Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Khane_sl said:

Got the old "Hey sorry to cancel last minute but something came up and I won't be able to make it tonight" from the woman I've been dating the last month and a half or so. Responded by telling her she may as well be honest instead of vague and mysterious, she's lost interest. She then said she has a great time when we're together but there is a lack of communication when we are apart and I seem aloof. I had told her I am not much of a phone talker/texter when we first started dating and that women tend to take that as me not being interested, so I repeated that and said I understand where she's coming from and that it was nice meeting her and wished her luck.

"Wait, you're done with me? You're all set that's it? Can I call you?"

Sigh...

She really believes I can't see what's going on there. She called and said she wasn't cancelling because of another date she just "needed time to think". I told her how cliche that was and how whenever we hear our friends/acquaintances say things like that about the people they are dating we roll our eyes, she's not fooling anyone and it's not a big deal, she may as well just be honest. She got very defensive that it wasn't about that at all and can she un-cancel tonight's date with me. I told her I'm not interested in someone I have to drag normal conversation out of. Either you're lying about the fade away for some strange reason or you can't be honest about something as simple as "I feel like you're not interested, where is this going?".

"So wait, would you have made an effort to talk more if I said something?"
"Yes, I would have."
"Well I didn't want to be a nag"
"So you decided to try to find someone else and swing to the next branch?"
"I TOLD YOU, I'M NOT SEEING ANYONE ELSE"
"It's not a big deal, really it isn't. It's OK, some people aren't right for each other"
"You're infuriating"
"See, we agree."
"STOP!"

And that went on for a while.

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That chick sounds like a goddamn headcase. You probably dodged a bullet, honestly.

By moving out do you mean divorcing her, I assume?

Kirun_sl said:

That chick sounds like a goddamn headcase. You probably dodged a bullet, honestly.

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She's not a headcase, she's just not used to dating men who are smarter than her.

No it's woman logic: she wanted you to read her mind and also tell her stories in explicit graphic detail about how your days are.

Tarrant_sl said:

It would begin the walk down that path, yes. Due to her own mental state, there would be no trying to work things out while apart, it would just be the end of everything. Right now I'm not really evaluating if I'm okay with that because I'm pretty numb to the thought, but instead evaluating how I would go about doing it as smoothly as possible where it'll cause the least amount of trauma for my son.

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Was it you a while back who was talking about your wife battling depression? Sucks man.

Khane_sl said:

. She then said she has a great time when we're together but there is a lack of communication when we are apart and I seem aloof. I had told her I am not much of a phone talker/texter when we first started dating and that women tend to take that as me not being interested, so I repeated that and said I understand where she's coming from and that it was nice meeting her and wished her luck.

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This here is pretty much the story of my life. Seriously. The last chick I dated a few months back was pretty much this chick's long lost twin. I got the "I feel you're distant and don't initiate contact enough when we're apart" speech word for word as well. This btw was four weeks after my dad died, and a few weeks after my ceiling collapsed in my house and I was dealing with contactors and a potentially life changing repair bill. The night before we broke up she called me to say her dad was going in for a hernia operation the next day and she was worried sick. I told her not to worry about it-- it's a very basic operation and his chance of dying were practically nil. She doubled down with "well two bad things have already happened to me this week, and they always come in threes". I kind of just sighed and said I get it, but seriously don't worry. I had just seen my dad weeks prior with his skull carved open from an aneurism and hooked to life support in a coma, as well as my aunt after having one lobe of her lung removed due to cancer, so my sympathy levels for worry over a hernia operation were hard to muster. In any case, flash forward to the next day and I call her right after I leave the office:

Me: So I assume the operation went ok?
Her: I'm cross with you
Me: Uhh, why?
Her: You never called me to ask how it went
Me: I just did..
Her: I told you how worried I was about it, and that problems come in threes. You should have called me during the day
Me: I'm sorry, I have my own big problems going on right now. Dealing with my dad's estate 2000 miles away, my despondent siblings/family, and the fact that I don't fucking have a ceiling over my living room right now. I was dealing with that crap all day with whatever free time I had at work. I'm sorry, but those issues are more pressing than your superstitious worry over problems happening in threes..
Her: I just feel you don't care as much about me as I do for you.. I think about you all day and I don't get the impression you think of me. I know you're dealing with a lot, and I keep asking myself if you'll open up and explain how things effect you. I can't read you at all because you bottle everything up.
Me: You knew these events were going on in my life; what do I need to explain that any sane person should be able to infer on their own? Why do I need to emotionally prostrate myself before you when you already KNOW how these things would impact any normal person?
Her: You just don't care about me..
Me: That's a pretty big statement to make at week 7 of a relationship. It's the most I can give right now.
Her: Well I need more. You know how to reach me if you're willing to give it.
Me: Have a good one for now then..

Tarrant have you considered counseling? Does she know your concerns?

Shit, T.

Tarrant_sl said:

Yeah. I think Chaoss wife does too but mine is pretty bad.

I get mental illness is a thing, and it's a thing you can't control but things have been really bad. Shes a major introvert and expects me to be one as well, which i'm the exact opposite of. She is on a bunch of medications which help some days and don't most. She has got them retooled a few times over the years with no real luck and over time she's just got worse with everything. She will have a good day and then in "50 First Dates" fashion she will wake up the next morning and be a totally different person. She shifts from sweet to Satan on a whim and I just can't ride that roller coaster anymore. I can't every make plans because I don't know if she'll ever want to get out of bed so when I do make plans every weekend ends up being a potential argument. I have to walk on egg shells at all times and if she gets upset about anything, she'll look to me to start lashing out. She does maybe 10% of household work and no cooking what so ever. We haven't even shared the same bedroom in over a year. Also lets not forget the "I'll lay here while you have sex with me once a month" fun time we get.

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She sounds like she's BPD or something, what her official diagnosis? It's always hard to tell because there seems to be so many women that have this Jekyll/Hyde syndrome where they can go from sweet to vicious at the drop of a hat. All I can say is get out, she'll never get better. They never do. I've had multiple girlfriends where you reach that walking on eggshells type of life, and it's no way to live. It eats away at your manhood and self worth because when they go batshit crazy on you, even if it includes physical violence, there's nothing you can do back to immediately stop it that won't land you in jail. You basically become powerless and fearful in your own house, which leads to stress/anxiety, which eventually leads to health problems like weight gain, headaches, stomach pain, etc. I've been there. Cut the cord and move on.

Tarrant_sl said:

Yes, she hates i because she feels all it does is concentrate on things she does wrong.

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Reminds me of my brother in law and his girlfriend. His girlfriend turned into a mega bitch when they bought a house and signed them up for counseling. Now when they go to counseling they basically just focus on her the entire time and how everything she does and says is wrong.

Sounds like the only thing stopping you from leaving is the uncertainty regarding your son. As in, if you don't get full custody you're afraid he'll be neglected at the least during the time she has him. And I have no advice for that.