Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Khane · Feb 26, 2015

Tenks_sl said:
I can confirm from my wife that although getting eaten out is nice it isn't completely fulfilling. There is a certain level of intimacy of intercourse that cannot be replicated by cunnilingus. It is difficult for us males to understand since all we really care about is nutting and how we arrive at the destination isn't a massive import. It is different for females. The journey often times is as important (if not more) as the destination.

Sex with you sounds terrible man. I love foreplay and sex is way better when it's not just "wam-bam"

Cad · Feb 26, 2015

Khane_sl said:
Sex with you sounds terrible man. I love foreplay and sex is way better when it's not just "wam-bam"

No shit I was thinking the same thing.

ZyyzYzzy · Feb 26, 2015

Khane_sl said:
Sex with you sounds terrible man. I love foreplay and sex is way better when it's not just "wam-bam"

Only one way to find out

Phazael · Feb 26, 2015

Khane_sl said:
So you think men never feel an emotional connection to their sexual partner? Also, women aren't nearly as attached to emotions and "feelings" as you make them out to be in regard to sex. They too can "just fuck". As a single man, I can assure you of that.

As a younger man, I am sure you have been told this and maybe even believed it. And to a degree it is true, but women generally want more out of sex than the act of doing it, moreso than men. Its just that we live in a culture now where it is hip and cool to pretend otherwise.

Tenks · Feb 26, 2015

In Khane's defense there are plenty of girls you can pick up who want to "just fuck" because they're horny. My wife even admitted that we had sex rather rapidly into our relationship simply because she wanted to get laid. But this is the marriage thread not the dating thread. We're under a separate context here.

BrutulTM · Feb 26, 2015

mures_sl said:
Exactly, I was just playing a bit of an angel's advocate since everyone else was telling ameraves to nuke his marriage of 10+ years w/ 3 kids because his wife had a bit of online infidelity with a dude across the country. Yes that is fucked up and yes ameraves deserves better, but her actions seem to indicate she knows she fucked up and she at least isn't ready to give up on the marriage now. Their situation is quite unique, if they were both miserable/arguing all the time, yeah, it might be time to consider seperating, but from what ameraves tells us their marriage is great other than problems stemming from their unique situation that any couple would struggle to deal with and I'm in a different, but kind of similar situation so I can relate to ameraves when he says that.

Also, it's not the same as a lot of people on this thread where you go "Oh well, there are plenty of fish in the sea". Women that are up for dealing with Ameraves' situation are pretty few and far between I'm guessing so if you've got one it's worth trying to hold onto if you're not comfortable with the alternative which may very well be being alone.

Tenks · Feb 26, 2015

Not to derail but I was reading an AMA with a man in a wheelchair on reddit and he said it isn't completely difficult to find a date or even a relationship because there seems to be this caregiver fetish for certain women where they like to take care of him and his needs. They'd like to lord it over people where they act like they're doing this public service by dating a handicapped individual. However he said it feels somewhat disgusting that the woman is first and foremost about him being in a wheelchair and doesn't necessarily see for him as a person. So while it wasn't hard to be with someone it was difficult for him to find someone who saw him as "a guy" instead of "a guy in a wheelchair."

Khane · Feb 26, 2015

Phazael_sl said:
As a younger man, I am sure you have been told this and maybe even believed it. And to a degree it is true, but women generally want more out of sex than the act of doing it, moreso than men. Its just that we live in a culture now where it is hip and cool to pretend otherwise.

And yet study after study has shown that men are more likely to settle in with one sexual partner if given the choice than women are.

That whole "hypergamy" and ovulation shit the RPers spout on about is actually (physiologically speaking) true. They just twist it into some weird, demented version of what they want reality to be so they can explain why they suck with women.

Phazael · Feb 26, 2015

Purely feels data, but older men are lazy and have hobbies. At a certain point, its about settling down with someone who does not cut into your football time.

Famm · Feb 26, 2015

Tenks_sl said:
Not to derail but I was reading an AMA with a man in a wheelchair on reddit and he said it isn't completely difficult to find a date or even a relationship because there seems to be this caregiver fetish for certain women where they like to take care of him and his needs.

Old friend of mine is in a wheelchair but with advanced muscular dystrophy, not paralysis. He sort of echoes that and has known others with MD who have had plenty of completely normal and attractive girlfriends and he chalks it up partly to a nurturing thing. Not sure on the other parts, he might have speculated that humblebrag stuff too, but I don't recall. He lives in California now so I never talk to him in person. He can still get erections though, he's just all weak and deteriorated muscle wise.

Frenzied Wombat · Feb 26, 2015

Phazael_sl said:
Purely feels data, but older men are lazy and have hobbies. At a certain point, its about settling down with someone who does not cut into your football time.

As an almost 42 year old male, I can certify this as Truthful Wisdom. Just replace football with video games for me. Eventually you tire of dating 'N chasing, and you simply seek predictability, stability, and someone that lets you live your own life instead of expecting you to be their constant entertainer/romancer.

