Marriage and the Power of Divorce

lurkingdirk · Apr 5, 2016

Dang, people. Some girls do, in fact, have hobbies. My wife and I spend a huge amount of time together. I don't work all that much, she doesn't either, and we're home together and do things together. It's important to have that enjoyment of each other's company, each other's hobbies, and so forth.

But we also both think it important to have some things that are our own. Hobbies, events, projects, whatever that are not shared. It isn't like we hide things from each other, though. For example, I procured 6 kinds of 3 Floyds beer (If you see a 3 Floyds beer product, buy it and prepare for mouth orgasms). Tonight I have a few guys coming over to sample the beer. My wife isn't invited. It's not that she's not allowed to be around, it's just that she knows I want to spend some time with my male friends, so she'll likely just hang out somewhere else in the house with the kids, or read in our room, or whatever. She's not upset by that, instead she encourages me to do things of this sort to maintain healthy relationships outside of our own relationship. Heck, she bought the beer for the event when she was last in Chicago. If you depend on one person for all your social AND intimate needs, your world is too small. You both need some life outside of each other.

But maybe that's just me.

Noodleface · Apr 5, 2016

lurkingdirk_sl said:
Dang, people. Some girls do, in fact, have hobbies. My wife and I spend a huge amount of time together. I don't work all that much, she doesn't either, and we're home together and do things together. It's important to have that enjoyment of each other's company, each other's hobbies, and so forth.

But we also both think it important to have some things that are our own. Hobbies, events, projects, whatever that are not shared. It isn't like we hide things from each other, though. For example, I procured 6 kinds of 3 Floyds beer (If you see a 3 Floyds beer product, buy it and prepare for mouth orgasms). Tonight I have a few guys coming over to sample the beer. My wife isn't invited. It's not that she's not allowed to be around, it's just that she knows I want to spend some time with my male friends, so she'll likely just hang out somewhere else in the house with the kids, or read in our room, or whatever. She's not upset by that, instead she encourages me to do things of this sort to maintain healthy relationships outside of our own relationship. Heck, she bought the beer for the event when she was last in Chicago. If you depend on one person for all your social AND intimate needs, your world is too small. You both need some life outside of each other.

But maybe that's just me.

Yeah that's about right. I'd say for the wife and I our hobbies/interests are sort of a Venn diagram - a couple overlap but not a huge amount. My wife can be clingy sometimes, but usually if it's something she's not truly interested in she just won't come. I think what really sealed the deal for her going "Ok I don't need to go to everything" was when I went to a death metal concert and she insisted in coming (early in the relationship). We'll just say that after that show she has never wanted to come with me to a concert ever again.

Haast · Apr 5, 2016

Noodlemod_sl said:
Ok this post was longer than I wanted it to be, but your situation reminded me of her. THEY'RE STILL TOGETHER.

Yikes, that sounds worse than my situation. Really makes you wonder what is going on behind the scenes.

Cad_sl said:
I'm not sure the answer matters really, neither one of those are good options. Either she's an autistic shithead or a deliberate shithead.

That's pretty harsh. I don't think of her badly, even if certain things bother me or if things aren't working out. She's genuinely nice and means well, and she's been a lot kinder than the negative things I'm getting off my chest sound.

fifey_sl said:
I think it's due to the fact that if I went alone, she'd know I'd have a great time while she just sat alone at the house and watched TV.

This is the impression that I get. That she fears missing out on a good time and can't reconcile in her head that a good time for me will not necessarily translate to one for her. Which gets annoying over time and doesn't appear correctable.

Haast · Apr 5, 2016

lurkingdirk_sl said:
Tonight I have a few guys coming over to sample the beer. My wife isn't invited. It's not that she's not allowed to be around, it's just that she knows I want to spend some time with my male friends, so she'll likely just hang out somewhere else in the house with the kids, or read in our room, or whatever. She's not upset by that, instead she encourages me to do things of this sort to maintain healthy relationships outside of our own relationship. Heck, she bought the beer for the event when she was last in Chicago. If you depend on one person for all your social AND intimate needs, your world is too small. You both need some life outside of each other.

Yes, this is a better-written version of how I envision a proper relationship.

Deathwing · Apr 5, 2016

Noodlemod_sl said:
Wow man, for a second I actually thought you were my friend.

He had this girlfriend who he said was amazing. We all decided to go out to a Haunted House, a haunted house that has a notoriously long wait time (2-3 hours) so we knew we'd be standing around shooting the shit for a long time. It was myself, my wife, my brother and his fiance, my sister and her boyfriend, my wife's two smoking hot friends, my friend (subject of the post) and his girlfriend. We say hello to her and introduce ourselves and she barely musters out a "hello" - no introduction, no 'nice to meet you', just 'hello'.

