Marriage and the Power of Divorce

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Swagdaddy

Swagdaddy

There is a war going on over control of your mind
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Is it a bad sign when you realize that you just don't care about your spouses bullshit anymore?

I mean her negative attributes that I used to tolerate but just am exhausted of dealing with, lack of motivation and depressive attitude.

I used to try and convince her to try new things and get more going on in her life (She's a stay at home mom by choice for the past few years) but now I'm just at the point where I don't care about trying to help her and am now just finding myself either annoyed or passive when I see her in depressive funks and shit.

She's super nice to me but I fear I may be outgrowing the relationship and would rather just be alone then carry the weight of propping up another person consistently, as I'm getting older and having more commitments and responsibilities (Mostly job related) I just don't have the energy to do it any more.

I also have a hard time relating to it as if there's nothing "bad" happening I never seem to feel depressive or unmotivated. I find life very enjoyable and don't quite understand the whole "I'm depressed. even though nothing bad is happening" mentality and just don't seem to be interested in trying to figure it out any more.
 
Tuco

Tuco

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Ah so you've given up trying to change your spouse. You're speaking in too much of generalities to tell what's going on. Your wife could be a drug addict and you're tired of bailing her out, or you could be itching to go after that hot piece of ass in accounting and are mentally making up a bunch of bullshit to ease the guilt of the incoming infidelity.
 
opiate82

opiate82

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Sounds like to me that you don't care if your wife is happy, and to that I would answer yes that is a bad sign. Not necessarily a "you need a divorce" sign, but your relationship needs work.

True depression can and does happen, sometimes for no reason, and can require outside assistance to be rectified.
 
Swagdaddy

Swagdaddy

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Not at all interested in infidelity and neither of us are drug users. It's just like a constant aura of "I'm not happy because of this" and then the next week "I'm not happy because of that".

We've been married for 5 years (I'm 25) and we met in high school. She's just a constant downer man, I'm just getting the feeling the relationship isn't enhancing my life it's degrading it.

I carry the weight of being the sole provider (Which I really don't mind) but the catch 22 is that as my career progresses and I get more time and energy consuming responsibilities I can't really be constantly boosting her moods.

idk it's hard to describe because it's more of a recent feeling I've been having but after x amount of years trying to change someone I think I'm just realizing it isn't going to happen and I'm not sure if this is the person I want to spend 20 more years around all day errday.
 
Haast

Haast

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Swagdaddy_sl said:
I also have a hard time relating to it as if there's nothing "bad" happening I never seem to feel depressive or unmotivated. I find life very enjoyable and don't quite understand the whole "I'm depressed. even though nothing bad is happening" mentality and just don't seem to be interested in trying to figure it out any more.
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Depression is hard to describe and hard to relate to if you have not dealt with it.

Is she willing to see a counselor and/or doctor to get help with her depression? Have you told her about how serious things have gotten, straight to the point (ex. if things keep going this way, I don't see our marriage working)?

If you've made the problem clear and she refuses to work on it or get help, so be it. But I think you owe her a chance to work on it if she's willing. If nothing else, then for your kids' sake. Divorce is a bitch for kids, even if it ends up going smoothly (which is really rare).
 
Swagdaddy

Swagdaddy

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I think the inability to relate to depression may be the main factor here, most of my family growing up were diagnosed manic depressives (suicide attempts, laying in bed for days, etc)

Like I'm disappointed in myself that I'm not being more caring but I'm just not having those feelings any more. Deep down I kind of feel like "random depression" is a load of bullshit and the people I notice afflicted by it tend to just have built lives they aren't happy with or excited for.

Maybe I'm just being a douche but I saw this thread as a chance to vent some feelings, and sometimes it's hard to be honest with myself but ignoring the feelings of "I just don't care if your depressed any more it never seems to get better and sucks ass" doesn't make them go away.

Maybe I'm a sociopath, I just don't know what to think any more.
 
Tuco

Tuco

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Sounds like you and chaos need to have a beer together. I got no advice for guys whose wives struggle with depression.
 
opiate82

opiate82

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Deep down I kind of feel like "random depression" is a load of bullshit
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Yeah, this is your problem. Nearly impossible to relate if you have never experienced it. (I am just assuming it is true depression here we are dealing with, impossible to know for sure via intrawebs)

Going deeper, it sounds like you don't even care if your wife's depression issues were fixed or not, you are ready to move on. If I am wrong I am sorry, it is hard to armchair internet psychiatrist this kind of stuff, but lord knows you wouldn't be the first high school sweetheart marrying person to later in their 20's think that there might be more or something different out there for them...
 