Khane · Feb 26, 2015

Frenzied Wombat_sl said:
As an almost 42 year old male, I can certify this as Truthful Wisdom. Just replace football with video games for me. Eventually you tire of dating 'N chasing, and you simply seek predictability, stability, and someone that lets you live your own life instead of expecting you to be their constant entertainer/romancer.

Well, did you ever really genuinely enjoy "chasing tail"? Most guys I know don't enjoy that. I've never really enjoyed "dating" at any age. Casual sex is fun and all but I can honestly tell you I never said "I don't want a girlfriend right now, doesn't matter how cool she is". Have you? Keep in mind I'm not talking about marriage, I'm talking just about steady sex with one partner which is essentially the beginning of every relationship.

Big Phoenix · Feb 26, 2015

Khane_sl said:
So you think men never feel an emotional connection to their sexual partner? Also, women aren't nearly as attached to emotions and "feelings" as you make them out to be in regard to sex. They too can "just fuck". As a single man, I can assure you of that.

We arent talking about romeo and juliet here man. If you honestly think a creep who continuously tries to fuck a married woman even when confronted about it(though im sure his wife had a lot to do with him continuing on...) really loves the married woman hes trying to bang you have a horrible judge of character.

Khane · Feb 26, 2015

Big Phoenix_sl said:
We arent talking about romeo and juliet here man. If you honestly think a creep who continuously tries to fuck a married woman even when confronted about it(though im sure his wife had a lot to do with him continuing on...) really loves the married woman hes trying to bang you have a horrible judge of character.

I wasn't talkig about Ameraves' FuckFace. I was talking about men in general, which was a response to a sweeping generalization about men and women and how they approach sex.

Frenzied Wombat · Feb 26, 2015

Khane_sl said:
Well, did you ever really genuinely enjoy "chasing tail"? Most guys I know don't enjoy that. I've never really enjoyed "dating" at any age. Casual sex is fun and all but I can honestly tell you I never said "I don't want a girlfriend right now, doesn't matter how cool she is". Have you? Keep in mind I'm not talking about marriage, I'm talking just about steady sex with one partner which is essentially the beginning of every relationship.

There was a period between about 32-35 years old where my salary almost tripled and "tail" suddenly started popping out of the woodwork-- during that phase I did enjoy dating. When it was easy to score dates, and the cost of dating became a non-issue, it just became a fun "activity" for me. I certainly didn't have the mindset that I wasn't looking for a girlfriend (I was), but when girls are chasing you and cost isn't an issue, it certainly takes a lot of work/anxiety out of the equation. I'll add that this was a time where I enjoyed going out and socializing a lot more though-- now I'm far more of a homebody and the thought of fielding two dates a week sounds annoying at best.

There is a certain "thrill" at all ages of "getting the girl", and I won't lie-- women have always been a motivating factor in life. As the high school computer nerd that never got any action, I always remember my dad saying "just do well in school, and in 10 years from now you'll need to beat them back", and he was right for the most part.

Ameraves · Feb 26, 2015

Iannis_sl said:
There aren't too many options if an open relationship isn't workable and if she's unwilling to be faithful. She'll just keep cheating on you. So in reality you'll have the worst parts of an open relationship without any of the decent parts.

An awful lot of this depends on some real specific stuff about your situation though that you probably shouldn't talk to strangers on the internet about. You kinda need some actual facetime with a priest/therapist to work through the math of this. I mean someone you know, who knows you, whose judgement you are inclined to take seriously. Is she your wife, is she your nurse? And maybe I'm wrong, I hope I'm wrong, but I have some concerns that no divorce settlement would award primary custody to a handicapped father over an able bodied mother. No matter how much of a cheating slut she is. I mean christ, she could be a meth addict and they'd still give her the primary custody of the kids.

There's only so much that we can help, really. You deserve better. It genuinely sucks that she broke.

Again, even if I was okay with an open relationship, I really don't think she would be. I know it sounds weird with her lying and, while it sounds lame, emotionally cheating on me, but I just don't think she is built for that either. If she was going to actively have a sex life with someone else, I don't think she would want to keep me around also.

And yes I know, I am not reading all of this and going to run out and do what everyone suggests. This was more of a platform for me to vent, see how other people view it, and still make whatever decision I feel is best for me and my family.

As for going back to therapy, I think that is something that is still an option. Not to rehash the whole communication vs. acceptance argument again, but before all else she has to learn to communicate with me on how she is feeling, before shit gets to the point that she thinks seeking out another man is the best option. I think it will be important, whether she and I make it together or not, for her to go get her own counseling. I mean at the point that we actually saw the counselor she had already been talking with this guy and had feelings for him or whatever. At that point I still was not aware of that, and it never came up. She just sat there quietly, said maybe 5 sentences over a 60 minute session, and left it at that. Maybe that wasn't the best place to bring it up, but even the counselor was asking her "what else, what else?" trying to get her to open up more. I dunno, she has to learn to talk about her feelings to some extent.

mures_sl said:
And not to get too personal, but I will say say, ameraves, just because you can get her off like a champ that doesn't mean she doesn't feel like she is still missing something in the bedroom. Women need a good dickering at least every once in awhile.

