Marriage and the Power of Divorce
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moontayle
Golden Squire
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Happy to hear things went well in this regard. My best friend's wife had a break and tried to throw their son out the second floor window and "escape" with him. Would have succeeded too if they hadn't put in the window child-proofing devices.
Noodleface
A Mod Real Quick
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Haast
Lord Nagafen Raider
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Koushirou
Log Wizard
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Awesome news to hear. Hopefully she can start really getting the help she needs, as well.
Shonuff
Mr. Poopybutthole
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I had a Secretary that I ran off, who I found out later had BPD. It explained a lot, she'd do crazy shit all day, and it didn't make any sense. She could not get along with any of the other employees, she'd constantly start arguments with them for no reason.
Tarrant
<Prior Amod>
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My son is well, he really likes the place I live now, which is with some friends, I rent the lower level of their 3 level town home. I'll be here for a bit until everything gets squared away. This place is much larger than our condo was and my son loves all the places he can hide. The first night he was slept great and he's adjusted well. When his mother was admitted he asked about her a few times and then slowly stopped. He still asks if he will ever sleep at his other house again and I tell him someday. For the mean time he will sleep at our place and at his grandparents. (his mother has supervised visits at their place, I trust her parents.)
I hope she gets the help she needs too but I must admit, I was pretty apathetic towards her being in this last time. To use the old phrase, "I ran out of fucks to give" is pretty fitting. I don't wish her ill....I just don't really care either way I guess. I sorta feel bad for thinking that, but at the same time, I can't bring myself to care enough to think any other way about it.
I hope she gets the help she needs too but I must admit, I was pretty apathetic towards her being in this last time. To use the old phrase, "I ran out of fucks to give" is pretty fitting. I don't wish her ill....I just don't really care either way I guess. I sorta feel bad for thinking that, but at the same time, I can't bring myself to care enough to think any other way about it.
moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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Just be prepared to have the 'mommy is in a better place' talk or have some version of that handy. BPD has a serious risk of suicide. Couple that with loss of a child (her fault, not yours) and she may very well decide to check out early. Apathy is a healthy reaction to someone like that, but your son won't likely be able to get there any time soon if she pulls that shit. And sadly, someone who loses a parent to suicide has a much higher than average risk of following suit later in life.
Haast
Lord Nagafen Raider
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So bros, I'm at a critical juncture with the GF. We've been dating for over a year, we're both in our mid 30s, and I think both of us would prefer to know if we're moving forward or moving on. She's made it clear she'd prefer moving forward; the decision is in my lap.
The tl;dr is that our "friendship" chemistry is mediocre, her social awkwardness has made some friends & family lukewarm on her, and she's (for lack of better word) clingy. Meaning she's always pushing to be around me instead of pursuing her own interests/hobbies/friends/etc and balancing that with activities together; she tends to invite herself along to whatever I'm doing, regardless of my thoughts on the matter.
Significant positives are that she has a good career (read: makes money) and intends to stay in it, she's not dramatic, we line up well on the major issues (sex/money/kids/religion/etc) and we tend to compromise well (minus exception above).
I don't think the negatives are correctable (other than backing her off inviting herself to everything to some degree), so I have to decide if I want to deal with them long term or not. I'm leaning towards not. Not thrilled with the prospect of starting the process over, but I'm even less thrilled by setting myself up in a situation where I may become unhappy and should have seen it coming. I'm thinking any one of the three would be forgivable, but all 3 together tip the scales. I think there is a decent chance of regret, but I'm not sure it outweighs the chance of future unhappiness.
Thoughts?
The tl;dr is that our "friendship" chemistry is mediocre, her social awkwardness has made some friends & family lukewarm on her, and she's (for lack of better word) clingy. Meaning she's always pushing to be around me instead of pursuing her own interests/hobbies/friends/etc and balancing that with activities together; she tends to invite herself along to whatever I'm doing, regardless of my thoughts on the matter.
Significant positives are that she has a good career (read: makes money) and intends to stay in it, she's not dramatic, we line up well on the major issues (sex/money/kids/religion/etc) and we tend to compromise well (minus exception above).
I don't think the negatives are correctable (other than backing her off inviting herself to everything to some degree), so I have to decide if I want to deal with them long term or not. I'm leaning towards not. Not thrilled with the prospect of starting the process over, but I'm even less thrilled by setting myself up in a situation where I may become unhappy and should have seen it coming. I'm thinking any one of the three would be forgivable, but all 3 together tip the scales. I think there is a decent chance of regret, but I'm not sure it outweighs the chance of future unhappiness.
