, and I rocked the living shit outta the fiance that night. Literally, she was a quivering heap, saying it was one of the highlights of her life and exactly what she wanted/needed. And it's stayed that way - I'm not stressed out anymore, I don't feel like I can't trust anyone, I feel like I can just be myself, and what happens between 2 consenting adults is fine. What the fuck is that all about? What the fuck just happened? I literally don't know. Has some part of me seriously just been hanging on to the fact that I'm waiting for my ex to come back? It's not my conscious part, I can tell you that. I will never be in the same room with that woman again - too dangerous for me. So I know it's a bad idea, but why the fuck did everything change literally the second I found out she's gonna be with someone else forever? Do I have some subconscious part that was still hanging on to that, and not allowing me to be me with anyone else? And now it's finally like my conscious is telling me subconscious "See, told you, get the fuck over it" and it did? Or is it just PTSD from having a woman I spent literally half my life with stab me in the back and ruin my entire existence, and now I just snapped the fuck out of it?
The best way I can describe it is this - you know how dementia patients in the early stages sometimes say that they have days where they are fully aware they are losing their mind, and other days they're completely gone? It's like that for me this past week. I am looking back at the last 6 years and wondering who the fuck I was. It's like I'm myself again, I'm the person I'm supposed to be. It's like the system glitched out and I'm not an NPC that can only respond to canned dialogue anymore, I'm back as the main character in my own life and I have free will and I can go up and down and left and right and go where I want to go and do what I want to do.
I hope this post makes sense. It's 230am and I've been up since 8, but I felt like I needed to write this shit down before bed. Maybe I delete it later. Maybe someone's got some similar experiences. I don't really know. I do know that I definitely can't talk about my sex life to anyone in real life, so this is all I've got for an outlet for this shit and trying to figure it out.
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Big Phoenix
Pronouns: zie/zhem/zer
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Closure is a hell of a drug. Probably just you finally processing the fact youre completely beyond her now after seeing that text. Shes a nuclear bomb waiting to go off and ruin someone elses life now, not yours.
Its a real shitty experience. Last woman I was with was abusive and it made me feel like shit not being able to react like I would to anyone else who was abusive in the same way to me.
Youre right about that. Anger is as natural emotion as joy or sadness and to think we shouldnt experience it or process it like any other emotion is naive at best. But obviously in a society with a retarded family court system that we have, yeah its a good idea no to process anger around women. Best to walk away when angered.
Its a real shitty experience. Last woman I was with was abusive and it made me feel like shit not being able to react like I would to anyone else who was abusive in the same way to me.
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moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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Yeah, your ex gave you trauma. Now for whatever reason you're getting over it. Betrayal really is fucking awful, especially when it's from family. I have been dealing with that for a couple years myself.
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BrutulTM
Good, bad, I'm the guy with the gun.
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Consider seeing a therapist. I appreciate the vulnerability of writing all this, but this isn't really a good place to look for advice on life and relationships.
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moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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Advice? Spotty at best. But we are good at commisserating.
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Cutlery
Kill All the White People
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Yeah, this isn't necessarily for advice or anything. But sometimes you just need a place to talk shit thru.
I had a therapist for awhile, she was pretty great, but her appointments fill up super fast, and I figure other people need her more than me. I am still a functional adult that can hold a decent job and manage a household, so my shit ain't that bad
I had a therapist for awhile, she was pretty great, but her appointments fill up super fast, and I figure other people need her more than me. I am still a functional adult that can hold a decent job and manage a household, so my shit ain't that bad
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Cutlery
Kill All the White People
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Ive found out since that ho boy, a lot of women do not fucking like that either. The new gal and I do not fight often, once or twice a year, tops. Probably less than 10 times total. But when I get pissed now, I get up and tell her I'm done discussing this and I walk away. And she fucking HATES that. "No, you don't get to just walk away in the middle of an argument."
Yep, yes I fuckin do, and there's not a damned thing you can do about it. I ain't going down that road again. Go be pissed somewhere else, I'm not engaging in that shit again. Learned my lesson.
Women are like these little emotional thunderstorms. They want to be blowing down houses and uprooting trees. They get bored real fast just being ineffectual against concrete. Actually probably helps the stability of the relationship alot, just refusing to engage in their bullshit. Just unfortunate that men can't ever just be pissed about something.
DickTrickle
Definitely NOT Furor Planedefiler
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So what is it you did? It's a little telling that you make this long post and consciously avoid even coming close to describing it. There's certainly degrees of anger and you can certainly be pissed about something but there's always a reasonable limit.
