I take this thread off issue all the time, its cool. I wear a hat Famm. I'm 5'10, so currently I just have headroom.
Also, I'm too fat to be a heroin junkie.
Kirun, I would guess it comes from a lifetime of abuse? I was the nerdy kid in school, to the degree that even the other nerdy kids picked on me. I lived 4 blocks from my school, and a group of kids painted on the sidewalk, 1 giant letter per sidewalk square "M I K E L A L L E N I S A F AG" over and over the entire distance from my house to school. I walked down that shit every single day for 6 years. I can go there now and its still visible here and there, although not in its entirety. My farther was basically always gone, and as much as I hate the beta/alpha thing, he's the most beta person I've ever met. His advice to me as a kid was to never fight back, to just try and stay out of everyone's way, if I was being bullied it was my fault, and not to give people reasons. My mother had severe mental issue's and random violent outbursts that would often leave me, or my sisters on occasion, black and blue. I was a super religious kid, probably because it gave me some hope for something, and I had a King James bible I would read every night and I that I slept with, cradled in my arms like another kid would have a stuffed animal or something. At about 10 she beat me so bad WITH my bible I was out of school a few days so no one would find out. I still feel like that day was probably the start of my eventual religious decline into atheism. At 13 I tried to shoot myself with a shotgun in my parents closet. I still don't know why that didn't work, I couldn't figure it out, I got it loaded and pulled the trigger but nothing happened. I don't know if it was a safety thing or what, but I couldn't make it fire (I had never fired a gun in my life, and knew nothing about them, other than there was one in my dads closet). I remember just crying and shaking and feeling even worse because I couldn't even kill myself right. Maybe 2 days later I got up in the night and just started pouring all the cleaners under the kitchen sink into a glass, if it had a skull on it, I poured some in. Managed to drink it, and promptly started throwing up, my throat was burning so bad, I kind of flipped out. My parents woke up and rushed me to the hospital. They had to flush my system and kept making me puke. I remember they talked about pumping my stomach, but I don't think they did, that night is kind of a horrible mess. I then went to counseling, which I can't really say if it helped, I just kind of went in and cried every day to this super skinny dude who just nodded a lot. Everything kind of changed when I hit 17, JR year of high school (my high school was just sophomore, jr, and seniors - freshmen went to a different school). Suddenly, there was TONS of new kids, all a year younger, who didn't know I was everyone's punching bag. I actually made some friends. I felt better about myself, and suddenly life got a lot better. Senior year was even better, I wouldn't say I was popular, but it was the first year I wasn't actively worried I was about to be pegged in the head with a rock at any given moment or something. I moved out of my parents when I hit 18, into a friends garage, my parents called the police and wanted me put in jail... because I left. When the police told them I was an adult and 18, they wanted to press charges of theft, because I had taken my clothes and stereo with me, and that was stuff they had bought. So I had to give them everything back, but the police wouldn't actually arrest me, so that was nice. My parents were pissed. After that, life's just been a million times better.
So yeah, I imagine my need to have everyone like me, my desire for attention, etc, all stems from my experiences up to this point. I'm in no way saying my childhood was any worse than anyone else's, or looking for sympathy or anything, just stating why I suspect I have some of these issues. I think everyone has it rough in one way or another, and for every fucking terrible story I have, half of you have something worse.
But yeah, I'm weird, I'm aware of that.
