Its not really a tough diagnosis. Stay at home mom is a time consuming but easy as hell job for anyone who isn't a lazy dependent ass. There is a 99% chance that a person who can't deal with a job like that is your run of the mill lazy who has learned through the years that if you cry and claim things are too hard, no matter how manageable the task might actually be, someone will come along and tell you its not your fault and do it for you. This is the type of person that our ever growing dependent society is geared to produce with its participation trophies and B+ averages for kids who can't read or add. Or I suppose there is the 1% chance that she is one of the few people with a real problem, so damn us for assuming!
Marriage and the Power of Divorce
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Guest, it's time once again for the massively important and exciting FoH Asshat Tournament!
Go here and give us your nominations!Who's been the biggest Asshat in the last year? Give us your worst ones!
I don't think you guys are doing Chaos any favors by being gung-ho about his situation having only heard it from one source. Leave it to the professionals.
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Have you forgotten that she's on anti-depressants and has decreased libido and still has panic attacks? Or that she has a medical issue that will likely require a hysterectomy in the near future? Empathize with chaos, his situation does suck, but his wife has a host of very serious issues. This story is nowhere near complete.
And don't mistake this as some implication that chaos should reveal more. He's be more forthcoming about his problems than I would be. Make some suggestions for improvement, but let's not demonize his wife.
And don't mistake this as some implication that chaos should reveal more. He's be more forthcoming about his problems than I would be. Make some suggestions for improvement, but let's not demonize his wife.
chaos
Buzzfeed Editor
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That isn't true, though. Being a stay at home mom is a lot of work and it is difficult, assuming you don't just park the kids in front of Nick Jr all day. Actually engaging them and dealing with their personalities and doing shit around the house, it is hard. And I understand that. I don't agree that it is as stressful as what I have to deal with, but she has other medical issues as well. And I don't think she is making it up or whatever, I don't think she would do that. And really, it isn't a contest about who has more stress. I don't care, not really, it just sometimes bothers me when I have had a hard day.
Before we had our first kid, she was one of the hardest working people I knew. She worked in restaurants her whole life because her mom managed a few, so she busted her ass working 10 hour shifts. I think that was one of the first things that really depressed her was going from that to being a stay at home mom because we couldn't afford child care. At one point, this was a little over a year ago, she had found a job and was so excited and then I had to tell her that she couldn't take it because it would have financially ruined us because child care would have been way, way more than she made. I know that didn't help matters.
Haast
Lord Nagafen Raider
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Communication can be hard, especially if the two of you are (possibly unintentionally) doing things that make it hard for the other to talk about their problems. This is where a counselor could help assuming, as others said, you both actually want to work on things and fix them. If nothing else, it should put the issues on the table.
You have to be prepared for the worst, though. It may be that she has checked out and is basically hanging around because of the kids and the relatively comfortable life. Then you have some hard decisions to make.
Haast
Lord Nagafen Raider
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There does sound like there is room for compromise here. It may be that it's hard on her, as someone who enjoyed working hard, to see you furthering your career and education while she entertains children all day.
Best of luck, I hope you are able to get things to a better place.
Cad
scientia potentia est
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There's no guarantee you'd lose your kids, especially if mentally she is as bad off as she seems.
Remember the two rules: Judges are more likely to give children to mothers, because mothers are typically the ones that actually take care of the kids. If you want to get custody, you need to turn that on its head.
If you want to set things up so you have the best chance of getting your kids in a divorce, here's what you need to do:
1> Get her back to work. You can't have her at home taking care of the kids all day, and then claim you'd be a more fit parent. Get her back to work and get the kids in day care, hire a nanny, etc.
2> Do most of the kids activities yourself. Tell her that you're just trying to reduce her stress level and help her out, etc.. but take the kids to school, take off work in the afternoon to pick them up from school, go to the t-ball games, take them to the pool, etc... and anytime you do this, tell her she can stay home and rest, because she had a hard day at work and needs to unwind. You'll take care of it.
