Parent Thread

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a_skeleton_03

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So my 13 year old daughter and I were texting tonight, I am on the east coast and she is on the west. She said she made an awesome smoothie. We chatted, told her I was going to bed. My wife calls me from her work about 30 minutes after that saying she just got off the phone with the paramedics where they responded to a 911 call from my daughter because she had cut her arm with a butcher knife while slicing up bananas. She cut her left arm which is her dominant hand so she was using a knife with her right hand. She claims it was not on purpose but she is currently seeing a psychiatrist for previous claims of wanting to kill herself followed up with some mild "cutting" which was basically scratches.

I don't know what to do. My wife is driving to the ER and going to tell them she thinks it was self inflicted because we just don't know at this point. To be an accident all the stars would have to align. This is after only 3 days ago she slipped in the kitchen and almost broke her arm requiring an ER visit at 10 PM.

She is currently on prozac and her doctor said she doesn't think she is bipolar but I don't think you can be texting your dad joking about the cat not liking your smoothie and then cutting your wrists with a butcher knife 30 minutes later. The problem is what if she IS telling the truth? I just don't know.

Nothing you guys can do but I just needed to type things out and look at them and see what works.
 
A

a_skeleton_03

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Izo_sl said:
Dad almost dies of lymphoma. Gotta be some issue there, bro. Stay strong.
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Yeah I just don't know. I don't even think they fully understood that because it was such an easy treatment for me. I don't think the kid even believed I really had cancer. She had some issues before it also with girls at school. I just don't know.
 
K

Kedwyn

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I believe the hospital will put her up for an evaluation with reported self harm at the closest pedi facility that can do it. They usually keep the family away for that as well if I'm not mistaken. Wife had a kid seeing dead people and they were telling him to kill his sibling with glass from a mirror a week ago (he said he wouldn't do that because he was good) at the er and that was what happened. YMMV. Certainly need to be brought up with a professional

Good luck figuring that all out but seems like she needs some help. Not an easy thing for anyone involved hope it goes well for you and your family. W

Once you start down that road (at the er )there might not be an option to leave AMA without DCF getting involved.
 
Tuco

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joeboo_sl said:
We didn't go too crazy with baby proofing. About all we did was put a lock on the drawer in the kitchen that has all the knives in it, and then remove any decorations that were made of glass from our coffee tables/endtables, and that was really about it. You just have to be diligent about saying "NO" and keeping at it. But yeah, if you want to be able to let your kid go crawl off on their own for 10 minutes and not worry about them you probably need to do more than we did, but kids learn fast what they can and can't do as long as you're consistent.

That being said, we also only have 1 kid, so it's easy to keep up on what he's doing, there aren't other kids running around the house distracting us while the baby goes and eats your dishwashing detergent.
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When your kid is about to slightly harm themselves and you tell them NO, but they go ahead and keep trying to do it, do you let them do it so they learn you aint playing around, or do you stop them?

I see parents running around forcing their kids to avoid hurting themselves in any way, and I feel like the kid will end up running into traffic while looking at their parent thinking it's just a game.
 
D

Draegan_sl

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I let my daughter hurt herself with small things. Bumping her head or falling off of her short bed that sort of thing. Nothing dangerous. I also don't make a big deal about it and don't rush over when she's clearly ok. She stops crying immediately.

However I do do a stern NO when she goes near wiring and looks like she is curious about electrical sockets that sort of thing.
 
K

Kedwyn

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Biggest risk when they start getting mobile is choking and large falls. There are other things but most stuff can be mitigated prior to it becoming an issue. They put everything in their mouth, you'll hear that a million times as your kid gets older but won't really understand that until you have one that is mobile.

As for letting them hurt themselves, that is how they learn. You try to stop the big things from happening. We, like Dragean said, don't fall into the kiss every little boo boo better BS. If its a minor tumble we don't even recognize it with anything but "you're fine, go play" or "No more" if she is little boohoo. Very effective. When the "boo hoo" continue its nap time and we've stuck to that since the start. Works great as nap time or time out to reset the kid.

Regardless you'll know when they take a bad spill and need to be held a bit. There is a brief pause and the cry is entirely different. Don't over coddle but don't leave them hanging when they need Mommy / Daddy for things that are big to them.

