Marriage and the Power of Divorce

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Deathwing

Deathwing

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Lendarios said:
bro.
I told my wife yesterday the reason I married her was because of her ass, and because i liked having sex with her, she looked at my puzzled and asked me what was wrong with me.

So I told her nothing is wrong with me, sex is the root of marriages.

The argument ended up better than last time, so progress I guess.
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That's kinda what I'm going for. Except, people don't like being told you like them (partly)because of their body.
 
Deathwing

Deathwing

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Noodleface said:
BTW I may joke - but I sort of was looking down the same barrel awhile back. It had been months (I lost count) and in my head I was going "Well, if she isn't going to do it with me... I'm going to find someone that will."

I had to take a step back and realize that wasn't the way. Besides, any time I would think about it my kids would pop in my head and I realized how much of a shitbag I'd be.

We did talk about it. She had serious issues with me not 'taking care of myself' and some other stuff. We both made some trade-offs to make sure we were both on the same page. Once we did it that first time, it's been off the chain since.

Your situation isn't exactly the same though.

I'm going to risk sounding like an idiot here, but have you considered marriage counseling? At this point what do you have to lose? You aren't getting laid, and you sound like you don't really like your wife. But, it does sound like you want it to get better. I would start by telling your wife you're really bothered by everything and you'd like to talk to someone together to work through it. I don't know how best to bring this up to her.
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I'm too lazy to cheat. A running joke with my wife, but mostly truth. Also, if I cheated, it would ruin one of Patrice Oneal's best bits...can't have that. I'll blow up the marriage before cheating, the engineer in me knows it's more work, long term, to cheat than it is to get divorced and find a new girlfriend(haha, fuck getting married again).

I do sometimes try to look at this introspectively. I know I'm not perfect, if lack of sex is bugging me, what am I doing(or not doing) that might bothering her? Like, I don't work out at all, I don't have the motivation for it. Yet she says I have a cute butt. I'm old enough where the skin is sagging and creating a fold where it meets my legs. I'm not fat(160, 6') yet there it is. So when she says "cute butt", I'm thinking haha ok, maybe I should work out.

That was kind of rambly, but just an example when I don't talk to anyone and get inside my own head.

I don't want to go to a marriage counselor, I can't think of someone saying it helped. Just seems like throwing money away. I have told her most of this(not the last day's stuff). I said she was a bummer to be around. She didn't like that.
 
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wormie

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Exercise to feel better about yourself, don't do it for someone else. The gained confidence might make her want to fuck you. And if not, at least you are healthier and look better.
 
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Wantonsoup95

Wantonsoup95

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I just couldn't imagine being in a relationship where you can't communicate problems with each other. Those are festering bombs of resentment.
 
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Foler

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Deathwing said:
I'm too lazy to cheat. A running joke with my wife, but mostly truth. Also, if I cheated, it would ruin one of Patrice Oneal's best bits...can't have that. I'll blow up the marriage before cheating, the engineer in me knows it's more work, long term, to cheat than it is to get divorced and find a new girlfriend(haha, fuck getting married again).

I do sometimes try to look at this introspectively. I know I'm not perfect, if lack of sex is bugging me, what am I doing(or not doing) that might bothering her? Like, I don't work out at all, I don't have the motivation for it. Yet she says I have a cute butt. I'm old enough where the skin is sagging and creating a fold where it meets my legs. I'm not fat(160, 6') yet there it is. So when she says "cute butt", I'm thinking haha ok, maybe I should work out.

That was kind of rambly, but just an example when I don't talk to anyone and get inside my own head.

I don't want to go to a marriage counselor, I can't think of someone saying it helped. Just seems like throwing money away. I have told her most of this(not the last day's stuff). I said she was a bummer to be around. She didn't like that.
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You should really see a marriage counselor and be open minded to it, no I'm not trolling you. If you're not willing to work on it then fuck it. I'm not married but I would never ever marry someone who wouldn't be willing to go to counseling.
 