Izo
Tranny Chaser
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Thanks for sharing, uncle
Cutlery
- You should share more on how you sexually please/hurt women so well you get restraining orders and go to jail in here: The Kink Thread (Semi-NSFW)- 4
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Kill All the White People
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DickTrickle
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Yeah, okay. There's no way this isn't a disingenuous response.
So, you were having an argument that wasn't at all intimidating or threatening and calmly unplugged a phone from the charger/wall and set it down, right?
I'm sure any further response will be totally forthright like this one.
moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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Why the 3rd degree? If he doesn't want to go into that detail it doesn't really change anything.
DickTrickle
Definitely NOT Furor Planedefiler
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If you're not strangling women for sexual pleasure, are you really even alive?
Thanks for sharing, uncle
DickTrickle
Definitely NOT Furor Planedefiler
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It's the grownup forum, not a support subreddit. This is a forum where people comment on shit that interests them.
I've known more than a few dudes, family members actually, who have anger control issues (often while bemoaning how "emotional" women are) and I've heard these kind of retellings before after "incidents" and it just ticks my bullshit meter,. It's great he moved on after six years and is feeling great but doesn't really sound like a guy who's dealt with his anger issues. If he has, wonderful, but then why the BS about what happened?
Cutlery
Kill All the White People
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Here, I'll expand on it.
For about 6 months, the situation was deteriorating with my marriage. She was becoming increasingly more irresponsible and unreasonable and I was trying to preserve a stable household for my kids. She would routine go out to run errands and be gone for 8-10 hours, and not answer calls/texts. Got to the point where I was texting her friends asking if they knew where she was. When she came home, she would say shit like "oh, sorry, I was petting cats at the humane society.' This is actually what came out of her mouth one time. For 8 hours? Who the fuck do you think believes this shit? I fucking don't. This happened on a regular basis.
So, I'm pissed, obviously. Pissed because I'm pretty fucking sure I know what's going on, and also pissed that she's lying to me about it and insulting my intelligence. Arguments became more common, and louder. One day I fuckin had enough and I told her I was leaving, she told me "no you're not" and I heard the drawer in the kitchen open as I was walking down the stairs towards the garage, and I turned around and she was following me down the stairs with a knife. I grabbed her wrist, she ended up cutting my hand in the process, I took the knife out of her hands and just held her wrists and told her to calm the fuck down while she screamed at the top of her lungs. I told her I'd let her go when she calmed down, because I wasn't letting her go just so she could keep fighting me. She got increasingly more agitated, because you can't ever really tell women to calm down with a good effect, and eventually I relented and just let her go, and she went and locked herself in our room for a few hours, crying or some shit or something. That was the point when everything really changed. From that day on, she started saying shit like she was scared of me, because I guess that was the point she figured out that all the movies and TV shows were lying to her and women can't really beat men in a fight. Bear in mind at no point did I hit her or hurt her beyond the point of physically restraining her. I just took the knife from her, and stopped her from hitting me.
Things ebbed and flowed for a few more months and it became obvious that this was absolutely not going to work because she refused to be reasonable about anything. I offered to rent her an apartment out of the household budget so she could get some space and maybe we could save the marriage, but she refused, didn't want that. But also didn't want to do anything around the house, wanted no responsibilities, didn't want to take care of the kids, and just wanted to do whatever she wanted to do whenever she wanted to do it. Eventually it got to the point where I had given up on everything except on paper. I told her I didn't care what she did as long as we maintained the appearance of married for the kids, and as long as we were both on the same page with managing the household financials.
Shortly thereafter it was either a new guy, or the old guy i never knew about, but I at least knew what the fuck was going on and where she was. What do you fucking do? I was making like half of what she was at that point, and for me, making sure my kids didn't have their lives disrupted was more important than anything else. Last thing I wanted to do was pack up and leave and move to some fucking 1 bedroom or some shit and either leave the kids there with her, who was clearly not interested in parenting, or pack them into said one bedroom and have me sleep on the couch. So, judge me for whatever you want at this point, I don't care. I made the choice I made to try to preserve the life my kids were living. Right or wrong, it's what I did.
Somewhere along the way, the roof was leaking down thru the bathroom fan, so I got up on the roof, ripped half the shingles off and replaced some boards up there and then reroofed the shit. In the middle of doing all that, I tore the meniscus so bad in my left knee it was folded over on itself. My daughter was working evenings in basically the "downtown" area of my suburb at that point at a thrift store. My ex of course wanted to go out with the new guy, so I told her "Alright, I'll pick the kiddo up tonight, but you've gotta pick her up tomorrow, because my knee is killing me" "okay."
