So, I'm dying...

Also, my opinion and two dollars will get you a cup of shitty coffee but I'd keep fighting till the bitter end. Ultimately its up to you Big Gravy.

Whatever your choice, we support you.

But you should fight that shit to the end! We have faith in you Ser Gravy.

My only concern is your wife is going to need to live with whatever choice for the rest of her life. Just make sure she really thinks about it too. It's a really heavy decision and I can't even imagine having to make it.

chaos_sl said:

Why must everything devolve into trannies around here?

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We're all closet homos? Seems the simplest of explanations.

I mean YOU all are.

Gravy,

I won't even try to understand what you have gone through because only you will know that and what can only do is give you our advice from where we are standing. As everyone has said, the choice is in your hands but my personal opinion is that you should fight to the end.

Checking out on your terms does seem very tempting to you since you can end all the pain and suffering and I can see that.

I don't want to get too philosophical but once you are gone, you are gone; that's it. Done. Nada. Finito. Into the nothingness. You will never get to see them ever again and even if you do, you will not recognise them.

Once you know your time is limited, nothing else matters any more apart from your loved ones. Money? Doesn't matter. Hate? No time for that. Possessions? Can't take it away with you. The only thing that matters are the people that love you and will remember you even if you are not here any more.

Spend the rest of your time with them. Make it the best 6 months or whenever of your whole life. Life is literally short for you now, live it to the max and have no regrets on how you spend your remaining days. Fate has brought you and your wife together in this life, it had made you the son to your parents. Once you close your eyes, if there is indeed another life, chances are very low you will meet them again so treasure them now. Be strong and brave and enjoy the days that you will get to spend with them from now on. Not only will it give you comfort but you will leave everlasting memories for them too.

There is always hope, bro. Fight to the end and don't give up.

We here at RR will support you all the way.

Gravy_sl said:

I can't begin to respond to all these comments. Let's just say I'm pretty choked up and emotional from the support here. Some homo.

Trying to compose myself.


Ok, this moral question just got more difficult for me, but here goes:

I don't know how long I've got. The only thing I know for sure is that it's less than 6 months, or they wouldn't have me contacting hospice. I was supposed to do that today, but just couldn't. And by the way 'Bisi, no blinds for me, I'm staying home and hospice is coming here.

I'm considering checking out early, and I have been considering this since about June 2013 when things really got bad. My wife knows I'm considering it, and she's pretty torn. I've been through SO much, and the pain and anguish are things, up until now, only her and I knew about. Not even our families know how bad it's been, as we've played it pretty close to the chest.

Do I pull the plug early, and on my own terms, or let my heart dictate the day? I have the ways and means, I just don't want to lose out on some potentially emotional and intellectual growth (for all the good it will do me, right?) if I pull the plug too early. Maybe I've answered my own question. Fuck this sucks.

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So before I was a fish store tycoon. I worked in the Oxygen delivery field. Basically I would teach people how to use it/set up concentrators etc for people at home. That being said. I've seen a decent amount of people come out of hospice. I saw few person go through it 2-3 times. I believe the limit you can be on hospice is 6 months. Also know this, that with a poor prognosis of payment, doctors/hospitals will discharge patients to hospice to get them off their books. Esp if you have insurance that isn't paying them well, different insurances pay different rates per day stayed in the hospital etc, per procedure etc.

So obviously no one knows how long is left. But You could have more time than you think. Also you could use all the time you have left to leave some great life quotes etc. You could be imparting words of wisdom on your family etc. It's amazing how much better people listen when things are bad.

Are there any events you can make most memorable coming up? Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up. Perhaps making the possibly last one really memorable by a thoughtful gift or even just big gift.

The saddest part I've witnessed is the grief from the family. Usually the person who passes away comes to terms with it but it takes everyone else much longer. I have seen people who chose when the end came and when it was random. Its even hard to talk about now but hearing a family member say they'd of given anything for even just 1 more morning where they drink coffee and talk to you etc. Often times people will say you need to do whats best for you and at a certain point that is true, if pain is unbearable it may be a better choice. However if you're wanting control and it's not the pain, it can be very satisfying knowing you're supporting your loved ones for as long as you can.

just consider if you end it on your terms it's highly likely your family/friends will feel an immense amount of soul crushing guilt as if they failed you or didn't do enough to support you and that they were somehow responsible for your decision

even if you tell them why and they say they understand it's pretty unavoidable afterwards when the grieving comes into play


as someone familiar with that situation i wouldnt wish it on anyone tbh

Don't whack yourself man, load up on viagra head to Vegas and max out a new CC that is only in your name, and remember to chrome beforehand so you can get into Valhalla!

chaos_sl said:

Yeah go for it, but have a bro facilitate that one.

