Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Iannis_sl said:

Or else she's just been really coddled her entire life... and expects you to coddle her out of this. Which, you ain't her daddy. You ain't gonna do that. And you shouldn't. And now she's accepting that you're not gonna be doing that.

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No, she's very independent. Moved out and moved away at 18 to go to college, supported herself mostly, yadda yadda. She's had very little handed to her, and it looks like she just can't cope if things are handed to her because she's so used to clawing her way to everything.

Iannis_sl said:

She doesn't wanna feel like a junior partner, and no matter how much you tell her that she isn't a junior partner she still feels like one. That's on her, that's completely on her. The absolute best thing that you did is to remind her, without any sort of fight or disagreement, that it is on her. If you fixed that problem for her then she would be a junior partner.

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Yeah, more or less that. I don't think she's a junior partner, but that's how she feels and there's little I can do to convince her otherwise. She lays a massive guilt trip on herself because she's not paying rent or for groceries or whatever else.

Iannis_sl said:

Isn't she supposed to be some sort of Masters in Psych student? How does she not "get" that?

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It's in child and education psychology, so not directly applicable, but yeah you'd think she'd be a bit more in touch with her thought processes about a few things being kind of bent. But you can say the same for just about anybody. We all have our hang ups about certain things. She did mention that she had booked a counselling appointment early in January to talk things out a bit with someone. She had seen someone a few times a year ago about anxiety issues (she did some sort of flashing light therapy shit, and has also been on fairly low strength medication of one sort or another since). Not sure if it's the same person or not. When I asked she said she hadn't talked to anyone else about our relationship or our issues, not even a close friend. Which struck me as a bit odd, as well. I'm not a big talker either, but I'd spoken with a couple of my good buds about what was going on over the past few months. You'd think she'd talk with a friend at least.

chthonic-anemos_sl said:

LOL
Now you know how she's talking about you to anyone who asks. She must have realized that other people would laugh in her face if she complained that you were too nice. So now you and your family are villains that she had to escape from.

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Nah, she's not like that at all. When we first started dating she had only been out of her previous relationship a month or two and was still occasionally in touch with the ex to give stuff back, get mail and that kinda shit and she never really had much of anything bad to say about him. She came close a couple times, but overall she's a classy gal and isn't like that at all. Anyone who does try to pry with her that she's not willing to truly open up to, which would be basically everyone other than maybe a close friend or two and her family, would just get some vague short answers before she changed the subject.

Iannis_sl said:

I'm not running her down. It is a much more difficult thing to graciously receive a gift than it is to graciously give one. You know what i'm talking about if you think about it, it is truly humbling. She feels that the balance is off, and it probably is. But there ain't jack shit that you can do about that. That's just a thing that is. She either has to compensate, accept, or leave. Those are the choices.

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Yeah, she tried to compensate by doing stuff around the house and overall being a great girlfriend with my family and friends all the time. And she did a good job of it, until the last few months, whether because she was exhausted by it or what. Kind of a chicken and egg thing, I guess, but suddenly my laundry wasn't getting done, she was cooking dinner less often, not making me lunches, etc etc. And she unfortunately seems incapable of just accepting it, as well. So door #3 it is!

Daly_sl said:

She breaks down and begins to tell me she's been in love with her boss, who is married.

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Shit bro, that's fucked. And I'm sorry to say, that's a bit of a pick me up, personally. Bitches be crazy, but thankfully mine's an incrediblynice, self repressedversion of crazy.

DickTrickle_sl said:

I loathe this saying. Why should the wife be the one with the most emphasis on being happy? Is an unhappy husband irrelevant? I realize it's just a trite saying but it's that kind of mentality that ends up leading to unbalanced relationships, imo. The wife should care as much about the husband's happiness as he does about her's.

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Its a saying for people too pussy to say no to their wife cause she might get mad.

It's not a statement meant to be taken entirely seriously. Let's face it, a lot of times in a relationship when it comes to minor/inconsequential shit, it's just easier to give her what she wants or say what she wants to hear, than it is to fight it. If that's your approach to everything in the relationship, then yeah, you've got problems. But if she wants sushi and you want steak, it's probably not worth the effort to fight for the steak, because even if you end up eating steak you still lose.

