Marriage and the Power of Divorce

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ronne

ronne

Nǐ hǎo, yǒu jīn zi ma?
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Koushirou said:
Have to wonder now if I do meet someone someday if he does have kids, what would I do. I’ve never wanted them and probably certainly wouldn’t want to deal with someone else’s. Guessing that’s probably just going to be a deal breaker. Also wonder how much I’m going to be passed up because I don’t want/can’t have kids. Was lucky enough to find someone else who didn’t want them once, but I’m not sure how many guys are okay with that in general.
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Previous girlfriend and I both had agreed we weren't really looking for kids when we started. I was 34 and she was 36 at the time and we were both so embroiled in our careers that it didn't even really seem like an option at the time, and that was fine for our entire stretch really.

There's enough to do in life these days without them, but I'd be lying if I said i didn't think about it more as I got older - that I was missing out or something.
 
Cutlery

Cutlery

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Koushirou said:
Have to wonder now if I do meet someone someday if he does have kids, what would I do. I’ve never wanted them and probably certainly wouldn’t want to deal with someone else’s. Guessing that’s probably just going to be a deal breaker. Also wonder how much I’m going to be passed up because I don’t want/can’t have kids. Was lucky enough to find someone else who didn’t want them once, but I’m not sure how many guys are okay with that in general.
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It was a requirement for me that they not have kids. Not raising someone else's fuck ups.

I had no problem finding women who were up for that. Nowadays, you are at the age where you could be dating guys like me - my kids are grown and I'm done. They don't even think of my fiance as "step mom" because she's not. She's just my new wife.
 
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Cutlery

Cutlery

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ronne said:
There's enough to do in life these days without them, but I'd be lying if I said i didn't think about it more as I got older - that I was missing out or something.
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Thats why there's a 10 year gap in my kids.

The exact conversation was a ong the lines of "I can't see a future where I'd regret having another kid. But I can see a future where I'd regret not having another kid."
 
Foler

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Koushirou said:
Have to wonder now if I do meet someone someday if he does have kids, what would I do. I’ve never wanted them and probably certainly wouldn’t want to deal with someone else’s. Guessing that’s probably just going to be a deal breaker. Also wonder how much I’m going to be passed up because I don’t want/can’t have kids. Was lucky enough to find someone else who didn’t want them once, but I’m not sure how many guys are okay with that in general.
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ronne said:
Yea I'm not actually sure I could do it either.

I've thought about it a lot recently and I don't have any kids of my own, so maybe that would make it easier? Assuming I found a single mom that wasn't there because of her own shitty life choices, but even then I'd be worried it'd gnaw at the back of my mind forever that the kid isn't actually mine.
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You two should meet.
 
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Cad

Cad

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Koushirou said:
Have to wonder now if I do meet someone someday if he does have kids, what would I do. I’ve never wanted them and probably certainly wouldn’t want to deal with someone else’s. Guessing that’s probably just going to be a deal breaker. Also wonder how much I’m going to be passed up because I don’t want/can’t have kids. Was lucky enough to find someone else who didn’t want them once, but I’m not sure how many guys are okay with that in general.
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Most of the mid-40's guys I know if they don't have kids already (many do not) they don't want them, either. And a lady who doesn't want and doesn't have kids would be a unicorn to them. I'd look at the bright side of it.
 
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Noodleface

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Phazael said:
I think you used to vent here about stuff a lot and people took you more seriously than you intended. There were a solid three months of venting about craft clutter in the house, as I recall.
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Ah yeah. I used to just vent here but people took it as nuclear code red shit whenever I posted anything so I stopped.
 
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moonarchia

moonarchia

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Koushirou said:
Have to wonder now if I do meet someone someday if he does have kids, what would I do. I’ve never wanted them and probably certainly wouldn’t want to deal with someone else’s. Guessing that’s probably just going to be a deal breaker. Also wonder how much I’m going to be passed up because I don’t want/can’t have kids. Was lucky enough to find someone else who didn’t want them once, but I’m not sure how many guys are okay with that in general.
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One cat is OK, good even. Two cats is acceptable. Three cats is getting weird. Any more and you are officially a cat lady.
 
Chanur

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Koushirou said:
Have to wonder now if I do meet someone someday if he does have kids, what would I do. I’ve never wanted them and probably certainly wouldn’t want to deal with someone else’s. Guessing that’s probably just going to be a deal breaker. Also wonder how much I’m going to be passed up because I don’t want/can’t have kids. Was lucky enough to find someone else who didn’t want them once, but I’m not sure how many guys are okay with that in general.
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There are a lot of men who won't date a single mother. Not having kids is honestly a plus dating wise. As for not ever having any, it's somewhat popular in this day and age. I think you will be okay.
 