This I fully understand. I am actually going to be getting surgery in a couple weeks to at least attempt to help this. It won't be the same since I still can't move around too much, but it is something. It very well may not work, and if that is the case oh well at least I tried. Hell, worst case scenario I can at least get a boner to play with now, even if I can't feel it. Here is a video (I will spoiler it since you probably don't want to watch it at work) that shows what I will be getting done. It is really quite fascinating!

BrutulTM_sl said:
Also, it's not the same as a lot of people on this thread where you go "Oh well, there are plenty of fish in the sea". Women that are up for dealing with Ameraves' situation are pretty few and far between I'm guessing so if you've got one it's worth trying to hold onto if you're not comfortable with the alternative which may very well be being alone.

I have thought a lot about what any sort of dating life for me would be like, and I fully accept that it would be pretty much non existant, and I think I am okay with that. I would simply go back to focusing on my family, put more effort into work, and probably have time to pick up some gaming again. I am okay with being alone really.

Cad_sl said:
Ameraves, I know it hurts but people make mistakes. Take some time and think carefully about your decision, don't make it in anger.

And this is really what I am trying to do. I have always been quick tempered, but as I get older I can manage it much better. My reaction a few days ago was because I was beyond pissed, and it probably wasn't the right way to handle it. Above all else I have to do what is right for my kids and my family, not just for me. If I can't live with her and it gets to the point where I am just nasty to her all the time, that isn't something I want my kids to see and I would move on at that point.

Right or wrong, I think I was much more forgiving to her the first time because well, she is in a difficult position. My biggest gripe was that there was no discussion of this unhappiness, just finding out FuckFace was in the picture. That is the part that wounded me more than anything. The second time she got caught lying is when I found it totally unacceptable. Not that the first time was okay either, but I at least sorta get it.

All that being said, I think people give up on marriage too easily. Marriage isn't easy and you have to work through the tough times, or at least give it a very concerted effort. Of course there is a point of no return, and maybe my marriage is already there and I just don't know it yet. I am going to once again push her towards counseling for herself, and then for us once she gets some of her shit sorted out. And if it doesn't work out, and it turns out she is talking to him again, then I can't point to anyone but myself for allowing it to happen again. Who knows though. I am still going through lots of ups and downs with this, and find myself getting angry when I think about it. It is always quite possible I simply walk (hah, roll!) away from this because I can't forgive her for it. I am just going to take some time and attempt to think it through, then make a long term plan.

stupidmonkey · Feb 26, 2015

Noodlemod_sl said:
See man this guy has it right. If I were in Cali I would offer the same/both.

I can't imagine walking briskly up to a piece of shit and saying "hey fuckface" and knocking him out. Such confusion

Depends on where he is in Cali but the offer still stands. I'd at least let fuckface know why it was coming and all. I'd give him that much.

Frenzied Wombat · Feb 26, 2015

Ameraves_sl said:
This I fully understand. I am actually going to be getting surgery in a couple weeks to at least attempt to help this. It won't be the same since I still can't move around too much, but it is something. It very well may not work, and if that is the case oh well at least I tried. Hell, worst case scenario I can at least get a boner to play with now, even if I can't feel it. Here is a video (I will spoiler it since you probably don't want to watch it at work) that shows what I will be getting done. It is really quite fascinating!

Well, if that's not selfless dedication to your wife/relationship, particularly since you can't feel anything, then I don't know what is. I just hope this isn't the equivalent of a chick getting a boob job to "save the marriage", as I surmise that there's greater problems at play in your relationship than a non-functioning dick. I have no clue what's involved in the surgery, but I assume it isn't minor or without risk..

Please be sure to provide a full review of your new Mecha-Penis in the product review section, because I'm certainly curious..

Hoss · Feb 26, 2015

Khane_sl said:
I wasn't talkig about Ameraves' FuckFace. I was talking about men in general, which was a response to a sweeping generalization about men and women and how they approach sex.

Why you being so dumb? Just because a guy would like a steady girlfriend doesn't mean he mixes up emotions with sex the way girls do. We want steady girlfriends so we have someone to cook and clean and we don't have to work so hard for pussy (theoretically). Amer's fuckface is a better representation of a typical man than the sack of emotions with a dick shaped closure you're describing.

Khane · Feb 26, 2015

Hoss_sl said:
Why you being so dumb? Just because a guy would like a steady girlfriend doesn't mean he mixes up emotions with sex the way girls do. We want steady girlfriends so we have someone to cook and clean and we don't have to work so hard for pussy (theoretically). Amer's fuckface is a better representation of a typical man than the sack of emotions with a dick shaped closure you're describing.

Haha, you are so repressed it's comical. Women don't get all mush brained because of sex. They aren't thinking about how many kids they'd like to have just because they put a dick in their mouth. They're thinkin about how good that dick is gonna feel and maybe hoping he gets a little rough.

Women have sex because it feels good, same as men.

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