Marriage and the Power of Divorce

I think the biggest issue is you've said you don't completely enjoy being around her. When you're married/living together you are around each other constantly. If she annoys you every other minute I couldn't imagine that working out for a very long time. While I do think deeper feelings of love can evolve and manifest (eg; you don't have to be in a teenage romanticized relationship "love at first sight" deal) over time I don't think you'll be happy when your spouse is someone who you find just plain annoying to be around.

I like it when we do stuff together, I don't need two 50 inch screens in the bedroom so we can game together all day and night. A little healthy personal space is all I need sometimes.

For instance I like when she would come to the gym with me, but I did not like it if she wanted to lift with me.

I think every healthy relationship acknowledges that both parties need alone time. I think it is unhealthy to be completely dependent upon another person for your own happiness. I can hang out with my wife for a week at a time on vacation and be happy and I can also go days where we really only interact a few hours a day. It isn't uncommon for me to tell her I'm going upstairs to play video games and it isn't uncommon for her to tell me to go upstairs and play video games. And I think every healthy relationship has this dynamic. Being together 24/7 is unsustainable, unrealistic and unhealthy -- at least IMO. But this could just be my personal experience since I cringe and lament guys who's wives call them like 4 times a day at the office just to talk about nothing but they seem perfectly fine with it.

Yeah, I was going to ask Haast why he needed to make a decision after dating a year and if things are going well to just continue dating and see where things go, but it doesn't sound like things are really good so it may be time to seriously consider ending the relationship. But also, one year, you haven't moved past the honeymoon phase yet, she may move past the clingy stage, then again she may not. Like you said I wouldn't let friends and family make the decision, you gotta do what makes you happy and its possible they are leuk warm on her because she takes up free time of yours that you may have been spent with them.

Cad_sl said:

I'd try to differentiate between "I just want my space because I'm a man and I don't need no woman with me" and "I don't like that particular person with me because she annoys me"

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The 2nd one, sort of. I do like having people come along with me to do things in general. However, when someone is coming along to something they don't enjoy just for the sake of proximity and that is a habitual practice, it becomes a negative.

The most illustrative instance: I had a nerdy outing planned with my nerdy friends to go to a nerd-themed (video games and comics) bar and a local brewery. I told her the plan and emphasized repeatedly that she should not feel obligated to come along to a nerd-out. She insisted she REALLY wanted to come along, that this was going to be fun. She was familiar with both venues, so she knew what to expect. We go out, everyone is having a great time.... except her. She sits away from the group, playing solitaire on her phone and being grumpy to people who chat with her. It made things very awkward with my friends. And yet, if asked afterwards, she insists it was a "good time". Meanwhile, it left a very bad impression with friends that are important to me.

This was probably the worst instance, but its reflective of a number of outings she has pushed her way into just for the sake of being there. Proximity isn't the same as having fun together; when it goes as described, it drags the experience down for me. I have brought this up, but it hasn't changed.

Noodlemod_sl said:

As a divorcee yourself, this should be even more understood by you.

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You are correct, this does make me more cautious. And thanks for the nice post, Noodle.

I have been reading all the posts, even if I'm not replying to everything. I appreciate the input from everyone.

mures_sl said:

Yeah, I was going to ask Haast why he needed to make a decision after dating a year and if things are going well to just continue dating and see where things go, but it doesn't sound like things are really good so it may be time to seriously consider ending the relationship.

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We're both mid-30s and would like kids, so we both would prefer to know where the longer term is going. I feel like you have a pretty good handle on how someone is after ~1.5 years when you are both in your 30s.

He did say she's socially awkward. She may not have known her body language was giving off the vibe that she was being distant and uninterested.

Cad_sl said:

Can't disagree, that would be annoying. When you say "don't come next time if you're not going to participate or are going to mope" what does she say?

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Well, she insists it was a grand time and we should do it again. I'm thinking "yeah, as long as you stay home". I told her she looked miserable the entire time and my friends were concerned (really, they were annoyed/pissed off). "Nope, it was lots of fun". This gave me fierce cognitive dissonance.

You underplayed it when you stepped back from clingy. That's clingy behavior. Good luck with the breakup, stay strong.

Cad_sl said:

So is she just needy for attention and doesn't really care that she's not participating in the outing but she's "spending time with you" or does she really not get it that she's not participating?

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Pondering this is what gave me dissonance.

Haast_sl said:

The 2nd one, sort of. I do like having people come along with me to do things in general. However, when someone is coming along to something they don't enjoy just for the sake of proximity and that is a habitual practice, it becomes a negative.

The most illustrative instance: I had a nerdy outing planned with my nerdy friends to go to a nerd-themed bar (video games and comics) bar and a local brewery. I told her the plan and emphasized repeatedly that she should not feel obligated to come along to a nerd-out. She insisted she REALLY wanted to come along, that this was going to be fun. She was familiar with both venues, so she knew what to expect. We go out, everyone is having a great time.... except her. She sits away from the group, playing solitaire on her phone and being grumpy to people who chat with her. It made things very awkward with my friends. And yet, if asked afterwards, she insists it was a "good time". Meanwhile, it left a very bad impression with friends that are important to me.

This was probably the worst instance, but its reflective of a number of outings she has pushed her way into just for the sake of being there. Proximity isn't the same as having fun together; when it goes as described, it drags the experience down for me. I have brought this up, but it hasn't changed.



You are correct, this does make me more cautious. And thanks for the nice post, Noodle.

I have been reading all the posts, even if I'm not replying to everything. I appreciate the input from everyone.

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Wow man, for a second I actually thought you were my friend.

He had this girlfriend who he said was amazing. We all decided to go out to a Haunted House, a haunted house that has a notoriously long wait time (2-3 hours) so we knew we'd be standing around shooting the shit for a long time. It was myself, my wife, my brother and his fiance, my sister and her boyfriend, my wife's two smoking hot friends, my friend (subject of the post) and his girlfriend. We say hello to her and introduce ourselves and she barely musters out a "hello" - no introduction, no 'nice to meet you', just 'hello'.

We buy tickets and we're waiting in the long line. Everyone is having a great time enjoying ourselves, making jokes, just living it up... except her. She's at the edge of our group with her back turned away from us on her phone. She's obviously miserable, from the few glimpses we get of her face you can tell. She didn't say a word or acknowledge anyone the entire time - we even tried to engage her but were shut down.

Afterwards I asked my friend about her and he said "she's shy but said she really had a great time." We thought maybe she was just super shy, so we invited her out a few more times and it was the same thing. One time she even whined like a little kid when we went out to play pool (this time I heard her voice).

When I moved in with my friend in an apartment she stayed over sometimes and never left his room. She would make a running dash to the bathroom when no one was looking.

Ok this post was longer than I wanted it to be, but your situation reminded me of her. THEY'RE STILL TOGETHER.

Cad_sl said:

I'm not sure the answer matters really, neither one of those are good options. Either she's an autistic shithead or a deliberate shithead.

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She's just a clingy girl, they are all like that. My ex was the same way, she'd constantly tell me she wanted to go to bike races with me, yet when we'd go she'd just be sour the whole time because it was cold and rainy outside so once my race was over, I'd have to leave right away.

I think it's due to the fact that if I went alone, she'd know I'd have a great time while she just sat alone at the house and watched TV. Girls just don't have hobbies.

Cad_sl said:

Eh I wouldn't say they are all like that, some are. My wife is happy to let me go off and do whatever. When she does come along to things she doesn't mope, though.

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Does she contribute or is she just there as a prop?