3> Keep this up for a while until you've got her more or less disengaged, and do it nice-guy style. Don't be obviously muscling her out. But once you've got it set up where you do everything with the kids and she works some shit job and does jack shit, you're ready.
Then when and if you decide to divorce, things will be set up for you to get custody.
I know you didn't ask so I'm not telling you to do this, but since you said you would lose your kids in a breakup, I wanted to tell you thats not exactly the case.
Tuco
I got Tuco'd!
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Yeah I agree with this. No offense to chaos but we really can't assume a lot based on just a few words he wrote.
Cad
scientia potentia est
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And choas, medical problems are medical problems but a lot of people use somatic complaints of anxiety and pain and depression to mask unhappiness (here's where Deathwing will jump in and say we're all assholes) in general. She may or may not know how to deal with her life as a mom, she may feel trapped or unhappy that her life has been taken over by you and the kids, and that its not her own anymore. If you say most of the problems started when the kids were born, and then she flipped when you had to explain she can't go back to work (even though that financial reality should be obvious it sounds like?) she's clearly grasping at her happiness and might be willing to sacrifice you to get it.
If you really want her to be happy, you might have to give her what she wants (life outside the house) even if it does financially ruin you. Give it a try for a few months and see where it gets you. She can always quit and go back home. But see what effect it has on her and go from there.
If you really want her to be happy, you might have to give her what she wants (life outside the house) even if it does financially ruin you. Give it a try for a few months and see where it gets you. She can always quit and go back home. But see what effect it has on her and go from there.
chaos
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Yeah, I fully realize I view this whole thing from my point of view only, and I have a lot of flaws too. The one I am most aware of is that I don't communicate with her enough.
Falstaff
Ahn'Qiraj Raider
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Hasn't this thread taught you anything? All women are the same and basically inherently crazy anyways so what's the problem?
chaos
Buzzfeed Editor
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We're actually doing this. In the fall my oldest starts kindergarten and we have made arrangements to pay and put the other two in preschool, so they will all be out of the house. We're not sure what she is going to do yet exactly. She's been doing this crafting thing and wants to see where she can take it. I wanted her to get something out of the house because as you mentioned, I want her to have something outside the house. But whatever works is fine with me.
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Why would I have any problem with this post? Huge difference between "it could be this, it could be that, here's how you might tackle these problems", which is what you wrote, and "it's definitely this! your wife's a bitch!", which is what some other people wrote.
BTW, why single me out? Ancient, Tuco, and chaos himself all essentially agreed with me.
Cad
scientia potentia est
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Well don't minimize it either just because you love her. Sounds like she has some serious issues. You need to figure out if those issues are something you can deal with, or something you can't.
Noodleface
A Mod Real Quick
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This is basically the entire basis of this entire thread. Men bitching about women and Lindsey talking about giving her husband blowjobs and puppies while on her period.
Yesterday I took a step back and decided I should probably calm my posting here. Rather than internalize everything, I'll try to make it better. Surprised my wife with a trip to a zoo (she loves animals) and bought her some books (those gay Divergent series books). Was a good day and we had fun.
Cad
scientia potentia est
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The way the guys here are responding is probably more honest than what your guy friends would tell you if you gave them the same information. The fact that a lot of us tend to skew what we share and only share the stuff that makes us look good is part of the problem of listening to advice from others in general, and nothing specific to this forum or thread. Take anything you read here with a huge grain of salt, obviously.
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Of course, I just feel some of the more stereotyping and judgmental responses are less than helpful.
You can do both, btw. Do you feel that posting here and fixing your problem are mutually exclusive? If so, see my above sentence.
Noodleface
A Mod Real Quick
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Sort of. It's like if I went out with my bros every night and they kept telling me how much of a bitch my wife was. I'd go home mad that my wife was a bitch!
If you don't take the advice in this thread with a grain of salt the size of a boulder you're just as insane as the woman you're bitching about