Really, whatever you do, its about consistency. Nip the stuff you don't want happening in the bud early because when you try to adjust behavior down the road its much more difficult.

Biggest thing you can do is just be there for your kid. So many kids today are literally raised by someone else and it shows.
 
A

a_skeleton_03

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So the hospital didn't admit her because she wouldn't say it was on purpose. I don't understand what they can do then. She admitted to my wife that it was a mix between accident and then more than one cut to see how it felt but not a suicide attempt so there is that. Seven stitches though so even her just seeing what it felt like could be disastrous next time.

Right now we are tiptoeing around that she isn't in trouble but she also can't do things like that and still retain her autonomous privileges. Such a frustrating and time consuming process to take a little girl and get her through life. I don't wish the experience on anyone. If we survive it and so does she it will make the cancer look lik a common cold!
 
Oblio

Oblio

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Wow, shitty situation.

I have two boys, ages 4 & 5, no girls. I am only able to share the plan of action I think I would take, you have probably already taken some of these actions.

1. I would go out of my way to make sure she knows how much I love her and how much she matters to me. I am sure that kind of conversation with a teenager can go all sorts of wrong but I would do my best to make sure she hears me and is not just nodding her head saying "Okay Dad."

2. A 13 year old being home alone seems totally normal and is probably pretty common, but now having this new information I would not allow her to be home alone. One option is to just lay down the law and tell her that this the new rule, another is to just kind of make it happen without really discussing it. I assume my wife and I would have a pretty good idea of how our daughter would react to her lost freedom and that would dictate how we approach the subject. For the times we are unable to be home we would ask as aunt, uncle or grandparent to hang out at the house? Maybe she has a friend whose parents we are friendly with that we could explain the situation too and see if they would let there daughter hang out when we are gone. If I had no other options I would find a trusted paid sitter. I have zero idea of your financial situation but whether I was rich or broke I do not think you could put a price on my kids health. If money is tight I am sure I could get creative and figure out a way to eat the expense until I have a better handle on the situation.

3. Find a qualified therapist that specializes in teenage girls mental health, the more letters after or before their name the better. I would want someone that has as much knowledge as possible and is up to date with new studies as well as old. I would accept my daughter might not like this therapist and make a deal to give this therapist a chance. I would empower my daughter, if she does not like the therapist after a 3-5 sessions she can go to someone new. In all likely hood the a qualified therapist will have colleagues she can refer me to and will understand my kids comfort level is probably the most important element of therapy. I mean if she won't open up then nothing will be accomplished.

4. I would take a strong look at myself, my relationship with my wife and our communication style that my kids are witness to daily. I, with my wife, would go to the same therapist as my daughter. These sessions would not necessarily be just for progress reports (not sure how the doctor patient privilege works with teenagers) but to get educated on trauma or issues that cause this behavior. The more I understand and can empathize the more I can help her cope and also avoid triggers.

As crazy as it sounds, kids often keep traumatic experiences secret from their parents. The reasons could be shame, guilt, embarrassment, repression, fear of how parents will react, fear of getting someone else in trouble etc.

As an outsider that does not have knowledge your house hold and family dynamic this is the best I offer.
 
A

a_skeleton_03

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Thanks for the suggestions, they are all good things.

1.) Yeah we have always been good about that and doing it even more when we can. My wife is less good about it but she has gotten better immensely in the last year.

2.) She was home with her 13 year old twin. There is a fine line between allowing them some kind of autonomy and total lockdown and we are looking for that. You are very right it's something that has to change.

3.) She has a therapist right now that supposedly was good with all those topics and she likes the therapist and her therapist just told us this same week that overall she feels like she is doing quite well ... I don't really feel like we are getting our money's worth. At this point I worry about changing therapists right before our move and then another change once she moves as well. She claims the therapy is helping and she likes it. We can only take her at her word though and it doesn't quite seem like that is the case, not even sure.

4.) This one is interesting. Statistically the people that cut in any way like this and do these cries for attention are young white girls in stable families with very little problems. That is our family pretty much. We have two big issues that came up, me getting cancer and then getting better and then me moving over to the east coast to prep everything for them all to move over here at the end of the school year. The cancer thing was "easy" and I am not sure they ever quite got it since I was barely sick at all visibly and it only took 6 months. The moving was only 2 weeks ago and not our first time of having a short separation. We are being very careful about trying to find out how she feels about family and everything else and trying to meet her expectations within reason.
 