Big Phoenix

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Deathwing said:
That's kinda what I'm going for. Except, people don't like being told you like them (partly)because of their body.
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The world would be so much damn simpler if men could just admit the only reason we go after women is because of sex.

Have you tried explaining to her how much intimacy is an affirmation of your marriage and her feelings for you?

Also as far as the whole sex is painful thing goes, how does she handle any other daily tasks? I mean normal sex isnt actually all that strenuous. Has she stopped being able to move things around the house? Has she stopped being able to reach for things under the bed? Has her "fibromyalgia" limited her in any other way in life other than sexually? That right there should be all the evidence you need whether shes bullshitting you.

I'm not married but I would never ever marry someone who wouldn't be willing to go to counseling.
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I never understand why people recommend counseling for marriage problems. All it seems like is a really expensive way to get a third party to tell the problem party their blatantly obvious problems. If your partner cant listen to you and what you have to say and act on it whats the point of even being in a relationship?
 
alavaz

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I think counseling is ok for people who suck at communicating. I have no problems communicating though and neither does my wife. I don't think I'd make it with someone who held everything in and needed a 3rd party to help them articulate their feelings.
 
iannis

iannis

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It's a short list of things a counsellor is going to be able to help with, but it is a list.

They will fix exactly zero of them.

It can help sometimes. A different question, or just an old question coming from a different mouth. Assumptions like up and they are not always expressed.
 
lurkingdirk

lurkingdirk

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Big Phoenix said:
I never understand why people recommend counseling for marriage problems. All it seems like is a really expensive way to get a third party to tell the problem party their blatantly obvious problems. If your partner cant listen to you and what you have to say and act on it whats the point of even being in a relationship?
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Wow.

I think you might be amazed at what you can learn about yourself if you and your spouse go to a good, skilled counselor.

Just my $0.02
 
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Deathwing

Deathwing

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Big Phoenix said:
The world would be so much damn simpler if men could just admit the only reason we go after women is because of sex.

Have you tried explaining to her how much intimacy is an affirmation of your marriage and her feelings for you?

Also as far as the whole sex is painful thing goes, how does she handle any other daily tasks? I mean normal sex isnt actually all that strenuous. Has she stopped being able to move things around the house? Has she stopped being able to reach for things under the bed? Has her "fibromyalgia" limited her in any other way in life other than sexually? That right there should be all the evidence you need whether shes bullshitting you.


I never understand why people recommend counseling for marriage problems. All it seems like is a really expensive way to get a third party to tell the problem party their blatantly obvious problems. If your partner cant listen to you and what you have to say and act on it whats the point of even being in a relationship?
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Oh yeah, I've definitely explained that. Some people like being explicitly told "I love you", some people like gifts, I prefer actions.

She does have issues lifting heavy objects. I think it's a little much to correlate "physically capable" to "in the mood to fuck". I can still operate at 90% capacity when I'm sick but I'm likely not going to be in the mood for sex.
 
Tarrant

Tarrant

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Counseling is more about a neutral perspective, not "fixing things". You, the couple still need to do the fixing, a councilor more provides you with the perspective to see things that you can't see, and you're too angry or have your mind made up that your wife is wrong about the things she sees (or the other way around).
 
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Khane

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Yea the counselor is there to basically remove your own self affirming bias on your position. Basically one or both people are going to need to hear they are wrong or being unreasonable from a neutral third party. If the people that are at the counseling session didn't need that they wouldn't be there in the first place. However, I assume most people going to the counselor are expecting to be told they are right and the other person needs to coalesce.
 
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Prodigal

Prodigal

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I’ve found that the best way to get a point across to my wife is to have someone else make it, preferably some Facebook friend of hers or a female family member.

I can say something to her and it just bounces off, but someone in her FB feed could post verbatim what I said 15 minutes later and she’d be sharing it with me and talking about how profound it is.
 
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moonarchia

moonarchia

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iannis said:
I would have used "hot meat" but I work blue.
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Funny you should bring that up, I am checking off one of those bucket list items by going on for new talent night at a local comedy club next week. No idea if my set has to be clean or not.
 
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