Well, obviously this never happened. Got a text from the kid at 10:15 saying "hey, are you picking me up?" No, your mom is. "Well, she's not here." Well, alright, fuck, guess I'm picking you up. Got all the way there, picked her up, got all the way home and the kid got a text from her mom saying "Dammit, almost made it." 45 minutes is I guess "Almost made it."
This was the turning point for me. I can handle you treating me like shit. I cannot handle you ignoring your own fucking kids and the responsibilities involved in that. I cannot and will not ever choose anyone or anything over my kids. They're priority number 1, always will be, and to this day they're the reason I do almost everything I do. I was fucking livid. I told her that I don't give a shit what she does, but the second it interferes with the kids, it's over. She should be embarrassed that as a mother she chose literally anything over her kids. From that point on, I told her she was placing kids first and everything else second, or this arrangement was over. Amongst other things, she agreed she would never be out past bar close (2am) so she wasn't doing the walk of shame in front of the kids.
We had more ups and downs for the next few months, but things had kinda settled down and evened out. Then she started having some issues with the girly parts, and we ended up heading down to Mayo for the day so they could figure out what was going on. Ended up being bladder cancer. Spent a long time in the car talking, and I legitimately thought we might be able to make this work. I figured a health scare like this might be what she needed to figure out what's important in her life and we could get over this, patch shit up and maybe make everything work. When we got home, she said she was gonna go see Joe, and I said "well, that's fucking disappointing, but whatever I guess, I'll see you when you get home."
Well, with all the shit we found out that day, I ended up not sleeping much at all, and the hours dragged on. 2am. 3am. 4am. Finally, 5am she walks in the door. I am unbelievably pissed because I can't believe that I just spend all day driving 300 miles and sitting with this bitch in a hospital trying to figure out if she was gonna fucking die or not and this is how she repays me. I asked her "what happened to you being home at bar close?" and her reply was "I changed that rule." My jaw probably hit the floor. I couldn't believe she could possibly say something so fucking dumb and disrespectful. At this point in our relationship, when we would have arguments, she would call her mom for some reason. She would literally sit on the fucking phone with her mom while we're arguing. So, she heads downstairs and grabs the phone (old style, one that plugs into the wall). I said "oh no, not this fucking time, we're sorting this shit out" and I ripped the phone cord out of the wall. She ran upstairs, starts the whole screaming process, I follow her, she starts throwing shit at me, and for a split second, I actually was going to hit her just to stop her from hitting me with shit, raised my hand, then realized what I was about to do and stopped. And then she yells "Call 911!" and I see that my daughter has followed us upstairs, and then runs back downstairs.
At this point I think, "Well, shit. I guess this is happening,' and I'm still in my boxers. I walk over to the bedroom, grab my jeans off the closet door and put them on, then walk out to the living room and my front door opens and 3 cops barge in. My German Shepherd does what German Shepherds do and bolts for the door so the very first thing the cops see when they come in the door is me and my 80lbs dog coming around the corner. I'm still fucking surprised that the dog or I didn't get fucking shot. They threatened it, but I had nothing in my hands, and i was able to get the dog under control pretty quickly. It literally happened just like that, at that time scale. I was super fucking confused.
The cops separate us and talk to us both. They ask her if I hit her, she says no. They ask me, I said yes. I've got all kinds of defensive wounds on my arms from the shit she threw at me. They ask me if I want to press charges, and I said no, because I didn't want the kids to see their mother dragged off to jail. They talk to us both for a bit more and say "Alright, well, there's nothing we've got here, so we're gonna get outta here, but if we have to come back here, one or both of you is going to jail." Alright, crisis averted, I guess we're okay. At this point the Sergeant comes downstairs to me and says "Who called 911?" I told him my daughter did, and he goes "No no no, the first time."
The first time?
It's at that point that the realization hits me that she did not call her mom. She called 911, it connected, I ripped the phone cord out of the wall. Interference with a 911 call is a gross misdemeanor, and is classed as a DV charge, however, it is almost never charged alone. It's usually an addon charge, like the guy is beating the bitch and she tries calling 911 and he chokes her with the phone cord or some shit.