Phazael

Phazael

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Koushirou said:
Have to wonder now if I do meet someone someday if he does have kids, what would I do. I’ve never wanted them and probably certainly wouldn’t want to deal with someone else’s. Guessing that’s probably just going to be a deal breaker. Also wonder how much I’m going to be passed up because I don’t want/can’t have kids. Was lucky enough to find someone else who didn’t want them once, but I’m not sure how many guys are okay with that in general.
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Back before I got settled down it used to be the prevailing thought that this was a potential red flag because a lot of women go baby crazy around 30 or so, especially if their friends have kids. Its literally what causes women to be come cat ladies. I think the social aspect of that has changed because of the state of dating and the world in general, as others have pointed out. One of the few perks of living in a dystopia I guess.
 
Fucker

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ronne said:
Yea I'm not actually sure I could do it either.

I've thought about it a lot recently and I don't have any kids of my own, so maybe that would make it easier? Assuming I found a single mom that wasn't there because of her own shitty life choices, but even then I'd be worried it'd gnaw at the back of my mind forever that the kid isn't actually mine.
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Depends on the age of the kid. 40ish woman would likely have late teen kid who might have one foot out the door. That could work.

Young kids? Fuck that. You'll always be dead last on the list of her priorities AND get no say in how her kids are raised in YOUR house AND you get to pay for them in various ways. Don't form an emotional bond with them, because in a divorce they are gone forever. Oh, guess what, you could also be on the hook for child support on those kids you will never see again and who don't give two shits about you. I know someone who went through this over a decade ago, and he's still really crusty about it.
 
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Hoss

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My family has always been adopters as long as I can remember. I have to actually think about it to remember who's adopted, who's a half sibling, and who's full blooded at a family gathering. They are treated no different and It basically only comes up when it happens and if the old folks are talking about medical problems.

It doesn't seem difficult to me. You make a promise when you adopt them and you keep it.
 
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Lambourne

Lambourne

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Koushirou said:
Have to wonder now if I do meet someone someday if he does have kids, what would I do. I’ve never wanted them and probably certainly wouldn’t want to deal with someone else’s. Guessing that’s probably just going to be a deal breaker. Also wonder how much I’m going to be passed up because I don’t want/can’t have kids. Was lucky enough to find someone else who didn’t want them once, but I’m not sure how many guys are okay with that in general.
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You definitely are going to be "passed up" by guys that want kids but I'd reframe that as "not a match for what I want in life" to take the negative sound off it. Nothing wrong about selecting for things that are going to impact your life in a major way. I don't like dogs, I don't want a dog in my house so any dating profile where the woman has a dog pic is an instant abort for me. Doesn't mean I think less of them, just not a match for what I want in my life.

You'll never find perfection so compromise here and there may be necessary but whether or not you want kids is about the last thing to compromise on.
 
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TomServo

TomServo

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TJT said:
Most people shouldn't have dogs and don't train them for shit.
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conversely more dogs should be destroyed when they exhibit bad behavior people aren't gonna train them and most dogs cant be trained out of bad behavior.
 
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Springbok

Springbok

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Gurgeh said:
Same here, had 3 kids between 36 and 42 and I'm now 44. I can clearly make a lot more money now than at 30, and I do, same for the wife. But having 3 young kids do take a lot of time and energy. So, even from a money point of view, it’s a losing strategy imo. I wish I had them 10 year earliers. It makes a lot more sense. Even from a career perspective. And if my third kid, the only male, has his kids at the same age as me.. put quite the pressure to stay healthy to get to know the grand kids.

My wife is bit younger than me, and my eldest daughter was able to meet and with 2 of her great grand fathers. One of those had a great great grandson before he died. I'm a bit jealous, considering that some of us, many of our generation in fact, will not even know their grandkids...

We, and especialy the women, were sold lies in our 20’s and it sucks.
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I feel this, hard. Had 3 kids as well between the exact same years and I do make a lot of money, enough that my wife doesn't have to and probably never will have to work again (because we waited for kids?), but my only regret in life is not having them earlier. My wife and I met in our late 20's and should have started right then. More time with them >>>> possible increased $/security/whatever else. It's interesting though that where I live, I see tons of young couples at mass pregnant, at Whole foods pregnant, etc. Seems like that career first bullshit is turning, at least in these parts.
 
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