Let's be real, girls will never flat out tell you what they want to eat. You have to guess and list 90 restaurants till you get the right one.

fifey_sl said:

Let's be real, girls will never flat out tell you what they want to eat. You have to guess and list 90 restaurants till you get the right one.

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I finally (more or less) stopped my wife from playing that game by designating a certain restaurant as our default one. If I ask her what she wants and I get anything other than "I want to eat X" from her I just head to the default restaurant. It's about a 15-20 minute drive to get there so she has until then to make up her mind. Doesn't work when we are out of town though so she hammers me hard with The Game to make up for me refusing to play it at home.

*edt: Granted, sometimes she is not very happy about eating at the default place but fuck it, I have my principles and the default place has a great beer selection.

Noodle,

I am sure you have posted this before but how long have you and your wife been together? This seems like a growing pain that is only being made worse by adding a little person into the mix. For example my wife and I were together for 7 years before we had our first child.

For example, she hates vacuuming or cleaning floors. For me that's NP I was in the Marine Corps for 5 years where they use to make you clean and buff floors just to fuck with you. Me I hate folding clothes with a passion. That is NP for my wife she folds clothes like she had a summer internship at Old Navy or something. So I am cool with floors all the time and she is fine folding laundry. To be fair we don't let it pile up though =).

Before we had kids we often had different days of the week off. She would get upset if I did not notice something around the house that she found obvious. Now she mentions those things to me. I use to blow-up at her when she was late for things I wanted to do. Now a simple and firm: I want to go here and I don't want to be late ensures she is ready to leave with more than enough time. To be fair though if I don't say that we will be late. So let her know whats important and ask how you can help her get it there.

I did date and live with a girl who basically lived in one step above filth. Without telling her how much it bothered me, I would go and clean up everything which was a big mistake on my part. She actually did less because she expected me to do it. Before we finally broke it off , we were living like roommates. I would only clean stuff i used and only did my own laundry.

We've been together for 7 years, with the kid coming in April of this year.

Actually, two weeks before giving birth is when she exploded my office and never returned to fix it.

Request name change to Dr. Picasso.

Prognosis:The seven-year itch - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

To go along with her baby induced PMS (poor me syndrome)

synergized by BAMS (bitch-ass man syndrome)

See Noodle? All those video games are paying off. You're synergizing!

I like the default restaurant idea. Before my wife and I go out to dinner and she wants me to pick she gets to tell me 3 things she doesn't want. I told her that after i pick a place if there are any complaints or suggestions otherwise then we will just eat at home and I will play video games for the rest of the evening. We have not had to return home yet but I can tell by the look on her face it bugs her ha

It used to be an hour long debate every night what we were going to eat. But now that we eat better we usually have a menu planned for the next several days.

Ah yes, the famous "whatever you want to east is fine with me honey" followed by her shooting down suggestions and/or passive aggressively sulking at your choice. The only good way around this situation from my experience is force her to choose the cuisine, and you choose the restaurant. They have an easier time choosing what "type" of food they are in the mood for than an actual restaurant, and you minimize your chance at rejection/frustration, particularly if you choose a higher end restaurant of the cuisine type she chose...

Frenzied Wombat_sl said:

Ah yes, the famous "whatever you want to east is fine with me honey" followed by her shooting down suggestions and/or passive aggressively sulking at your choice. The only good way around this situation from my experience is force her to choose the cuisine, and you choose the restaurant. They have an easier time choosing what "type" of food they are in the mood for than an actual restaurant, and you minimize your chance at rejection/frustration, particularly if you choose a higher end restaurant of the cuisine type she chose...

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Wait, you guys talk about specific restaurants rather than what type of food you're in the mood for? I've never had a conversation like that and I never suggest specific restaurants. Always a certain kind of dining experience (Italian, Asian, American Bistro, etc). By the way I love using "American Bistro" when I first meet a woman as a suggestion. Throws em for a loop.