Queue up 4 days in jail, because this was 5am Saturday morning, and they do bail hearings for misdemeanors on Monday, and gross misdemeanors on Tuesday. By the time I got out, some DV counselor had gotten with her and filled out some questionnaire about domestic violence, and that's when she said she was scared of me (Stemming from the incident where she found out she couldn't attack me with a knife for free) and when she got to the question asking "Does he have access to any firearms?" (I did not own any guns at this time, and she knew that) she answered "Well, yeah, he can just go to the store and buy one" and they marked "yes" on that box. Because of that, the motion for the order for protection was granted because she was scared of me and I had access to firearms. That is clearly not the intent of that question and she fucking knew it, but it got her what she wanted, which was me out of the house so she could do whatever she wanted.
I was outta the house for 5 months after that. The kids said she never even turned on the stove in all that time. I took the girls grocery shopping multiple times once I could see them again because there wasn't any food in the house, and she would just disappear for entire days. (longer story, but basically we got the court to agree to decide custody in divorce court and to not decide it at the OFP hearing, primarily because of her neglect). She stopped working because of "trauma as a result of her DV incident" and her work denied her disability claims, maybe because they actually read the police report, who knows.
My lawyer was actually pretty pissed. I had pictures of the house, my oldest knew exactly what was going on and was willing to testify for me at trial. My lawyer just couldn't get over how bold she was that I was taking care of the kids while she was out fucking around and I was the one who caught a charge out of all of this. He wanted to go to trial, because he could put her up on the stand and just rip her up one side and down the other with all of this shit. We could put me on the stand or we didn't have to, but he could basically make her look like the human garbage she is to a jury, and he was absolutely positive that I would walk away.
When the time came, I decided I wasn't gonna put my daughter thru that, so I plead guilty. Lawyer was super disappointed again. I remember him telling me "Dude, this is never how it goes. Normally it's the lawyer saying 'Eh, I'm thinking we gotta see what we can get out of a plea deal here because this looks pretty bad,' and it's the client saying 'No man, we gotta fight this bullshit!' and this time it's the complete opposite." I owe that guy a lot. He was a fantastic lawyer and exactly what I needed at that point in my life. If you're even in that situation, get a fucking lawyer. Don't cheap out either. The 6k or some shit I ended up paying that guy to navigate the OFP and the criminal charge was well worth it. You are not in the right headspace to be making decisions regarding your future. The entire reason I came out of that with no criminal record and I can buy guns today is because I shut my fucking mouth and let him handle it.
So, there you go. That's the story.
For about 6 months, the situation was deteriorating with my marriage. She was becoming increasingly more irresponsible and unreasonable and I was trying to preserve a stable household for my kids. She would routine go out to run errands and be gone for 8-10 hours, and not answer calls/texts. Got to the point where I was texting her friends asking if they knew where she was. When she came home, she would say shit like "oh, sorry, I was petting cats at the humane society.' This is actually what came out of her mouth one time. For 8 hours? Who the fuck do you think believes this shit? I fucking don't. This happened on a regular basis.
So, I'm pissed, obviously. Pissed because I'm pretty fucking sure I know what's going on, and also pissed that she's lying to me about it and insulting my intelligence. Arguments became more common, and louder. One day I fuckin had enough and I told her I was leaving, she told me "no you're not" and I heard the drawer in the kitchen open as I was walking down the stairs towards the garage, and I turned around and she was following me down the stairs with a knife. I grabbed her wrist, she ended up cutting my hand in the process, I took the knife out of her hands and just held her wrists and told her to calm the fuck down while she screamed at the top of her lungs. I told her I'd let her go when she calmed down, because I wasn't letting her go just so she could keep fighting me. She got increasingly more agitated, because you can't ever really tell women to calm down with a good effect, and eventually I relented and just let her go, and she went and locked herself in our room for a few hours, crying or some shit or something. That was the point when everything really changed. From that day on, she started saying shit like she was scared of me, because I guess that was the point she figured out that all the movies and TV shows were lying to her and women can't really beat men in a fight. Bear in mind at no point did I hit her or hurt her beyond the point of physically restraining her. I just took the knife from her, and stopped her from hitting me.
Things ebbed and flowed for a few more months and it became obvious that this was absolutely not going to work because she refused to be reasonable about anything. I offered to rent her an apartment out of the household budget so she could get some space and maybe we could save the marriage, but she refused, didn't want that. But also didn't want to do anything around the house, wanted no responsibilities, didn't want to take care of the kids, and just wanted to do whatever she wanted to do whenever she wanted to do it. Eventually it got to the point where I had given up on everything except on paper. I told her I didn't care what she did as long as we maintained the appearance of married for the kids, and as long as we were both on the same page with managing the household financials.
