Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Famm_sl said:

Wait, what? I thought you guys were total buds and shit? Haven't you been talking about helping her move and getting along astoundingly well?

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Right, because I have kids with her, and I like to keep everything amicable. If the children were not in the picture, I would have nothing to do with her. I still get along with her, but when I look at what my relationship with her is like, what it's been like for years, and compare that to my current relationship, I see that I'm just not very found of the person she is. Now, I still think she's a good human being, and that she is a good mother to my kids, we just have nothing in common anymore.

As far as waiting until you are 30, yeah, I can support that. The thing was, when I was in my late teens and early twenties, everyone I knew was getting married and having kids. I was years behind everyone else. At 23 I met an 18 year old girl who was vastly more mature than the girls my age, and to top it off, she was the first person I had ever met that was as optimistic and just as naturally positive as I was. It seemed like a perfect match. Within 2 years we were getting married, although we would wait another 4 before deciding to have kids. By this point, most of my friends had been married, sometimes several times, with multiple kids. If anything, I felt like I had waited too long, as was behind the curve.

So yeah, no one ever told me that people change a lot in their late twenties. Even if they had, I wouldn't have listened I'm sure, because we would be the one success story no doubt, FOR REALS.

Even now, that mid 20's "I need to be an adult" stick up the ass, time to get serious bug just never bit me. I travel and see friends who live out of state, friends I haven't seen in 10 years, and they say "Wow, you are the exact same guy, its crazy." and I go "Yeah, and here you are all grown up!" or some nonsense, which is really just code for "You seem fucking miserable, crushed as a person, and absolutely no fun at all to be around, I'm so glad I didn't ever turn into that."

But yeah, anyway. Hindsight is 20/20 and all of that. It seemed like a good idea at the time, it was good for a few years, then my ex wife decided to be a grown up. I'm having people over for board games, going to see shows, traveling, and most of all- just laughing and smiling. Thats what I'm into. She's super serious about yoga, and doing the next Tough Mudder, and being into very obscure music while sipping wine and eating gluten free crackers by herself. Thats what makes her happy. She's very serious and health conscious and wants to be alone to discover herself. I just like to surround myself with people and laugh.

Thats what I mean when I say I don't like the person she's become. Not that she's awful, just that I want to roll my eyes at her every time she opens her mouth, while she wants to lecture me about finding my spirituality or something.



On a side note, I just hit 6 weeks with the girl I've been seeing. So far, 100% perfect. No exciting stories. Wah wah.

ZyyzYzzy_sl said:

No. Those friends you see are really grown up and not some manchild with horns. They probably aren't miserable or attention whores either.

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I think you're super jelly that Ohnoes does what he wants and gives no fucks while you put on a grey monkeysuit every day to kiss the asses of pretentious shitheads who you hate.

I'm kinda jelly of onoes.

I mean I could probably do without the really awkward hotel sex with a married woman while she's on her phone with her husband. That's just a little bit too twisted in just the wrong way. But otherwise. I can't really work myself into those insane infatuations anymore though. And there is something to be jelly about when someone does it so readily.

And onoes isn't so dishonest that he's faking it. I mean I'll pay for pussy before I lie for it.

I'm only jealous in the way that he can do whatever he wants right now and has a really well paying job to support it.

When I was "free" i had a shitty job, so I was grounded. Now I have a well paying job but I'm tied down. I'm not miserable, I'm married to my best friend, and my dick gets sucked occasionally, so I can't complain. If he came over he'd probably think I was one of those miserable grown up people too, but I'm not. I vent here, because it's the only place I can. I mean, sometimes I vent in my car when I'm driving home to myself and whoever is looking at me, but otherwise not. It's always small stuff too. I'm having a kid in 3 weeks so I am shitting my pants right now.

The point is, one day he will find himself. He'll be a miserable grown up like us too. It was probably delayed because he got married so young (and to an 18 year old.. yikes).

Cad_sl said:

So there's a few different types of non-monogamy, and they shouldn't really be confused.

One is "open marriage" - one or both of them can just do whatever as long as they come home at night.

Another is "swingers" - they have non-monogamous sex reasonably together; either in the same room or actually on the same bed all together.