Thoughts?
Frenzied Wombat
Potato del Grande
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IMHO if you have to think about it and aren't sure then she's not the right one, end of story.. I can sympathize with the whole "starting over" thing, especially in your mid-30's, but again that's not something that should technically influence your decision.. I'm probably not the best authority when it comes to marriage, but personally I've always viewed it as something I'd only pursue if I was madly in love. You definitely don't sound like someone that is in love.. You sound like someone that's in a convenient and comfortable relationship where significant time as passed, and you feel bound by duty to take it to the next level, but apathy really shouldn't be the emotion you're experiencing about now.
Haast
Lord Nagafen Raider
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You aren't the first person to give that assessment. So that probably says something.
Sigh. It sucks because I do care about her, and she tells me "you're the best thing in my life" or similar often. However, that ends up being a negative due to the clinging aspect. It's like watching best intentions backfire in slow motion.
Frenzied Wombat
Potato del Grande
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I'm the king of letting relationships drag on way past their expiration point for similar reasons. There's the guilt aspect (huge problem with me) if she's nice but I'm just not that into her, and then there's the "back to the drawing board" fear of starting over and the hell that is dating.. I used to really have to hit a total breaking point before I could either gather the balls or anger necessary to dump a girlfriend. The fact that some go absolutely fucking homicidal when you do doesn't help either.. The problem with staying in comfortable (or even bad) relationships way past the point that will go nowhere is you wake up one day and you're 40 with no kids or wife.. I made it after my last relationship of 2 years (that was probably 1.5 years too long) that if I'm not feeling something serious for the girl at the 3 month mark, and/or I'd rather game then bang, then I end the relationship.
Haast
Lord Nagafen Raider
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I excused the problems at the start because I saw a lot of potential. Unfortunately, the friendship part of the relationship hasn't developed the way I hoped, making other flaws more grating. That some close friends and family are lukewarm on her at best and haven't warmed up to her over time isn't good. I wouldn't let them make a decision for me, but it's a big red flag.
Fortunately, I haven't let it drag out forever to the point I would rather do anything besides her. That definitely happened in the relationship with the ex-wife, and that is a toxic situation.
Fortunately, I haven't let it drag out forever to the point I would rather do anything besides her. That definitely happened in the relationship with the ex-wife, and that is a toxic situation.
Oblio
Utah
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I always say this to friends that are either considering marriage or on the verge of divorce..."Marriage is awesome if it is the right person. I could not imagine the type of hell it would be if it were the wrong person." Basically if her social awkwardness/clingyness is an annoyance to you now than you either need to accept it and let it go...or tell her they are your biggest hang ups and you need her to make an effort in those areas. Set a time line of a year or 6 months to see if things change and then decide. If she gets pissed that you are honest about your feelings then you have your answer.
Personally, I like it when my wife takes a chance of hurting my feelings by being brutally honest with me in order to move our relationship forward in a positive manner. I know you should never marry someone thinking they will change x, y or z, that is why I suggested being honest now and seeing if she makes the change prior to marriage. Have you talked to her about these issues? Maybe she has no clue and does not realize they bother you because she is "madly in love."
Haast
Lord Nagafen Raider
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I'm not sure how you call out someone's social awkwardness without being an epic asshole, so that I haven't addressed specifically. Which plays directly into the friendship aspect. I think she views us as great friends, whereas I feel like we have less to talk about than normal friends would, less shared sense of humor, less shared interests, etc. Again, not really sure how you address that in a constructive way.
I've definitely asked her to dial down the clingy aspect in no uncertain terms more than once, with VERY lacking results. Like, she pouted, made minimal effort for a week to do her own thing, then went right back to full court press. And that by itself is likely a game ender.
Frenzied Wombat
Potato del Grande
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The feeling I'm getting here regarding her clinginess and reaction to your request is that her happiness is at least partially dependent on you. That's never a good thing and a big co-dependency red flag..
Haast
Lord Nagafen Raider
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Being blunt, she isn't.
Yeah, co-dependent is the word I should have used in place of clingy. And if anything, I've caught her paring down her activities and time alone with friends when I've practically begged for her to do more things solo.