I don't really have anyone to talk to about this shit, and I don't really know how to process this, so I'm just gonna write this down here and maybe someone's got some insight into this.
I got married at 19. We were together for almost 19 years. Our relationship was very solidly built on sex. We had a lot, all the time. Even when we were arguing, even when we were not talking to each other, we had a lot of sex. I'm not saying this to brag or anything, I'm just framing what it was. My kink is that I'm a pleaser. I like doing the work, I like when women are having a good time, I like figuring out what makes them work, and I like doing it to excess. I guess that's probably why we stayed married for as long as we did....hard to hate someone who rocks the shit outta your world.
My marriage ended badly. Very badly. I got pissed when I shouldn't have, I did something that 99 people out of 100 wouldn't give a second thought to, and I ended up spending 4 days in jail for it. In that time, she straight up lied to a DV "advocate" or some shit, and she ended up getting a protection order against me, while I had defensive wounds on me. Enter the worst fucking year of my life. Can't go home, can't talk to the mother of my children, for a while couldn't talk to the children, slept on my sister's couch for 5 months, all while dealing with a massive legal thunderstorm hanging over my head. I filed for divorce because I had no other options. She was devastated. Yes, you read that right - she had an OFP against me, I wasn't allowed to go home, I could not talk to her, I couldn't see my kids, and yet, she didn't want to get divorced. That was about the time my daughter started realizing who the problem was.
I came out of the divorce pretty good. Kept my house, kept my pension, my oldest lived with me, split custody on the youngest. Basically the best I could hope for. Still had to pay off the 100k in credit card debt she ran up behind my back, and buy her out of the house, but small price to pay for the rest of it, I suppose. The criminal shit was settled with a stay of adjudication after I pled to the bullshit charge to keep my kids off the stand, and keep the ugliness out of public record. Probation for one year, do some bullshit classes, and everything goes away. I suppose the bullshit classes are where the story really starts. Anger management classes. I was the only guy in that room who had never laid a hand on his spouse. What a fucked up situation to be in. I was the guy taking the abuse, and here I was, learning to manage my anger.
I'll never forget the main driving theme of that class. You should never let someone have enough control over you to get angry at them. Everything just kept coming back to that point. If they make you angry, just leave. Don't ever care about someone that makes you angry. I even brought it up at one point and said "It honestly really just sounds like you're never supposed to give a shit about anyone, because if you don't give a shit, how are you gonna get angry?" The guy had no argument for it. It's like no one had ever thought of it before. In my world, I really only get pissed about shit I care about. Why would I get pissed about shit I don't care about? What a waste of time. And that was the lesson I took from it. If you don't wanna spend 4 days in jail, don't care about anyone, and then you can just walk away when shit goes sideways and you don't go to jail.
Speaking of which, even though the class of the charge I caught was in the domestic violence branch of laws, it didn't actually include any violence. However, if you're convicted of a 2nd offense of anything in this classification of laws in the next 10 years, it's an automatic throat fucking of biblical proportion as the justice system tries to teach you a fucking lesson for treating your partners like shit. And now with all that backdrop, we finally come to my current relationship.
We've been together for about 6 years I guess, off and on. Basically, she was hounding me, we worked together, I didn't think it was a good idea, she kept hounding me, I eventually relented, then I figured out it was way too soon after my divorce for me to care about anyone, so I broke it off with her as gently as I could, and she just stayed there - just around the proverbial corner. Always just waiting right there, trying to pretend like she was moving on with her life, but very obviously just waiting for me. She will tell you that she just knew we were meant to be together, and she was willing to wait around for me to get there. I dated a few other girls for a year or so. They were all fucking psychos, and when I got tired of that shit, I asked her if she wanted to try again. She was so good at pretending she was playing it cool and not the most excited she's ever been, I almost believed her. She's great. She's good with the kids, she's an awesome cook, she takes care of the house. She is the ultimate cheerleader for me - anything I get stressed out about, she tells me I can handle, and she's gonna help. She gives gives me super thoughtful gifts that have high emotional value. She's fucking awesome, she's everything I wish my first marriage was.
But, here I am - not caring about anything or anyone, so I don't go back to jail. I'm playing the part, but my heart's not in it because it can't be. Furthermore - she likes it rough. She loves to be thrown around and bit and choked and all that stuff. I used to be fine with that, I can do that, the ex liked that too. Except, well, here's the thing - my ex lied about some shit, and I went to jail. And if it happens again, to anyone, I don't get to come home after 4 days with no bail because I'm a model citizen who doesn't even have a parking ticket. So, I can't bring myself to do any of it. How the fuck am I gonna explain marks on this woman's neck or wrists? All I need is one session that gets a little rough, one argument afterwards, and next thing you know I'm back in the county lockup wondering why the fuck I decided to throw my life away because some chick likes to be manhandled.
So the last few years have been really weird for me. It's like I haven't been able to be me. I haven't been able to do the things I enjoy doing. I haven't been able to let my guard down and care about anyone. I basically had to logic my way into giving her a ring. I did it because my daughters need a role model. They need to see that it's not okay to just hang around with a guy forever with no commitment. The guys they pick shouldn't be shitbags that just do that. I can't tell my daughters that while I'm doing that to some other woman. That's not okay. I didn't propose to her because I couldn't live without her, I proposed to her because it was the right thing to do. Even when I'm doing the right thing, it's obvious to me that I'm completely broken.
Then, that thing happens last week -my previous post. My kid shows me the text her mom sent her about that cuck giving her a ring and everything changed. I had that weight lift off my shoulders, and I rocked the living shit outta the fiance that night. Literally, she was a quivering heap, saying it was one of the highlights of her life and exactly what she wanted/needed. And it's stayed that way - I'm not stressed out anymore, I don't feel like I can't trust anyone, I feel like I can just be myself, and what happens between 2 consenting adults is fine. What the fuck is that all about? What the fuck just happened? I literally don't know. Has some part of me seriously just been hanging on to the fact that I'm waiting for my ex to come back? It's not my conscious part, I can tell you that. I will never be in the same room with that woman again - too dangerous for me. So I know it's a bad idea, but why the fuck did everything change literally the second I found out she's gonna be with someone else forever? Do I have some subconscious part that was still hanging on to that, and not allowing me to be me with anyone else? And now it's finally like my conscious is telling me subconscious "See, told you, get the fuck over it" and it did? Or is it just PTSD from having a woman I spent literally half my life with stab me in the back and ruin my entire existence, and now I just snapped the fuck out of it?
The best way I can describe it is this - you know how dementia patients in the early stages sometimes say that they have days where they are fully aware they are losing their mind, and other days they're completely gone? It's like that for me this past week. I am looking back at the last 6 years and wondering who the fuck I was. It's like I'm myself again, I'm the person I'm supposed to be. It's like the system glitched out and I'm not an NPC that can only respond to canned dialogue anymore, I'm back as the main character in my own life and I have free will and I can go up and down and left and right and go where I want to go and do what I want to do.
I hope this post makes sense. It's 230am and I've been up since 8, but I felt like I needed to write this shit down before bed. Maybe I delete it later. Maybe someone's got some similar experiences. I don't really know. I do know that I definitely can't talk about my sex life to anyone in real life, so this is all I've got for an outlet for this shit and trying to figure it out.