Lastly is "polyamorous" - these actually have spare boyfriends/girlfriends but the wife/husband is the "primary".

Open marriage is more your 1950's "we have an understanding as long as I am discreet" type of thing.

Swinging is different, my feeling is a goodly number of these people are very satisfied with their spouse, and just want to do something extra, or enjoy watching their spouse perform.

Polys run a risky game, because they explicitly do have emotions for their other partners, thats their whole thing.

tldr; not all non-monogamy is created equal.

Of course, there's always plain old cheaters, too.

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I'm not talking about any of those. I'm talking about actual entire populations in areas of the world that are not monogamous. It's pretty impossible here in the US to find that kind of community unless you go to like... a hippie commune or something.

Soygen_sl said:

Actually, yes. Waiting until your 30 to get married is probably one of the smartest things anyone can do, relationship-wise.

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Evidence supports your claim.

I understand what educational attainment means but what does "Age at start of marriage and educational attainment" mean?

The Ancient_sl said:

Evidence supports your claim.

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That's potentially misleading. If a marriage starts at 22 and last ten years, it will be a negative in the 46th birthday column. But if a marriage starts at 38 and lasts ten years, it will still be a success in the 46th birthday column. Likewise, marriages ending in divorce will naturally appear to be more successful for marriages that aren't as long (such as with couples starting later). It would be more helpful to have a comparison of divorce/together rates for each age group based on years since they were married.

I'm guessing it means the table is incomplete. A couple of distracting columns, extraneous to the point, have been cropped.

Iannis_sl said:

I'm guessing it means the table is incomplete. A couple of distracting columns, extraneous to the point, have been cropped.

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^

DickTrickle_sl said:

That's potentially misleading.

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It could be, but in reality it isn't.

DickTrickle_sl said:

It would be more helpful to have a comparison of divorce/together rates for each age group based on years since they were married.

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Although actually the data seems to show the really important thing to do is not to wait til 30 but 23, although that's probably unfairly influenced by the amount of college grads present in that group vs. younger.

Thanks for the expanded information Though I definitely wouldn't say those columns were extraneous to the point -- they were more essential than the first two.

According to a very fast google the current rate of first-time marriages ending in divorce is now around 30%. It peaked at 40%. The whole "50% of marriages end up in divorce" is a misleading data point because there are certain people who seem to get married and divorced for sport.

Tenks_sl said:

According to a very fast google the current rate of first-time marriages ending in divorce is now around 30%. It peaked at 40%. The whole "50% of marriages end up in divorce" is a misleading data point because there are certain people who seem to get married and divorced for sport.

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I <128 char'd this pages ago.

The Ancient_sl said:

50/50 marriage statistics include people who have no business ever getting married ever.

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Tenks_sl said:

According to a very fast google the current rate of first-time marriages ending in divorce is now around 30%. It peaked at 40%. The whole "50% of marriages end up in divorce" is a misleading data point because there are certain people who seem to get married and divorced for sport.

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I think it's right around 27% of first marriages ending in divorce. And my 50/50 statement is based on out of the remaining 73% what % of those are happy and fulfilling. I think it's a fair statement to say another 25% are unhappy and they stay together for the kids, or because it's cheaper, or because they just don't know any better. In fact that I think that's conservative.

I would say the longer you wait to get married the better chance you have at making it last for sure. We tend to be very idealistic when we're young and buy into "love will conquer all" frame of mind. When we're older we realize a lot more goes into making a relationship work than just "well right now I love her so I will always love her". And more intelligent people obviously can make it work better because, in theory, they've got life the necessities in life "figured out". Relationships are a lot easier when you aren't both worried about making it to the next paycheck, can take vacations and travel together, and generally don't have as many survival worries.

DickTrickle_sl said:

Thanks for the expanded information

Though I definitely wouldn't say those columns were extraneous to the point -- they were more essential than the first two.

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The extraneous rows were the aforementioned educational attainment.

Math is fun. 42% of marriages in my extended family end in divorce. That 6 our of 14 marriages.

Funny thing is that 6 of those divorces come from only my two uncles, one has a single divorce and will never remarry. The other just finalized #5......

No offense to your uncle but what kind of moron gets married that many times