We buy tickets and we're waiting in the long line. Everyone is having a great time enjoying ourselves, making jokes, just living it up... except her. She's at the edge of our group with her back turned away from us on her phone. She's obviously miserable, from the few glimpses we get of her face you can tell. She didn't say a word or acknowledge anyone the entire time - we even tried to engage her but were shut down.

Afterwards I asked my friend about her and he said "she's shy but said she really had a great time." We thought maybe she was just super shy, so we invited her out a few more times and it was the same thing. One time she even whined like a little kid when we went out to play pool (this time I heard her voice).

When I moved in with my friend in an apartment she stayed over sometimes and never left his room. She would make a running dash to the bathroom when no one was looking.

Ok this post was longer than I wanted it to be, but your situation reminded me of her. THEY'RE STILL TOGETHER.

To be fair, I kinda relate to this behavior. I'll say I'm not nearly that bad, but my wife would probably disagree. Anyway, the point is that regardless of her actual skill at socializing, it's sometimes hard to make yourself do it well if you're thinking you'd rather be doing something else. But you agreed to do this social thing anyway because of your significant other. Or you're stuck even passably socializing with people(going to the bathroom) because your SO has friends over while you're there too.

Inexcusable behavior for sure, just hard to overcome sometimes. I'm fine at socializing, when I want to. That "when I want to" comes up far less than the social situations, seemingly. For me, though, once someone engages you in a conversation you're interested in, I usually have a good time for the rest of the night.

Larnix · Apr 5, 2016

I have had to have the we can do separate things talk with my wife a few times over the 10 years we have been together.

The biggest was that we moved to the German Alps and she got hurt learning to ski so wasn't up for it. I on the other hand loved snowboarding and there was no way I was giving that up with a lift in my back yard.

Then I went back to school full-time while working and it left little free time for anything so again I had to tell her to get out there on her own or call some friends.

Funny part about that is she complained she never got invited by her friends. Well we were all mostly couple friends and my guy friends all said their girls would say the same thing. It was like they didn't want to be the first to call or something.

This was all very early in our marriage and we both enjoy doing stuff both together and separate now. I love spending the majority of my free time with her though.

lurkingdirk · Apr 5, 2016

Noodlemod_sl said:
Yeah that's about right. I'd say for the wife and I our hobbies/interests are sort of a Venn diagram - a couple overlap but not a huge amount. My wife can be clingy sometimes, but usually if it's something she's not truly interested in she just won't come. I think what really sealed the deal for her going "Ok I don't need to go to everything" was when I went to a death metal concert and she insisted in coming (early in the relationship). We'll just say that after that show she has never wanted to come with me to a concert ever again.

I do have to say that my wife's tendency is to be an introvert, and so it would be easy for her to simply rely on me for all her social interactions. However, she's self-aware enough that she resists that tendency in herself, and she's much happier for it. But it is work for her. I frequently tell her how much I appreciate her social efforts.

Tarrant · Apr 5, 2016

Girl I'm seeing has been pretty cool, we have a remarkable amount in common. However we both also are busy and have our own things going on. We see each other around once a week, maybe twice on less busy weeks but we talk all the time.

Shits weird, I went from not being allowed to have a social life to being able to do whatever I want and seeing someone who was happy to hear about it and glad I was having fun.

Shit blows my mind.

Cad · Apr 5, 2016

fifey_sl said:
Does she contribute or is she just there as a prop?

Depends what it is, when we go go-kart racing she contributes, when we go workout she contributes... when she watches me play sports she's not contributing but she does cheer for me. When she watches me race she doesn't contribute but she cheers/helps.

Cad · Apr 5, 2016

Haast_sl said:
That's pretty harsh. I don't think of her badly, even if certain things bother me or if things aren't working out. She's genuinely nice and means well, and she's been a lot kinder than the negative things I'm getting off my chest sound.

Don't really mean it to be harsh but if someone can just sit there and ignore all your friends and ignore your questions/prompting to do something different they either don't care or are completely oblivious, either of which is a bad sign. I'm just calling it like it is based on what you've said.

DickTrickle · Apr 5, 2016

Some people are truly just extremely shy (so "don't care" and "completely oblivious" aren't the only options). I was involved with someone like that and it was a weird experience. She was often surprised to learn people thought she didn't like them even when she genuinely did like being around them -- she just wasn't able to interact normally or give appropriate social indications.

However, even if that is the case, it doesn't change things. If she can't break out of whatever mental shell she's in enough to interact like a normal human being, then those will always be shitty interactions.