Swagdaddy

Swagdaddy

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yeh man shit sucks, frustrating feeling when you work your ass off and sacrifice a lot to provide and make your family comfortable but their still not happy because of something you can't control
 
Big Phoenix

Big Phoenix

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Why doesn't she work? No one wants to bust their ass all day only to come home to a noncontributing person and then deal with up their issues.

Also why do you guys jump to depression?
 
Swagdaddy

Swagdaddy

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opiate82_sl said:
Yeah, this is your problem. Nearly impossible to relate if you have never experienced it. (I am just assuming it is true depression here we are dealing with, impossible to know for sure via intrawebs)

Going deeper, it sounds like you don't even care if your wife's depression issues were fixed or not, you are ready to move on. If I am wrong I am sorry, it is hard to armchair internet psychiatrist this kind of stuff, but lord knows you wouldn't be the first high school sweetheart marrying person to later in their 20's think that there might be more or something different out there for them...
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I don't really don't do the "what if I was with a different person" kind of fantasizing. I love my wife and wouldn't mind being married forever but like I said dealing with the depression issues over a course of years is incredibly exhausting and frustrating.

I'm a homebody by nature and a simple "Chill at home with my significant other" lifestyle matches me perfectly. But when you sacrifice so much for a person and they just aren't happy I find myself becoming bitter outside of my control.

I think the bitterness is being converted into defeat and not caring as it's the only logical way to cope with it. Acceptance after years of being defeated is the best way I could describe it.
 
Swagdaddy

Swagdaddy

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Big Phoenix_sl said:
Why doesn't she work? No one wants to bust their ass all day only to come home to a noncontributing person and then deal with up their issues.

Also why do you guys jump to depression?
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Well the only logical thing I could assume about someone who just wants to sit on a couch all day and do nothing is that their depressed, I mean even when I have an extended amount of time off from work or something I start to feel shitty. Plus she describes her feelings to me as "depression" and the way she acts resembles very closely to the depressive family members I had growing up.

Then again though I do have the gut feeling that "Depression" is a bunch of bullshit but I try to be open minded and not arrogant enough that just because I don't relate to something that it doesn't exist.
 
A

a_skeleton_03

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chaos_sl said:
It doesn't, really. I am pretty sure everyone has a line that their woman could cross that would make them end it.
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And every line that once crossed would end it for someone there is a guy or girl that decided to stick with it anyways and a marriage was rebuilt even stronger. Love is a verb. You have to actively work on it. Attraction, infatuation, or lust are the feelings you are looking for to describe those relationships and those things aren't unconditional and far from permanent.

There is a reason my wife and I are still married and that is called determination. Not how my dick feels one year. We both have felt genuine disgust for each other more than once during our marriage. We dug deep and moved on, found the root of that particular problem and found a path around or changed to eliminate the problem.

You will always have problems if you are "in love", you will be able to overcome though if you love somebody though.
 
opiate82

opiate82

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I will say that your language, to me, suggest some waivering. For example, where you say "I wouldn't mind being married forever" I would say "I can't imagine not being married to my wife forever."

I guess all I can do I jump back to my initial point, it does sound like your relationship needs some work. Have you talked to her about your feelings regarding her (potential) depression?
 
Haast

Haast

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Swagdaddy_sl said:
I think the bitterness is being converted into defeat and not caring as it's the only logical way to cope with it. Acceptance after years of being defeated is the best way I could describe it.
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Yeah, that sucks. If she's willing to take it seriously and work on it (with a professional), perhaps things could get fixed. But it's going to be an uphill battle.

On the other side, getting a divorce sucks too. And if you two lawyer up and fight, it will be a long, ugly, expensive process. So perhaps it's worth a shot to see if it is fixable first.
 
Swagdaddy

Swagdaddy

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Yeah I'm not steering toward a divorce it's just the first time in our 8 year relationship I'm having these feelings consistently and it's worrying me
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Leadsalad

Leadsalad

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opiate82_sl said:
admittedly I'm not familiar with the MMSL stuff and am making assumptions based on it being compared to "red pill"[/SIZE]
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Red pill is a philosophy, not a method for nailing women, but I understand when it gets easily confused with PUA level antics.

MMSL stands for Married Man Sex Life. It's pro relationship/marriage material in keeping a long term relationship working. It's not pick up game at all.
 
Tuco

Tuco

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I try to avoid talking about depression because I don't know shit about it, but anytime I hear about people who fuck off all day and have no challenges in their life and get depressed I think they need to be put in a position where they have bigger problems to worry about than how they feel.
 
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