WARNING RAMBLING AHEAD*
So - thought I was pretty well through this; the grief stuff, you know?! Turns out it still was here; laying in wait for a vulnerable moment. End of year reflections are Kryptonite (am I not spelling that correctly? can't be arsed to look it up - it is underlined in red but I am lazy tonight.)
I still have his texts on my phone...the lasts months, especially the last 12 days...routine texting between us- grocery store conversation, my eta home from work, how he managed with the nurse aide or hospice nurse, that he wanted donuts and Krunchers because fuck it he was a dead man anyway...and then he sends me a thank you text and that he "loves him some Monkey - his pet name for me - long story - and then I ask if he has peed because fluid overload is our key concern; then randomly I get a "Because Apple" text. This made me smile. He talked to text and his articulation was crap so when he said "be careful" the app interpreted it as "because apple" so from the first time it happened - to the last time he wanted me to be careful - he said because apple....Jan 6 he texts to tell me that the county is mowing - yep, that's odd , it is fucking January in Missouri - really no need to be mowing, but OK, Jan 8 he has a hard time breathing but he loves his hospice nurses and he is orange smelling from the massage therapist - she's a young cutie with nice boobs and ass so that helps too, Jan 9 and 10 are spent together but time apart in texts; he just wants me home...Jan 11 I go to work but he calls me home and for good reason - we know it is nearing the end...I get to spend every waking and sleeping moment with him the last two days; the texts I send are to our closest loved ones, I make sure he is well enough to call his dad one more time...Jan 12, we know it is soon so we order pizza having my sis get it so we can have a final date night with her and our b-i-l; he doesn't get to enjoy it; they arrive, he has crumpled to the floor, leaving me here with all of you.
.
