Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Ehh, I tried to talk to her, she didn't want to, I apologised for taking so long and let her know I thought she was going to be happy getting to spend some time with me after I had previously stated we wouldn't be seeing each other. She still wanted to just lay there and be pissy about it. Then, like I said, I layed there for a couple more minutes and basically came to the conclusion I didn't want to be there, and I didn't want to set the precedent that I'm going to just grovel and apologize all night any time she feels slighted. So I left. I didn't storm out, I basically said "Ok, I tried to talk about it, you said yourself you are just mad and going to be mad, so I'm going to leave."

Armchair it all you like, but I'm sure if I had typed this entire story up and the difference was "So we just layed there for a while and finally went to sleep, it sucked." there would be a ton of advice on how I should have left and shown her that I wouldn't tolerate this childish behavior. Lets just be honest, everyone is different, and there's no right way to handle every situation with every girl.

As for her age, she's 26, and while her mom does live in the same town, and she's very close with her family, she does not live with them. She has a super cute little 5 year old daughter (my sons are 4 and 6 so thats pretty perfect) who's father died, so there is no other guy drama or anything. As far as all the normal life / mundane shit goes, she's pretty ideal. Sexually she's absurdly ideal as well. So yeah, I can see this being a long term thing.

P.s. On a side note, Sunday night I got a call from the crazy girl from back in Feb (the one who spammed me with emails/texts). I didn't even answer when I saw her name on the phone. She text me a few minutes later saying "Probably for the best you didn't answer I've been drinking and hope you are doing well." which I ignored. Then yesterday I see she posted a big rant about what a fucking idiot her husband is, how mad she is at him for all the stupid shit he does, and yet somehow SHE's the crazy one?!?! They got married Nov 14th, so not even a month later. LOL. Just wanted to revisit what a fucking bullet was dodged there.

Overthinking this one.

In this life there are good days and bad days. You ended up ass deep in a bad day. Shit happens. It's not the end of the fucking world.

Tell her that, in so many words. Don't take 2 hours to do it. If she doesn't already know it -- RUN THE FUCK AWAY.

If she does, just say "meh. sorry." and move on to the next good day.

Onoes_sl said:

Armchair it all you like, but I'm sure if I had typed this entire story up and the difference was "So we just layed there for a while and finally went to sleep, it sucked." there would be a ton of advice on how I should have left and shown her that I wouldn't tolerate this childish behavior. Lets just be honest, everyone is different, and there's no right way to handle every situation with every girl.

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No there wouldn't have. There'd be discussion about how your story was lame. Which there was some of that too. But we found a mistake we can expose!


You should know thought, that the story could not have endedlayed[sic]there for awhile and went to sleepbecause had you fallen asleep she would have woken you up to talk to you about what went down.

Tenks_sl said:

I've had bad luck with the "leave and let her simmer" angle. I did it once and the chick broke up with me later on saying that, in her opinion, I was in the wrong and just leaving the room with her by herself was me not accepting blame or willingness to even discuss the situation. I was trying to make her feel bad for something she perceived as my fault.

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IMHO it has to be done under the right circumstances. First off if her interest level in you is borderline it's a risk. She either needs to really like you (if things are really early on) or at the least feel she has something invested in the relationship. Two, you need to be in the right. I understand this is subjective, but in regards to petty behavior or emotional outbursts (which is what I exclusively use this tactic on) I ALWAYS feel I'm in the right, as short of an extremely egregious relationship violation, I feel there is NEVER a justifiable reason to act like a whiny entitled child or raging bitch. Finally, you need to have at least discussed it to the point where both sides have stated their thoughts. If you walk out before she's had a chance to rationalize her feelings (oxymoron) the tactic will totally backfire, and rightfully so.

Man the kid's father died. It might start to make a little more sense now.

Khane_sl said:

Leave to let her simmer. That works when you're dating someone who is severely emotionally immature. It won't work on a functional well adjusted woman. It won't work on anyone who has any level of maturity and can actually communicate with their partner, man or woman. It's completely immature to just leave when things aren't going your way.