Shortly thereafter it was either a new guy, or the old guy i never knew about, but I at least knew what the fuck was going on and where she was. What do you fucking do? I was making like half of what she was at that point, and for me, making sure my kids didn't have their lives disrupted was more important than anything else. Last thing I wanted to do was pack up and leave and move to some fucking 1 bedroom or some shit and either leave the kids there with her, who was clearly not interested in parenting, or pack them into said one bedroom and have me sleep on the couch. So, judge me for whatever you want at this point, I don't care. I made the choice I made to try to preserve the life my kids were living. Right or wrong, it's what I did.
Somewhere along the way, the roof was leaking down thru the bathroom fan, so I got up on the roof, ripped half the shingles off and replaced some boards up there and then reroofed the shit. In the middle of doing all that, I tore the meniscus so bad in my left knee it was folded over on itself. My daughter was working evenings in basically the "downtown" area of my suburb at that point at a thrift store. My ex of course wanted to go out with the new guy, so I told her "Alright, I'll pick the kiddo up tonight, but you've gotta pick her up tomorrow, because my knee is killing me" "okay."
Well, obviously this never happened. Got a text from the kid at 10:15 saying "hey, are you picking me up?" No, your mom is. "Well, she's not here." Well, alright, fuck, guess I'm picking you up. Got all the way there, picked her up, got all the way home and the kid got a text from her mom saying "Dammit, almost made it." 45 minutes is I guess "Almost made it."
This was the turning point for me. I can handle you treating me like shit. I cannot handle you ignoring your own fucking kids and the responsibilities involved in that. I cannot and will not ever choose anyone or anything over my kids. They're priority number 1, always will be, and to this day they're the reason I do almost everything I do. I was fucking livid. I told her that I don't give a shit what she does, but the second it interferes with the kids, it's over. She should be embarrassed that as a mother she chose literally anything over her kids. From that point on, I told her she was placing kids first and everything else second, or this arrangement was over. Amongst other things, she agreed she would never be out past bar close (2am) so she wasn't doing the walk of shame in front of the kids.
We had more ups and downs for the next few months, but things had kinda settled down and evened out. Then she started having some issues with the girly parts, and we ended up heading down to Mayo for the day so they could figure out what was going on. Ended up being bladder cancer. Spent a long time in the car talking, and I legitimately thought we might be able to make this work. I figured a health scare like this might be what she needed to figure out what's important in her life and we could get over this, patch shit up and maybe make everything work. When we got home, she said she was gonna go see Joe, and I said "well, that's fucking disappointing, but whatever I guess, I'll see you when you get home."
Well, with all the shit we found out that day, I ended up not sleeping much at all, and the hours dragged on. 2am. 3am. 4am. Finally, 5am she walks in the door. I am unbelievably pissed because I can't believe that I just spend all day driving 300 miles and sitting with this bitch in a hospital trying to figure out if she was gonna fucking die or not and this is how she repays me. I asked her "what happened to you being home at bar close?" and her reply was "I changed that rule." My jaw probably hit the floor. I couldn't believe she could possibly say something so fucking dumb and disrespectful. At this point in our relationship, when we would have arguments, she would call her mom for some reason. She would literally sit on the fucking phone with her mom while we're arguing. So, she heads downstairs and grabs the phone (old style, one that plugs into the wall). I said "oh no, not this fucking time, we're sorting this shit out" and I ripped the phone cord out of the wall. She ran upstairs, starts the whole screaming process, I follow her, she starts throwing shit at me, and for a split second, I actually was going to hit her just to stop her from hitting me with shit, raised my hand, then realized what I was about to do and stopped. And then she yells "Call 911!" and I see that my daughter has followed us upstairs, and then runs back downstairs.
At this point I think, "Well, shit. I guess this is happening,' and I'm still in my boxers. I walk over to the bedroom, grab my jeans off the closet door and put them on, then walk out to the living room and my front door opens and 3 cops barge in. My German Shepherd does what German Shepherds do and bolts for the door so the very first thing the cops see when they come in the door is me and my 80lbs dog coming around the corner. I'm still fucking surprised that the dog or I didn't get fucking shot. They threatened it, but I had nothing in my hands, and i was able to get the dog under control pretty quickly. It literally happened just like that, at that time scale. I was super fucking confused.