Why must everything devolve into trannies around here?

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bro trannies were brought up page 1 just saying.

Gravy_sl said:

I can't begin to respond to all these comments. Let's just say I'm pretty choked up and emotional from the support here. Some homo.

Trying to compose myself.


Ok, this moral question just got more difficult for me, but here goes:

I don't know how long I've got. The only thing I know for sure is that it's less than 6 months, or they wouldn't have me contacting hospice. I was supposed to do that today, but just couldn't. And by the way 'Bisi, no blinds for me, I'm staying home and hospice is coming here.

I'm considering checking out early, and I have been considering this since about June 2013 when things really got bad. My wife knows I'm considering it, and she's pretty torn. I've been through SO much, and the pain and anguish are things, up until now, only her and I knew about. Not even our families know how bad it's been, as we've played it pretty close to the chest.

Do I pull the plug early, and on my own terms, or let my heart dictate the day? I have the ways and means, I just don't want to lose out on some potentially emotional and intellectual growth (for all the good it will do me, right?) if I pull the plug too early. Maybe I've answered my own question. Fuck this sucks.

Click to expand...

Only you can decide if you want to check out early. Are there any life insurance policies in play? Are you able to do it 100% solo so your wife and family don't get legal aggro? I personally believe that quality of life is more important than quantity. I know a lot of people and laws believe the opposite.

Gravy_sl said:

I can't begin to respond to all these comments. Let's just say I'm pretty choked up and emotional from the support here. Some homo.

Trying to compose myself.


Ok, this moral question just got more difficult for me, but here goes:

I don't know how long I've got. The only thing I know for sure is that it's less than 6 months, or they wouldn't have me contacting hospice. I was supposed to do that today, but just couldn't. And by the way 'Bisi, no blinds for me, I'm staying home and hospice is coming here.

I'm considering checking out early, and I have been considering this since about June 2013 when things really got bad. My wife knows I'm considering it, and she's pretty torn. I've been through SO much, and the pain and anguish are things, up until now, only her and I knew about. Not even our families know how bad it's been, as we've played it pretty close to the chest.

Do I pull the plug early, and on my own terms, or let my heart dictate the day? I have the ways and means, I just don't want to lose out on some potentially emotional and intellectual growth (for all the good it will do me, right?) if I pull the plug too early. Maybe I've answered my own question. Fuck this sucks.

Click to expand...

Do you live in a right to die state?

That's a decision that only you can make, Gravy.

It is only my place because you've asked. If you can bear it then bear it. But if it is unbearable and you can't find any good from it... you are the arbiter of your own existence. That was given to us.

Damn they didn't have anyway to ablate the bad circuit causing the afib? I forget the name of the type of cardiologist that does that. Hopefuly there is enough recoverable function that you can get your EF back up to the 20s/30s to have some better quality of life but I guess that depends what percent of the heart is truly infarcted versus ischemic/ in shock

Gravy_sl said:

One last thing. I had an old friend drive 5 hours one way in the rain today to tell me how much I had meant to him over the years, even though we've not talked hardly at all for several years. He told me specific instances where I made a significant positive impact in his life, and it was a very fantastic, humbling feeling to hear those words. If someone has made an impact in your life, don't be a pussy, don't be lazy, don't let time slip away: tell them now. You will both benefit.

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^^^ this.

If you can just be posting stuff like this, when you can, when you're able and when you get such a worldly insight.

The value of your words, given your situation and what you face. Are immense.

Best wishes too.

We never interacted on the boards but you're obviously a stand up bro. Stay strong. Life's a bitch.

Gravy,

Is your family only your wife, or do you also have children? And no, I'm not counting your parents, but you could if you wanted.
The reason I ask is because you can absolutely dictate the terms you want to exit on, if that's what you absolutely decide to do. I know that the comedian, Doug Stanhope, did this for his mother when she was dying.

They all got together and had a party, where people were able to celebrate your life together, while you're still alive. Then after all is said and done, you unplug the machine or take the pills. It's a difficult thing to do, but they have very fond memories of the experience, instead of the fateful call one day that so and so passed away after potentially being a burden on the family for however long.

I remember them talking about it on one of his Podcasts a while ago, but I don't remember the exact one. I'll think about it and post it here in case you wanted to listen to it.

EDIT: Ok, here you go. He actually did a bit about it on an album, and it's up on youtube.

I am sad to hear that you might not be with us much longer Gravy, whether by fate or choice. You are part of the unique community here at Rerolled and we are all brothers in arms at one point or another.

Will echo what others are saying. Spend as much time as you can with the people in your life. Not for you, for them. They will carry you into Valhalla and ensure you live on once your mortal coil has moved on, all a splendor, shiny, and chrome..