Adebisi

Adebisi

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Sitting in McDonald's play place right now. The food may be dicks but being able to let your kid tire themselves on the indoor climbers is worth it.
 
Adebisi

Adebisi

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They have it but it sucks. Poutine requires a fry of decent thickness. McDonald fries are more like crisp potato sticks.
 
iannis

iannis

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Have you tried just yelling at her?

I don't understand cutting and never have. "IF YOU WANT TO GO BREAK SOMETHING THAT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY NORMAL IN PUBERTY. BREAKINGYOURSELFIS NOT. STOP THIS SHIT YOU WEIRD LITTLE MASOCHIST."
 
Joeboo

Joeboo

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Kid usually wakes up around 6:30 - 7. Was looking forward to the time change and him sleeping until 7:30-8 for a while. NOPE. He woke up ready to play at 5am today. WTF? I need a nap.
 
Ameraves

Ameraves

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I had my older girls over for the weekend, they are 15 and 16. I ask them how school was, and the 16 year old (who at the moment claims to be bisexual) tells me two of her friends broke up. The names both sound male, so I ask just to make sure and say "oh so they are gay?". She replies with "no, they are pan sexual". Me "What the fuck does that mean?" She tried to explain it that they are attracted to personalities, and not gender. That sort of boggles my mind, and I was sort of at a loss for how to reply.

Seriously, what the fuck is that? I seriously try to consider myself pretty open minded, and have always told my kids I love them no matter what. But this whole new wave of sexuality and non gender specific shit has me totally baffled as to how to handle it.
 
BrutulTM

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You should make her scroll through "The Girls with the Beefiest of Curtains Thread" in screenshots every morning.
 
Arative

Arative

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Ameraves_sl said:
I had my older girls over for the weekend, they are 15 and 16. I ask them how school was, and the 16 year old (who at the moment claims to be bisexual) tells me two of her friends broke up. The names both sound male, so I ask just to make sure and say "oh so they are gay?". She replies with "no, they are pan sexual". Me "What the fuck does that mean?" She tried to explain it that they are attracted to personalities, and not gender. That sort of boggles my mind, and I was sort of at a loss for how to reply.

Seriously, what the fuck is that? I seriously try to consider myself pretty open minded, and have always told my kids I love them no matter what. But this whole new wave of sexuality and non gender specific shit has me totally baffled as to how to handle it.
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Isn't that called being friends with someone?
 
Arative

Arative

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Ameraves_sl said:
I had my older girls over for the weekend, they are 15 and 16. I ask them how school was, and the 16 year old (who at the moment claims to be bisexual) tells me two of her friends broke up. The names both sound male, so I ask just to make sure and say "oh so they are gay?". She replies with "no, they are pan sexual". Me "What the fuck does that mean?" She tried to explain it that they are attracted to personalities, and not gender. That sort of boggles my mind, and I was sort of at a loss for how to reply.

Seriously, what the fuck is that? I seriously try to consider myself pretty open minded, and have always told my kids I love them no matter what. But this whole new wave of sexuality and non gender specific shit has me totally baffled as to how to handle it.
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Isn't that called being friends with someone?
 
Gavinmad

Gavinmad

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Ameraves_sl said:
I had my older girls over for the weekend, they are 15 and 16. I ask them how school was, and the 16 year old (who at the moment claims to be bisexual) tells me two of her friends broke up. The names both sound male, so I ask just to make sure and say "oh so they are gay?". She replies with "no, they are pan sexual". Me "What the fuck does that mean?" She tried to explain it that they are attracted to personalities, and not gender. That sort of boggles my mind, and I was sort of at a loss for how to reply.

Seriously, what the fuck is that? I seriously try to consider myself pretty open minded, and have always told my kids I love them no matter what. But this whole new wave of sexuality and non gender specific shit has me totally baffled as to how to handle it.
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It means your daughters friends are retarded, and it sounds like your daughter is going through a phase...of being retarded. Fortunately phases wear off, but I think her friends are done for life if they're already describing themselves as 'pansexual' at that age.
 
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