The cops separate us and talk to us both. They ask her if I hit her, she says no. They ask me, I said yes. I've got all kinds of defensive wounds on my arms from the shit she threw at me. They ask me if I want to press charges, and I said no, because I didn't want the kids to see their mother dragged off to jail. They talk to us both for a bit more and say "Alright, well, there's nothing we've got here, so we're gonna get outta here, but if we have to come back here, one or both of you is going to jail." Alright, crisis averted, I guess we're okay. At this point the Sergeant comes downstairs to me and says "Who called 911?" I told him my daughter did, and he goes "No no no, the first time."
The first time?
It's at that point that the realization hits me that she did not call her mom. She called 911, it connected, I ripped the phone cord out of the wall. Interference with a 911 call is a gross misdemeanor, and is classed as a DV charge, however, it is almost never charged alone. It's usually an addon charge, like the guy is beating the bitch and she tries calling 911 and he chokes her with the phone cord or some shit.
Queue up 4 days in jail, because this was 5am Saturday morning, and they do bail hearings for misdemeanors on Monday, and gross misdemeanors on Tuesday. By the time I got out, some DV counselor had gotten with her and filled out some questionnaire about domestic violence, and that's when she said she was scared of me (Stemming from the incident where she found out she couldn't attack me with a knife for free) and when she got to the question asking "Does he have access to any firearms?" (I did not own any guns at this time, and she knew that) she answered "Well, yeah, he can just go to the store and buy one" and they marked "yes" on that box. Because of that, the motion for the order for protection was granted because she was scared of me and I had access to firearms. That is clearly not the intent of that question and she fucking knew it, but it got her what she wanted, which was me out of the house so she could do whatever she wanted.
I was outta the house for 5 months after that. The kids said she never even turned on the stove in all that time. I took the girls grocery shopping multiple times once I could see them again because there wasn't any food in the house, and she would just disappear for entire days. (longer story, but basically we got the court to agree to decide custody in divorce court and to not decide it at the OFP hearing, primarily because of her neglect). She stopped working because of "trauma as a result of her DV incident" and her work denied her disability claims, maybe because they actually read the police report, who knows.
My lawyer was actually pretty pissed. I had pictures of the house, my oldest knew exactly what was going on and was willing to testify for me at trial. My lawyer just couldn't get over how bold she was that I was taking care of the kids while she was out fucking around and I was the one who caught a charge out of all of this. He wanted to go to trial, because he could put her up on the stand and just rip her up one side and down the other with all of this shit. We could put me on the stand or we didn't have to, but he could basically make her look like the human garbage she is to a jury, and he was absolutely positive that I would walk away.
When the time came, I decided I wasn't gonna put my daughter thru that, so I plead guilty. Lawyer was super disappointed again. I remember him telling me "Dude, this is never how it goes. Normally it's the lawyer saying 'Eh, I'm thinking we gotta see what we can get out of a plea deal here because this looks pretty bad,' and it's the client saying 'No man, we gotta fight this bullshit!' and this time it's the complete opposite." I owe that guy a lot. He was a fantastic lawyer and exactly what I needed at that point in my life. If you're even in that situation, get a fucking lawyer. Don't cheap out either. The 6k or some shit I ended up paying that guy to navigate the OFP and the criminal charge was well worth it. You are not in the right headspace to be making decisions regarding your future. The entire reason I came out of that with no criminal record and I can buy guns today is because I shut my fucking mouth and let him handle it.
So, there you go. That's the story.
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DickTrickle
Definitely NOT Furor Planedefiler
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Cutlery
Kill All the White People
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For the record, I agree with you. People are generally not forthcoming with shit, and tend to frame stories in ways that make them look better.
Did I get pissed? Yeah, no doubt. Did I yell a lot? Yes, because I couldn't believe how brazen she was and the bullshit she tried to pull with me.
Did I hit her, or hurt her in any way? No. Never. Quite the opposite.
Also, for clarification - I don't get anything out of choking women during sex, but a lot of them apparently do. And once you're in jail, it really makes you reevaluate whether it's a good look to be a 6'3" dude who's hands fit perfectly on some bruises on some chick's neck.
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DickTrickle
Definitely NOT Furor Planedefiler
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Honestly man, after reading your full story, my bullshit meter went down a lot. I'm been pretty blessed with sane women in my life and cursed with angry/violent guys so I was surely a bit biased. People can get pretty awful when they check out of a relationship. The circumstances with the 911 call is some really unlucky shit.
Thanks for sharing.
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