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Sorry, I disagree. I'm not talking ultimatums. I'm not even talking storming out after making your case. I'm talking about a scenario where you've already discussed things at length, she's acting emotional, and you're going to give her some breathing room to calm down and think logically instead of emotionally. It's not a matter of fleeing "when things don't go your way", it's a case of you discussing things, reaching an impasse that you feel is being tainted/clouded by irrational or emotional thought, and disengaging form the conversation to give her some time to think about it.

Everyone is overthinking this, she is not crazy (in this instance) and he is not dumb. They just had different expectations on what was going to happen and neither got met.

Frenzied Wombat_sl said:

Sorry, I disagree. I'm not talking ultimatums. I'm not even talking storming out after making your case. I'm talking about a scenario where you've already discussed things at length, she's acting emotional, and you're going to give her some breathing room to calm down and think logically instead of emotionally.

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This was exactly the situation I did it in. It doesn't work. I think I did this maybe month 4 of a 6 month relationship. Yes she remembered that long.

Tenks_sl said:

This was exactly the situation I did it in. It doesn't work. I think I did this maybe month 4 of a 6 month relationship. Yes she remembered that long.

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Well, do you feel you dodged a bullet with that one? If you knew you were right, and she doubled-down on her emotional bias, do you regret the outcome? Were you willing to see things her way?

I'm surprised you guys haven't figured this out yet. With women, when you're right, you're wrong, and when you're wrong, you're wrong.

I've waaay over-simplified, but the point being, ask her what she wants. If you do what she thin...

You know what, we're all fucked, and then we die. Make the best of it.

BrotherWu_sl said:

The long-time married guys reading this story are thinking "This would not even register on my radar."

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It wouldn't and was fairly common when we were engaged. Not so much now. If she's gonna be a bitch I just go play video games. A lot of times she even apologizes for it.

BrotherWu_sl said:

The long-time married guys reading this story are thinking "This would not even register on my radar."

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Hahah yeah I know, and today I totally agree.

How about we change gears a sec and I tell you my other concern. As I've stated a bunch on here in the past, I'm pretty fucking repulsed and horrified at the thought of anal anything. In the thousands of times I've had sex, I've never tried anything at all, to the point I knee jerked reacted one time (on a one night stand) where a girl tried to put a finger in my ass out of the blue, and I accidentally gave her a bloody nose jerking away (I tensed up and just brought my arms up fast, no clue what my brain was trying to block my face for, but my elbow caught her face). I was probably 16 or 17 at the time, it was shocking.

So anyway. with my current girlfriend, we were having a conversation early on about sex stuff, and I said "My only rule is no butt stuff, I won't bother yours, you don't bother mine, and we're golden!" which usually gets a laugh and a "Sounds perfect!" from ladies. Her reaction was "Ohhh... you don't like any anal stuff? How do you know? Have you had bad experiences?" which I found to be alarming, lol. Well, its since become clear through conversation and actions that in her last relationship, which lasted a couple of years, that was pretty much her ex-dudes thing. So yeah, now I'm feeling some pressure to try this stuff at some point, and while I think I can cope with the idea of doing her in the butt if she really wants me too on occasion or whatever, the thought of her putting anything in my own ass is not comforting. I know there is nothing anyone on here is going to say to make that really change, I'm probably just going to have to go with it at some point or something, but thought I would share, get this conversation to something more interesting than "I hurt my girlfriends feels with my tardiness".

With sexual stuff just be open and honest. Lay it out what you're willing/not willing to do and have her do the same. It may sound tame in comparison, but for a long time my wife didn't tell me she wanted to talk dirty. She thought it would freak me out or something, we never talked about it. It was brought up in conversation and I told her it would be a major turn-on and there we go. Now she screams "fuck my pussy" all the time. It's awesome.

If you're not comfortable getting a finger in the butt let her know up front before you break her nose.

Get drunk, let it get close one night, then roll her over and paddle her bare ass while yelling, "NO MEANS NO!"

It's not about denial, it's about replacement.

It's a very clear message. If you want to get spanked, try to stick a finger in my butt.

Frenzied Wombat_sl said:

Well, do you feel you dodged a bullet with that one? If you knew you were right, and she doubled-down on her emotional bias, do you regret the outcome? Were you willing to see things her way?