Noodleface · Apr 5, 2016

I used to be extremely shy and quiet and a bunch of people told me that other people thought I hated them. Guess what? I changed the way I am to a much more outgoing person and people like me. Sometimes you just need to tell someone they suck at being social and people don't like it.

I used to be the guy in vent that "didn't have a mic", even though I did. Now I raid lead and don't give two shits if I sound like some downy fuck from Boston.

lurkingdirk · Apr 5, 2016

Noodlemod_sl said:
I used to be extremely shy and quiet and a bunch of people told me that other people thought I hated them. Guess what? I changed the way I am to a much more outgoing person and people like me. Sometimes you just need to tell someone they suck at being social and people don't like it.

I used to be the guy in vent that "didn't have a mic", even though I did. Now I raid lead and don't give two shits if I sound like some downy fuck from Boston.

Well, good for you. That shit's hard to change; takes real effort.

Haast · Apr 5, 2016

Tarrant_sl said:
Girl I'm seeing has been pretty cool, we have a remarkable amount in common. However we both also are busy and have our own things going on. We see each other around once a week, maybe twice on less busy weeks but we talk all the time.

Shits weird, I went from not being allowed to have a social life to being able to do whatever I want and seeing someone who was happy to hear about it and glad I was having fun.

Shit blows my mind.

Sounds like you are rounding the corner from the miserable part to the optimistic part. Good stuff.

Noodleface · Apr 5, 2016

lurkingdirk_sl said:
Well, good for you. That shit's hard to change; takes real effort.

It is hard and I partly thank my wife for that. She kept pushing me to "get out of my shell" - a common phrase she used. Now it seems like she's the one in the shell, so I use it on her all the time. I think motherhood has turned her into a recluse.

lurkingdirk · Apr 5, 2016

Noodlemod_sl said:
It is hard and I partly thank my wife for that. She kept pushing me to "get out of my shell" - a common phrase she used. Now it seems like she's the one in the shell, so I use it on her all the time. I think motherhood has turned her into a recluse.

Happens to quite a few women, actually. Encouragement is the way to go. Along with lots of sex.

Noodleface · Apr 5, 2016

I posted about it in the sex thread (which I am thinking needs a thread title change at this point), but she is actually having a bigger appetite than me.

Fifey · Apr 5, 2016

Cad_sl said:
Depends what it is, when we go go-kart racing she contributes, when we go workout she contributes... when she watches me play sports she's not contributing but she does cheer for me. When she watches me race she doesn't contribute but she cheers/helps.

I think that's where we differ, I'd rather she not just hang out in the crowd and cheer, I'd rather she go do something herself instead of latch onto my hobbies.

Cad · Apr 5, 2016

fifey_sl said:
I think that's where we differ, I'd rather she not just hang out in the crowd and cheer, I'd rather she go do something herself instead of latch onto my hobbies.

To each his own I guess, I've been with my wife for over 20 years now, I'm not going to complain if she comes to cheer for me. When she's bringing me tools and rolling tires and helping hook up trailers, she's helping.

I don't even see it as "latching" onto anything, she's latched onto me permanently in 100 different ways, coming to do something together is the least of it. Viewing it in that way where I'd see her as latched on or leeching off of me would be a complete viewpoint shift. If she were annoying me or being a buzzkill by coming along I'd tell her but if she just wants to come do something with me, I'm really going to poo-poo that? Why?

Haast · Apr 5, 2016

Cad_sl said:
To each his own I guess, I've been with my wife for over 20 years now, I'm not going to complain if she comes to cheer for me. When she's bringing me tools and rolling tires and helping hook up trailers, she's helping.

I don't even see it as "latching" onto anything, she's latched onto me permanently in 100 different ways, coming to do something together is the least of it. Viewing it in that way where I'd see her as latched on or leeching off of me would be a complete viewpoint shift. If she were annoying me or being a buzzkill by coming along I'd tell her but if she just wants to come do something with me, I'm really going to poo-poo that? Why?

The difference is likely in the quality of relationship you have with your wife vs Fifey had with his ex (which sounds similar but worse than my current situation). As you've described, you are having fun with your wife at these events and she is finding ways to get involved. In Fifey's case, she talked about how she wants in and is a non-participating drag at the event and wanted to leave ASAP. That's lousy.

I've run some 5K/10K events and my GF came along sometimes and walked/jogged the 5K. I'm fine with this, though it seems a little pointless paying $25+ to have your leisurely stroll chip timed. But if she came along, looked miserable and rushed me out afterwards I'd be irked. Or if she was foolish enough to say she expected me to slow down for her at a timed event, that would be addressed immediately. Thankfully, those weren't the case.

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Marriage and the Power of Divorce

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