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I have shocking news here. But sometimes in a relationship neither party is right. I felt I was right and she felt she was right. It is a gray zone of emotions not a math problem.

Onoes_sl said:

Hahah yeah I know, and today I totally agree.

How about we change gears a sec and I tell you my other concern. As I've stated a bunch on here in the past, I'm pretty fucking repulsed and horrified at the thought of anal anything. In the thousands of times I've had sex, I've never tried anything at all, to the point I knee jerked reacted one time (on a one night stand) where a girl tried to put a finger in my ass out of the blue, and I accidentally gave her a bloody nose jerking away (I tensed up and just brought my arms up fast, no clue what my brain was trying to block my face for, but my elbow caught her face). I was probably 16 or 17 at the time, it was shocking.

So anyway. with my current girlfriend, we were having a conversation early on about sex stuff, and I said "My only rule is no butt stuff, I won't bother yours, you don't bother mine, and we're golden!" which usually gets a laugh and a "Sounds perfect!" from ladies. Her reaction was "Ohhh... you don't like any anal stuff? How do you know? Have you had bad experiences?" which I found to be alarming, lol. Well, its since become clear through conversation and actions that in her last relationship, which lasted a couple of years, that was pretty much her ex-dudes thing. So yeah, now I'm feeling some pressure to try this stuff at some point, and while I think I can cope with the idea of doing her in the butt if she really wants me too on occasion or whatever, the thought of her putting anything in my own ass is not comforting. I know there is nothing anyone on here is going to say to make that really change, I'm probably just going to have to go with it at some point or something, but thought I would share, get this conversation to something more interesting than "I hurt my girlfriends feels with my tardiness".

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Just because she wants it in the poop-chute doesn't mean you have to take it in kind lol.. I've had plenty of girls that wanted anal but never put their fingers anywhere near my furbee of an asshole. If a chick wants to put her fingers in your ass, it's because she thinks she's going to give you some prostate action, but you can explain that she can do that without putting her fingers in your ass.. In any case, she's doing that for you, not herself, so if she likes anal you can have your cake and eat it too.

That being said, watch out for the ones that reallyloveanal. The two I dated that pretty much required anal every time we had sex had serious daddy issues.

Get over your fear bro and embrace the poop chute. It's not my favorite but it certainly has its place.

Tenks_sl said:

This was exactly the situation I did it in. It doesn't work. I think I did this maybe month 4 of a 6 month relationship. Yes she remembered that long.

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Women who want to end a relationship will justify it however they can. It sounds like this was her justification. Especially since it took her another 2 months to use it. Anything that's a "deal breaker" ends the relationship right then and there. Something that gets brought up 2 months later is just an excuse and it's always something you were "wrong" about.

My experiences are similar to Wombat's in that once both sides have said their peace, if she's still reacting emotionally, a solid 30-60 minute break does the trick.

Noodleface_sl said:

Now she screams "fuck my pussy" all the time. It's awesome.

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Enjoy that while you can. When is the kid due?

Tenks_sl said:

I have shocking news here. But sometimes in a relationship neither party is right. I felt I was right and she felt she was right. It is a gray zone of emotions not a math problem.

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I get where you're coming from bro. I just find in these circumstances where it becomes an emotional argument you hit a point where these is no answer (because like you said it isn't math) and the discussion becomes circular exactly for that reason. At the point it becomes circular, and you're just both rehashing the same feelings using different adjectives, I give up and retreat, because there is no clear answer because I feel rational thought is being clouded by emotions.

And in fact your statement about it not being a math problem is probably my number one failing when it comes to relationships. I always try to distill things down to fact, as I hate emotional grey areas, and moreso I hate emotional reactions. My education is in science, as is my career, because I enjoy the binary, non subjective environment it provides. Arguments and rationale based on emotions that ignore fact drive me fucking nuts, but that's the way most women argue, and it's the quickest way to lose my respect. I've had countless relationships where emotional crazy is being spewed and mentally I'm going "WTF IS SHE SAYING, JESUS" and I can literally feel my interest level and respect take a nosedive.